In this evening’s episode of cooking with the Karma Chef, the lesson is to avoid congratulating yourself for an awesome dal and immediately conspiring to get fresh chilli up your nose

Who’s to doom, when the judge himself is dragged to the bar?

Should the US actually use nukes against Iran in the next few days, there is every possibility that they will use a plane based at Fairford. Absolutely fuck this shit.

Where’s Father Ted when you need him?

There’s a fella hopping round our estate in a white bunny onesie and most of the kids look mortified

But shall this crazed old man be tamely suffered to drag a whole ship’s company down to doom with him?

Oh, okay then

NOT DCL NOT DCL NOT DCL NOT DCL NOT DCL NOT DCL NOT DCL #lufc

Apparently there’s a blow on up north?

Made a cow pea curry. Aye, write your own punchlines.

A vital passage has a wasp's nest in it. The wasps can be annoying, but people endure them to use it. Suddenly, someone bashes the nest with a huge stick. The wasps swarm, stinging and stinging! The passage is now impassable. Do you blame the wasps? Or the fool with the stick?

Help. Looking for anyone able to explain to me using simple words how Djed Spence came to be wearing an England shirt.

God bless Marcelo and all that, but I'm fully expecting Tyler Roberts to come on as a late sub for Uruguay tonight #lufc

You pronounce it Bass Itch if you want, I can see what the shirt says.

I dunno, can’t help thinking that taking a business call with your AirPods in whilst standing having a piss in the bogs at work ought to be more widely considered unacceptable.

So, this brigade: anyone know where to find the membership application form?

Post a non-religious picture you think of as holy

Putting to one side the fact that I despise the scum, the astonishing thing here is they want £2bn to build it but they got the ticket office assistant manager’s nephew to do the images. This is shite, piss poor quality absolute shite. We wouldn’t let something this bad leave the office.

Imagine being a Reform supporting Norwich fan right now. Talk about conflicted.

Having grown up near here and been to school with kids from South Moreton, the finding that they are full of shit does not appear particularly remarkable. www.bbc.co.uk/news/article...

THANK YOU FOR YOUR ATTENTION TO THIS FETA

Today’s exciting Temu offer

On behalf of fans of the rest of the bottom half of the Prem, I’d like to thank Spurs for the wholehearted enthusiasm with which they are chasing relegation.

Cooper’s cocktail, Leeds United and mini eggs. I know what a sophisticated Saturday night looks like, me #lufc

So many options but Divine fucking Comedy National fucking Express is right up there

Just went to get a coffee and youngish woman behind the counter had the Woodentops’ Giant on. Small moments of joy and all that

Local town crier, celeb off Gogglebox, ribbon cutting, free packet of Tunnock’s to the first ten customers. Standard practice, really.

Wordle 1,731 4/6 ⬛⬛⬛⬛⬛ ⬛⬛⬛⬛⬛ ⬛⬛⬛⬛⬛ 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 Bit of a hall of famer on the weird results front.

I can't believe how many photographs there are of Peter Mandelson in a bathrobe. He's like a depressed 80s mum.

The ‘welcome pack’ for our Airbnb included the worst bottle of Pinot Garagio I’ve ever set eyes on. But it seems vaguely rude not to take it with us. Maybe we can use it to clean the drains?

Award for perfectly timed ad campaign of the year:

Honestly the collective national level of disdain for Brits living in Dubai on all my social media platforms today really is bringing the UK together as one in a way that's hard to achieve in the modern era.

Six years ago today (well, 29th tbf) we went to a Labour leadership hustings and decided to vote Starmer as the best of limited choice. Look, I’m sorry, ok? Left not long after.

As an ex-Labour member I find it interesting that there seems to be widespread political acceptance that the Tories have self-immolated and won’t be back for a decade, maybe a generation, maybe never. But Labour are still saying they can turn it round in a couple of years. 1/2

Lovely and heartfelt. What parliament clearly needs is fewer vacuous policy suits and more humans. Even if you don’t agree with her politics you should at least recognise that.

Observation on this family voting thing: I’ve voted since the early 80s, up and down the land, and it’s invariably been the cute hardboard folding thingies that get wheeled out of a cupboard somewhere. Dunno, it seems like elections are quite important. Maybe we ought to spend a bob or two …

Hannah Spencer walking into Westminster, sucking her teeth, tutting, and muttering "tell you what, you've had some cowboys in here."

True, though

If I leave my job because our MD doesn’t know principle from principal, can I go with constructive dismissal for intolerable behaviour?

If the story about the sailors sabotaging the bogs because they’re not being allowed to head home is true, there’s kind of a useful precedent for this sort of thing. Battleship something or other, IIRC gulfnews.com/world/americ...

Just trying to remember that Thatcher quote. Ah, yes: ‘The trouble with capitalism is that eventually you run out of other people’s money’. I’m sure that’s it.

Just read about Nick Cave’s comments on the Adelaide Writer’s Festival and concluded that he seems something of a prick.

Just walked past a woman picking up her dog’s turd and she looks at the dog and says, ‘Ooh, that’s a big one, you must feel better now’ Could we just fucking not, please?

wait, so is the high court saying it supports palestine action? it needs to be careful, it could go to prison for that.

I genuinely don’t understand how you can have this much money and still look like you’ve just been copped out of a Spoons for pissing on the tables.

Poo, Spew, Richer Than You, Cuntface, Dribble, Twat.

Keef Stonger can’t carry on much longer.

Well, at least Starmer saw off the threat of Andy Burnham.