George Michael was just the soundest bloke wasn’t he

The task was failed for me by somebody next to me announcing the result during the first half.

[on the set of Scarface] AL PACINO: say hello to my little friend [opens jacket to reveal a tiny kitten] DIRECTOR: son of a bitch CUT

I am at the football today at the same time as the F1 is on. I am determined to remember to stay offline afterwards and not spoil the F1 result before I get home and watch it. I will not remember to stay offline afterwards and will spoil the F1 result before I get home and watch it.

What the fuck even are the clanging chimes of doom? #totp

At school in our French textbooks there was a character called Monseieur Painchaud. It literally translates to “Mr Hotbread”. But. Oh boy. There were a lot of kids in my school of Indian heritage. Words cannot even begin to describe how funny this name was for them. iykyk

I can honestly say I have never wished for anyone to shit themselves to death live on tv while in the middle of a World Cup draw. Sorry not have, had.

Remember when Sepp Blatter was president of FIFA, with all the staggeringly obvious, blatant corruption? And when he finally left and everyone thought well things can only get better? Then Gianni Infantino replaced him?

I reckon within three years the tubs will only be visible under an electron microscope.

Boom. That last sentence. Right there.

Greedy lying tory cunt in “greedy lying Tory cunt” shocka

Skoda 120 Citroen 2CV Morris Ital Austin Maestro Ford Cortina

As a child I was certain that spontaneous human combustion would be responsible for the deaths of far more of my elderly relatives than actually turned out to be the case

Reform? Taking Russian money? Advancing Russian interests? But they said they’re the patriotic ones. But they said. www.bbc.co.uk/news/live/c8...

It’s now cold enough to keep the weekend’s beer nice and chilled on the back doorstep instead of taking up room in the fridge. However a local animal (or possibly very small child) is clearly not in favour of this and has elected to shit on the beer.

I was watching Primal Scream at a festival once. Between songs Mani noodled a few notes of She Bangs The Drums. The crowd gave a massive cheer. A visibly annoyed Bobby Gillespie said “are you here to see Primal Scream or the fucking Stone Roses?” The crowd, almost as one, shouted “STONE ROSES!”

Fuck. Mani. Just… fucking fuck. RIP.

Don’t often get that invested in a Scotland football game. Fucking get in. Brilliant stuff.

Bill Clinton has in his power right now the ability to create the greatest moment in comedy history, and all he needs to do is stand in front of a microphone and say “I did not have sexual relations with that man”

It’s so telling when conservative types in the US threaten to investigate Epstein’s ties to Democrats or liberals, as if that’ll make people say uh, actually let’s forget the whole thing. They expect liberals to back down to protect their own because that is what they do themselves. 1/

You can keep your art nouveau steampunk tin, it’s own brand tennants super and it’s dreadful

My father worked in the death industry. Famous people he laid his hands upon when they were dead include Marc Bolan, Kenny Everett and Freddie Mercury.

Imagine if the BBC’s response was “we decline to apologise to that man, on the basis that he is a pedophile”.

Out for the football, got to the ground and realised I was feeling quite unwell, all faint & shaky. Had a pint of Harvey’s and a steak pie and funnily enough I now feel a lot better. #BeerAndPiesAreMedicine

In my music collection one language that’s surprisingly overrepresented across many genres is Portuguese. I have no real idea why, I guess it’s just intrinsically pleasing to my ear. Despite sounding a bit like a poor attempt at Spanish by a slurring drunk that can’t do the accent.

After about 15 years of avoiding the cheap Chinese takeaway near me with the crap faded yellow plastic sign and the uninspiring looking menu, I bought a takeaway on the way home and it was THE BEST THING support your local cheap crappy takeaway folks

I have never seen a saveloy for sale in a shop Chippies are the only places that have saveloys Where do the chippies get the saveloys from?

Rice & 3

Away day

Your da likes the Red Bull Gives You Wings adverts.

There’s currently as I write an AWS advert on telly with Jumping Jack Flash as the music track. “and it’s all right now… in fact it’s a gas” Are they taking the fucking piss?

oh the grand old duke of york he had ten thousand men but none were to his sexual taste being over eight-and-ten

After taking my old 4S to the recycling centre yesterday a few people have pointed out how quick, cheap and easy it is to change the battery in one, and now I feel like the man who slew Gelert

There’s a fat orange pedo right now throwing ketchup bottles at the wall and screaming about having Alfred Nobel arrested

Today I had to say goodbye to my iPhone 4S that suddenly developed a swollen battery after spending its ten years of retirement as my trusty upcycled beside clock. Goodnight sweet prince (wipes tear)

Just stopped off for a pint at the local and they’ve got ESB on, fucking result

Did a Wealth write this,?

One thing that really boils my piss is people posting about so-called Mandela Effect when they are clearly, demonstrably, just misremembering something. “It can’t possibly be me that is mistaken, the entire rest of the universe must be wrong”. Fucking get over yourself. Fuck off.

NEWS! Man insisting he is an 'Alpha Male' seems awfully keen to follow the lead of other men on the Internet

Hey wait what the fuck? ⓘ 𝘛𝘩𝘪𝘴 𝘶𝘴𝘦𝘳 𝘪𝘴 𝘴𝘶𝘴𝘱𝘦𝘤𝘵𝘦𝘥 𝘰𝘧 𝘣𝘦𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘱𝘢𝘳𝘵 𝘰𝘧 𝘢𝘯 𝘰𝘳𝘨𝘢𝘯𝘪𝘻𝘢𝘵𝘪𝘰𝘯 𝘤𝘢𝘭𝘭𝘦𝘥 𝘵𝘩𝘦 D𝘦𝘯𝘯𝘪𝘴 𝘛𝘩𝘦 M𝘦𝘯𝘢𝘤𝘦 F𝘢𝘯 C𝘭𝘶𝘣. 𝘗𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘴𝘦 𝘳𝘦𝘱𝘰𝘳𝘵 𝘢𝘯𝘺 𝘴𝘶𝘴𝘱𝘪𝘤𝘪𝘰𝘶𝘴 𝘣𝘦𝘩𝘢𝘷𝘪𝘰𝘳.

Canada not reading the script #rwc

Playing an old Ian Dury record from a simpler and considerably cheaper time

Surprise extra day of summer. Pub it is then.

When I was young my mum told me these were in shops to stop people stealing things. Naturally I assumed they were severed Dalek heads, and their purpose was to terrify thieves into thinking if they can do this to a Dalek just imagine what they could do to you.

I used to live in a flat above some shops near Bruce Forsyth’s house and used to see him all the time and let me tell you in real life he was a grumpy cantankerous old bastard, although with hindsight maybe he just didn’t like people leaning out of the window and shouting “wig” at him

The existence of Noel Edmonds implies the existence of a shoutier, angrier, Liam Edmonds

I’ve seen a few Americans since yesterday saying “shooting political figures is not who we are as a country” Abraham Lincoln James Garfield Huey Long John F Kennedy Malcolm X Martin Luther King Robert Kennedy George Wallace Ronald Reagan Gabby Giffords Melissa Hortman Sadly it very much is.

No good will come of this.

The retsina bottle, complete with mouldy label

I’ve had an unopened bottle of retsina in my shed for many years that previously belonged to my late stepdad and was yesterday presented with an ultimatum that I could either open it or throw it away so I opened it and thought it tasted bizarre however five glasses later it turns out I like retsina