Cockney weekender at the local. Having a sing song rahnd the joanna. Pie & mash was ‘andsome.

When Trump dies, nobody will be holding his hand.

Not everybody can fuck off as much as Laura Kuenssberg can fuck off. Laura Kuenssberg can fuck as far off as it is possible to fuck.

I know it's not the main issue, but what's the FIFA protocol for when a host nation for a world cup attacks or declares war against a participating nation in the run up to the competition? especially when the head of the host nation is in receipt of your inaugural peace prize?

Matt "Good win"? More like Matt Cunt

Hit: remembering you have a whole packet of chocolate digestives in the bread bin. Shit: opening the bread bin to realise your son found the chocolate digestives and in fact you have zero chocolate digestives.

I’m at my local non-league club for the local derby. It’s muddy, it’s pissing down with rain, there are about 200 people here, balls keep getting hoofed over the fence, some people have brought their dogs. It’s brilliant. #properfootball

Went to a record fair earlier, the price of entry included a mystery bag of six 7” singles. Just got home and played them, they’re an interesting mixed bag (literally) of genres including rock n roll, disco, prog, pop and dogshit.

I saw a post on @fesshole.bsky.social and thought oh for fuck’s sake I was going to submit the exact same thing, how has some other fucker stolen my confession? Then I remembered I had actually submitted it a week or two ago so that fucker was me. I’m an idiot.

I am currently grinding my way through season 5 of Stranger Things, and increasingly I’ve been feeling it would’ve been better to have renamed the show The Same Fucking Things.

Lego Jimmy Carr

I hadn’t seen any news today so probably a bit behind with this, but am proud to announce that before he died my grandad gave me his WW2 medals which means I stormed the beaches of Normandy on D Day.

Rats from a sinking ship. From a sinking ship to a stinking shit.

Top five video game duologies of all time that are perfect as they are and should be left alone without a third in case it spoils it Half-Life Portal Dishonored Red Dead Redemption and…? #Games

Just started watching season 5 of stranger things and I’m probably very late to the party but I’d like to confirm that all the 25-30 year old teenagers are jolly convincing

yeah well I just stood next to Siouxsie Sioux beat that

Just went to text “do you want anything from the bar” to my wife while not really looking at my thumb or the screen, thankfully noticed before I hit send that autocorrect had changed it to “do you want anything glutton gut bag”

This risks undermining the dignity and stature of the FIFA peace prize

Maybe losing bookings is something that should be easily foreseeable if you change your venue’s name from “The Beloved National Icon Center” to “The Racist Pedophile and Beloved National Icon Center”

I’ve been to both old and new Wembley for both football and gigs. Old Wembley for football was best. New Wembley for a a gig was worst.

Boxing Day menu: Sikandari Raan Hoisin Salmon Gammon with marmalade glaze Too many roast potatoes Red cabbage with apple, dates & sherry Carrots in maple & star anise Sprouts with chestnuts The European cheese mountain

I posted earlier about my favourite moment of Jaws being a change in Robert Shaw’s expression during the USS Indianapolis monologue. Three more favourite world-class non-verbal acting moments:

My favourite film is Jaws. My favourite scene is the USS Indianapolis monologue. My favourite line is “sometimes the shark he’d go away… sometimes he wouldn’t go away”. The shift of expression half way through that line is my favourite 0.2 seconds in movie history.

Xmas breakfast: leftover kebab and a ferrero rocher

Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It's like when you change a baby's clothes- new baby. New baby that's yours now.

The out of office is on. THE OUT OF OFFICE IS ON. Now where’s the sherry

I’d avoided seeing the trailer for the new animated Animal Farm until just now, and if anything it looks even less faithful to the source material than the version my mate had on VHS in the 1980s

George Michael was just the soundest bloke wasn’t he

The task was failed for me by somebody next to me announcing the result during the first half.

[on the set of Scarface] AL PACINO: say hello to my little friend [opens jacket to reveal a tiny kitten] DIRECTOR: son of a bitch CUT

I am at the football today at the same time as the F1 is on. I am determined to remember to stay offline afterwards and not spoil the F1 result before I get home and watch it. I will not remember to stay offline afterwards and will spoil the F1 result before I get home and watch it.

What the fuck even are the clanging chimes of doom? #totp

At school in our French textbooks there was a character called Monseieur Painchaud. It literally translates to “Mr Hotbread”. But. Oh boy. There were a lot of kids in my school of Indian heritage. Words cannot even begin to describe how funny this name was for them. iykyk

I can honestly say I have never wished for anyone to shit themselves to death live on tv while in the middle of a World Cup draw. Sorry not have, had.

Remember when Sepp Blatter was president of FIFA, with all the staggeringly obvious, blatant corruption? And when he finally left and everyone thought well things can only get better? Then Gianni Infantino replaced him?

I reckon within three years the tubs will only be visible under an electron microscope.

Boom. That last sentence. Right there.

Greedy lying tory cunt in “greedy lying Tory cunt” shocka

Skoda 120 Citroen 2CV Morris Ital Austin Maestro Ford Cortina

As a child I was certain that spontaneous human combustion would be responsible for the deaths of far more of my elderly relatives than actually turned out to be the case

Reform? Taking Russian money? Advancing Russian interests? But they said they’re the patriotic ones. But they said. www.bbc.co.uk/news/live/c8...

It’s now cold enough to keep the weekend’s beer nice and chilled on the back doorstep instead of taking up room in the fridge. However a local animal (or possibly very small child) is clearly not in favour of this and has elected to shit on the beer.

I was watching Primal Scream at a festival once. Between songs Mani noodled a few notes of She Bangs The Drums. The crowd gave a massive cheer. A visibly annoyed Bobby Gillespie said “are you here to see Primal Scream or the fucking Stone Roses?” The crowd, almost as one, shouted “STONE ROSES!”

Fuck. Mani. Just… fucking fuck. RIP.

Don’t often get that invested in a Scotland football game. Fucking get in. Brilliant stuff.

Bill Clinton has in his power right now the ability to create the greatest moment in comedy history, and all he needs to do is stand in front of a microphone and say “I did not have sexual relations with that man”

It’s so telling when conservative types in the US threaten to investigate Epstein’s ties to Democrats or liberals, as if that’ll make people say uh, actually let’s forget the whole thing. They expect liberals to back down to protect their own because that is what they do themselves. 1/

You can keep your art nouveau steampunk tin, it’s own brand tennants super and it’s dreadful

My father worked in the death industry. Famous people he laid his hands upon when they were dead include Marc Bolan, Kenny Everett and Freddie Mercury.