Hey buddy you can’t park that there

Anybody got good skeets today?

God surely did not create us in His image because why would he leave such a structural flaw as my mouth being able to handle spice but my asshole can’t

I hope my wife understands that my search history of shirtless buff men is actually 100% completely related to my job

Being forced at piss-point to accept stoicism and paying my taxes

how it feels going to work the day after a devastating loss for my favorite soccer team

“cmon bro give me 20 more dollars that’s it bro just 20 more dollars please”

KANSAS CITY ROYALS GENERAL MANAGER: did you get the mockups of the new City Connect uniform done? GRAPHIC DESIGNER: sure did boss, real fuckin bisexual just like you asked GM: what

It’s what you think it is

Today is the day I spend all year training for. The peak of having married into a white family. Today is their annual chili cookoff. Today I feast.

In around 30 minutes, I'm going to begin streaming roughly 18-24 straight hours of Skyrim on Twitch. This post is going to serve as an explanation of what I'm doing, what the rules are, and what the purpose is. Link to my Twitch: www.twitch.tv/any_austin

My day doesn’t officially start until someone uses my name and the title card cuts in

Had a steak chimi sandwich for lunch today for anyone who was wondering. Salt & vinegar chips as my side.

Regretting not teaching the boy HM01 when he was a puppy

I get such a thrill from entering my CVS rewards number and watching my total drop by 25-40%. And it doesn’t stop there bc I’ve got a coupon too. Must be close to crack

sometimes I’m like :( but then I remember that I get to watch Lamine Yamal on my team and I go :)

That devastating, humbling moment when the food that you cooked for yourself tastes like shit

Can't stop thinking about this kid celebrating a Barça goal against Levante by throwing the horns down, causing the Spanish announcer to break into English to talk shit about a college football team thousands of miles away. Just a beautiful, spontaneous moment of pure sports haterism

I Can’t Believe Nick Bought a Zoo

Got totally grip mogged by the new VP at work in our intro handshake. Yeah I was climb maxxing at the boulder gym yesterday but that’s just copium and now my cortisol is FUCKED

Mother fuckers win 17 games in a row then decide to go on a losing streak when I’m off of work and can watch uninterrupted

I hope Hunter is having a good day today

Not cool with how betting has been inundating our society but super chill with gambling on the 9 day old Thai food in my fridge

famous last words: “Oh the bucket probably only has like 5 beers, let’s get it”

#OOO #Sponsored

physically can’t stop listening to Yukon

she asked for the big beer but can’t handle the big beer

Cancel me, I don’t give a fuck but I just need to say it I love my wife

Hey everybody, I’m the manager of Missouri and I’d like to announce this weekend is cancelled. See you all on Monday tomorrow!

i'm boycotting the nfl until they let the chiefs back into the playoffs. i mean obviously i'll watch the games and talk about them and everything, but i will not purchase any of the teams

The Golden Goober!!!

its a me

It’s an art, not a science. But I love to be right there at that perfect distance in front of someone to where I don’t feel obligated to hold the door open for them

Checked my twitter and did the following: - blocked a benson Boone fan page that followed me - read trump meme - see post of white Christian man saying interracial marriage is wrong while posting himself with his Latina wife - logged off

I move different after Barcelona wins over Real Madrid. The feeling never gets old. Beer is crisper. The air in my lungs lifts me up. Music sounds better. The highlights stay on repeat. VISÇA BARCA

All this means is I’ve gotten up 10 times. And that 1 win means even more

Getting into minerals this year

‼️ tw for my haters ‼️ ok so I do wanna brag real quick on Jamie & I’s 2025 because I’m proud of us: - I got promoted - We got married - We bought a house - Jamie passed 1/3 tests for a new position - lots of soccer watched

Look at what they’re doing to my girls, massacring them with a middling MLS failure when we should straight up be hiring only the best in the world 🫩🫩

lol what are you doing marking your email as “high importance” today?? Fuck you I aint reading that until 2026

just sneezed if anyone minds blessing me

Putting my life savings into Boy Throb stocks

Not ashamed to talk about being an IG reels enjoyer. I love to see a like on a shitpost from someone I had one class with 8 years ago, didn’t know you were a memer like that

USE THIS AS A “I LOVE JAMIE’S HUSBAND BUTTON ⬇️

Fashion comes with sacrifices. I’ve long since given up bathroom stall anonymity to rock my blue striped vans

I’ve started backing into my parking spot at work, and yeah, I do feel better than everyone about it.

If I was in the crowd of Jerry Springer I would be hooting and hollering so hard

LeBron Jaimies

Thank you Microsoft for updating my OS in the middle of a call I was running. My computer is now faster but my team lost their minds and destroyed all shareholder value while I couldn’t finish out my briefing ://