We all got the one homie who eats McDonald’s

T-minus 2 days until Will takes the first part of the CPA exam

Got told I have “mannerisms” at the morning huddle

Just released a cloud of spores when I stood up

The Republican National Convention hired BATTERY GNOMES to drain my car battery under my very nose

At the car dealership

How it feels to “circle back” in the 105th minute of the 60 minute meeting

Faded off that Men’s One A Day Gummy Multivitamin

Girl I’ve been going on dates with came out as lesbian to me

The moggings will continue until morale improves

High schooler that works at my gym told me happy birthday when I scanned in and asked how old I was I told him 28 and he said damn Unc so I told him to go ropemaxx and he laughed

I will be bringing up Charlie Kirk at family Easter

Our family cat Poppy who is very picky about her food just went to town on a couple of those new NKD flaming hot Cheetos

Going to the gym so that I can hug people harder and pet my cats for longer

PhDs after they pull you out of a meeting for a broken machine and all you do is hit the reset button

Just met someone that I can tell was heavily involved on campus

Doing a “Dune part 3 in real life” where me and all the boy join Boko Haram

It’s not cringe it’s performance art and all hands meetings are my stage

Another day in the Science Mines!!!!

Stopping in at the Strait of Hormuz lmk if you guys need anything

My cat has been watching Meowpill content and keeps calling me a Low Value Owner

About to take a LIBERAL shower with PRONOUN shampoo, THEY/THEM conditioner, and WOKE body wash

Just got a dumbass recruiter phone call where they told me my resume was from 2022 and is outdated It’s from 2022 because I submitted it in 2022‼️ You are calling backlogged resumes from 2022‼️

Remember, you didn’t “lose” an hour over the weekend. You merely traded it in to get back to your real home faster 😁 Happy Effing Monday people!

Mmm bread tastes better than key

Ethan dude are you okay after the 2 olipops? I’ve never seen someone take that much

Millennial coworkers who still frequently pull up 7 minute college humor videos and tell you to wait for the good part after you say “Bugs are like Instagram for cats”

Back to my happy place!

Benchmogged two of my coworkers today

I’m Richardmaxxing right now

Nick Wokejnak

Lowkey miss working in fast food. Some of the funniest people I’ve ever met in my life

Me: “Yeah so it turns out Mr. Boss and Alan are in the Glepstein Files” My 39 year old single coworker who’s on their 19th watch through of the office: “Why would you joke about that?”

4 ibuprofen, 2 Bumblebee Teriyaki Tuna packs. Try my recipe.

Anyone know if we gotta run the mile tomorrow

8:18am time to rage bait my dad about Trump being in the Epstein files

Babies start walking and be like “new meta changing movement tech explained”

When that snow day hits

Fuck ICE

“Dude its almost February” Don’t you mean it’s almost normal? Just a glimpse into how February my mind has become

Just started reading Lord of the Rings ama

Moment of Silence for Kory’s tummy

trying my hand at the #getlonghornsteakhousechallenge

Like if you would pet him, retweet if you would KILL him

Tyler and David sighting at blue duck

Last night was a movie‼️ (Hereditary)

SSM coming after me for $14.77… if you’re broke just say that

Showing this photo at family Christmas unprompted