When I’m president “Continue Watching” will always be the first option on every streaming service

I have no ice cream scoop, but I do have many bent spoons

My wrapped is always a little skewed because I play guitar and I play along with the tracks a lot, but this is pretty much right.

Your outie hasn’t seen daylight in three weeks

2 x 2000= 2,000,000 obvs

ok it is time for me to hibernate for the season i am thankful for all of u keeping me company here on the blue sky during this year be well

maybe i am going insane

Jake Elliott on the Eagles sideline after that pass interference call

I’m howling.

lawyers and doctors all standing round the machine debating what level of cognitive decline makes you legally dead for succession purposes

They’re going to just grab everything they can while they’re running things, like the it’s the Scatino bust out.

this is a rich text but my favorite part is that despite being presumably good at math, her husband is so illiterate that he cannot read a baby's report card

“Your daddy’s girlfriend is a chatbot” would be a really great schoolyard insult

We're going to have a computer do the phrenology

It's the first Friday of the month, which means we've gone 2 months now without a jobs report. For Trump, this is a feature of the shutdown, not a bug, since private surveys show the job market slowing dramatically. But without official data he's able to keep lying about it.

Rep. Yassamin Ansari has set up a table and this sign outside Speaker Johnson’s office.

Listen, he’s a little groggy. All the commotion interrupted his nap.

Vaxed?

I hope that at some point in the sandwich guy trial the defense pointed out that if someone threw a sandwich at you and you called the police about it, the police would be really pissed off at you for wasting their time

It’s true, you can’t swing a stick in Miami without hitting a South African.

The only way that this is true is if there are so many things wrong with him that he isn’t sure which thing the MRI was for

At least in Weekend at Bernie’s, those guys tried to make it look like the dead guy was lucid.

When he's finally gone, there is going to be this flood of books and tell all interviews from Republicans about how hard it was to be a Republican in Washington during this time and I am going to be galatically furious about it.

lol sure, why not

Guys it’s way past my bedtime but the baseball men won’t stop playing

Asking the White House chef if he’ll put my dementia test on the refrigerator so everyone can see it

The president of the United States is declaring his intention to continue murdering people and nobody is going to do anything about it

He’s just perpetually the kid who’s doing a book report and didn’t read the book. The country’s being run by a committee of unelected halfwits with various grudges and scams going on while this guy plays with a scale model of a ballroom that he wants to build.

Grandpa mostly spends his time tending the garden since his mind started to go

Why does everyone keep calling it “The Epstein Ballroom?” Please stop repeating “The Epstein Ballroom” because it is not called “The Epstein Ballroom!” Don’t tell the news that it’s called “The Epstein Ballroom” and please don’t repost this!!!!!

Platner’s gonna become a Republican, where a Nazi tattoo is an asset

I think he wants to be buried under the ballroom like a pharaoh

People really need to wrap their heads around HOW ATTENUATED our election cycles have gotten. They're acting like the Maine primary was a race between Platner and Mills only and it's too late for anyone else to jump in. The deadline to REGISTER FOR IT is in MARCH! Go out and recruit SOMEONE ELSE

lol guys they made the Deep State a real thing

This is the funniest part of the whole thing

Nobody brings out a crowd like Trump does

Holy shit this is gonna bankrupt Soros