needed something a little less crazy on my tv

halfway through a cocktail. i’m about to type so fast

Pour one out for Dan Bongino

seems not great that we let a conspiracy theory podcaster look at all our nation’s secrets for 6 months then quit and go back to podcasting

no urn for me. when i die put my ashes in one of these

there’s only like 2 christmas songs about being horny for santa claus but that’s still a lot!

this is still the funniest 3 minutes of television ever made

my daughter’s gonna be so stoked on christmas morning. she said all she wants this year is an american girl. honestly i didn’t even realize 8 year olds were into tom petty

me: do you think i need to wash my new socks before i wear them? wife: nah, they’re probably fine 8 hours later me: *falls down stairs*

ah yes, boston. notoriously racist against… whites

producer: you make that miniseries about the assassination of james garfield? director: sure did boss, real fuckin sexy just like you asked. producer: what?

he owns 18 golf courses

oh i get it - like rapping about christmas

as an american kid growing up in the heartland, there are only 3 things that give you a thrill: 1) football 2) your car 3) suckin’ on chili dogs

anyone who uses the airport gym should immediately be put on the no-fly list

i had an opinion, so I asked grok if i was right, and it agreed with me. therefore, i must be right

has it really been that long?

mixed this with sprite but it wasn’t great. any other ideas?

oh they got this amendment all screwed up

happy meals don’t fill my tummy anymore 😤

writing a book so stupid that nobody can effectively parody it

he said “women be shopping”

giving tuesday is giving monday

thinking of checking out one of those trendy historical miniseries i keep hearing about

filming a youtube video where i (a musical genius) react to a song i have never heard before (happy birthday)

[a bunch of old men at a chicago concert]: six fourrrrr

to prevent dipolar disorder

me: heading to the store - need anything? wife: dubai chocolate me: i absolutely will

starting a new day after thanksgiving tradition where instead of leftovers i’m sucking on chili dogs

just hit 30% wine and pie by bodyweight but i think i can do better

dad just ruined thanksgiving by announcing to the whole family that he and my mom have been watching young sheldon

sure it’s 40 degrees out, but the water looked so nice

kidz bop demon hunters

metal detecting find of the day - sterling silver parasol handle from the 1800s. a bit of damage but not bad for being buried 100+ years

fibonacci posting a sequence of bad takes and getting golden ratioed

phase 1 complete

kinda feels like convincing the average uninformed american that we need to invade… venezuela is gonna be an uphill battle

uh oh i’d better sit down for this one

Heartwarming: the worst writers you know are fighting

I woke up early *on a saturday* for this??

Breaking - MTG officially means Magic: The Gathering again 🎉

google maps is the new silk road

not my fault. thanksgiving should’ve been earlier

starting to regret getting all my medical advice from a chatbot that deemed elon “penis champion 3000”

ok hear me out

you’re all just jealous you’ve never made anything this creative or catchy

seems like he could’ve signed that epstein bill by now

“the woman who found rfk jr attractive also slept with me” is a weird brag