Everyone please watch this baby condor try to get in its box like a miniature drunk person in a chicken costume.

ACHIEVEMENT UNLOCKED, the mammogram tech looked at my first image and said “you must lift weights a lot, you have a TON of muscle”

Bunk beds

lmao never a dull moment

It’s a really beautiful day and I want to sit in my yard, but a tree crew has been intermittently running a wood chipper for several hours now

I forgot to give the 10yo her antibiotics until like 10:30 last night, had to get her out of bed for it (she wasn’t asleep 🙃) and when we were done she gave me a hug and said “thank you for being so flexible about this” lol

Why is it so hard to find small (4 gallon) trash bags that aren’t scented? It’s the one thing I consistently have to buy at Target or Amazon bc I can’t find them anywhere else and I don’t get it

Why on EARTH did I agree to go on a fourth grade field trip ON A BOAT today

11yo ATE POTATOES, this is not a drill

Working on my list of summer stuff to do with the kids. So far I have 1. Eat ice cream 2. Find some cool rocks 3. Get them to watch a movie

Social media is good because otherwise I am just walking around my house muttering this shit to myself

I am being a good union supporter and boycotting the REI sale but I legitimately need 3 things from there, 2 of which I need in the next ten days, so I know I am gonna order soon anyway and pay more for it 🙃

Grocery carts should have turn signals

One thing about me is I’m an absolute sucker for a tomato or lemon print on a household item

The sunbeam is base

She has pneumonia! Worst birthday present. We have a z pack for her now

Do not cite the deep lore to me, witch. I don't give a shit about it and it does not impact me.

Had a very stressful dream that I went to the gym and tested all my 1RMs but DIDN’T WRITE THEM DOWN and couldn’t remember them after

New enrichment for the herding dogs

The life changing magic of treating yourself to a bagel

Hearing reports that my infant child who was just born is, in fact, 10 years old today 🥲

Great news, his follow-up bloodwork today was all good, so we are doing a course of meds to protect his tummy but are out of the woods for worse effects!

Respect For Friend Drops After Reading Book They Recommended

I always say “crabapple” a la Moira Rose now

Woke up in the middle of the night wondering if the GLP-1 craze will mean more big sizes in thrift stores 👀

This doof earned a visit to the emergency visit today 😅🫠💸 He’s home now and I am feeling REAL dumb about not realizing a taller dog can get stuff off of taller shelves

🐝 🐝 🐝

“First week of retirement” eggs

🕯 🕯 🕯 🕯 🕯 🕯 Gillian Anderson Bond 🕯 🕯 🕯 🕯 🕯 🕯

"Let you leave. Just stay"

While I was out yesterday, J did the following activity with our class. Please enjoy "Kids finish the lyrics"

🐢

lol, just saw a woman wearing a NO ONE WATCHES MEN’S SPORTS t-shirt walking to moda for the fire game

Explained the Y2K problem to the 11yo and she was just like, that’s crazy, they should have written the code differently

People are really living their whole lives in the UPS store

Fantastic show, A+, haven’t been to an arena show in like 15 years but this one was worth every penny

heard a guy say "you have to access it through the portal" and i was momentarily struck by how sad it is that what he said is so boring :( "accessing it via the portal" should be wonderful. we deserve that at least. it should be cool to access it via the portal and instead it sucks shit

When I decided to get a border collie mix I was like, oh hell yeah, genius dog, I’m gonna train him up to be an agility champion! But it’s been 4 weeks and starting to think… he’s a bit of a himbo

the bad news is I hate this thing so much, the good news is that I’ve chewed giant craters in the bottom already so at least I’ll destroy it soon

The people in charge of visual gags on Widow’s Bay are really knocking it out of the park

My perfect and terrible sons

My purest friendship is with my 82-year-old friend Larry who only texts me about the Portland Thorns. He doesn’t live in Portland, he just loves the NWSL

“Old woman, possibly damp” I am HOWLING And “you just missed a visitor, MRSA” (I love Widow’s Bay)

If you are looking for something to do this week I highly recommend a walk around Portland Oregon. Rhodies and dogwoods are blooming and roses are coming on. Everyone’s putting their winter stuff out in free piles. Not too hot and not wet! It’s a good time out here

They should invent an earbud that doesn’t randomly fall out of your ear

Was not emotionally prepared for my grumpy little post to break containment

7 dollar gas. Well, I guess I'll buy an electric car. Oh those are 60 thousand dollars? Well at least electricity is cheap. Oh the government won't build solar panels because it's "Too transgender"? Well at least wages are going up. Oh the idea of jobs is fake now? Well at least everyone is happ