Tim Onion reporting on what really matters

How Her can fix St. Paul’s budget: 1. Pass administrative citations (✅) 2. Annex Falcon Heights 3. Issue citations to the State Fair re: terrible toilet paper 4. Profit 5. Complete Summit reconstruction plan in its current form ✌🏻❤️🧻

Enjoy the Go to the polls today

Don’t forget to Pokémon Go to the polls today

Videos are stupid. I will never go on TikTok or make a Reel or whatever comes next. I won’t fucking do it. TCTPR will always be pics of my hand holding some toilet paper paired with typed words. ✌🏻❤️🧻

People Magazine just announced their 2025 Sexiest Man Alive

4yo: “Ugh! There are so many ads about toilet paper and bears!”

I don’t have all the answers. I’m just a St. Paulinator who loves her city, hates Amy K., needs a new pinned post, will delete all the political stuff after Tuesday, and only rates toilet paper. ✌🏻❤️🧻

If I were running for office I would simply not let Amy K. anywhere near my campaign and if she still found her way in I would absolutely not post the receipts

Ya girl is partially employed now so I’m aiming for 2 new reviews in November. Due to the location of said employer, they will most likely be in Minneapolis.

Everyone in the whole world is at Angry Catfish right now. No word on the TP yet.

I am a one-trick pony

October reviews: 1. Cafe Astoria (St. Paul) 2. The Clay Pit (Minneapolis) 3. Dickey’s Barbecue Pit (Eagan) 4. Claddagh Coffee (St. Paul) 5. ❓❓❓❓ Guess I better figure out #5 ASAP

Catzen Coffee (St. Paul) 🧻 Rating: B+ This is from the time when I was too preoccupied to write reviews right away and then I forgot everything about it by the time I was ready to post.

How did I not know my fave internet thing is on BlueSky and also I need someone to get me a hi res version of the pic from this article to confirm that the toilet paper is as crappy as I think it is (yes I looked up the article and viewed this pic plus several others but they are all very low res)

Menard’s (WSP) 🧻 Rating: D+ I can tell you without a doubt that this location is not putting all the savings from the unredeemed rebates back into their toilet paper. The textured pattern does add some heft, but nothing can save this ultra-narrow, single-ply roll.

Is that @bcmfietser.bsky.social or just three rolls of toilet paper in a Minnesota flag cycling cap? There's no way to know for sure. What I do know for sure is that you too can look this cool. Preorder your 2026 BikeMN merch ASAP—the shop closes in one week! via.primalcustom.com/collections/...

Northern Coffeeworks (Minneapolis) 🧻 Rating: C- I’m assuming they keep the bathrooms dark and freezing to make the toilet paper seem better.

I just got a notification about a post from a brand new account. No mutuals, I wasn’t tagged in anything, I’ve never interacted with the account. I definitely don’t have post activity notifications turned on for it. There was nothing special about the post. Anyone know how/why that would happen?

Claddagh Coffee (St. Paul) 🧻 Rating: A- We all know what kind of toilet paper this is, and that it is the second best TP to find after withdrawing yourself from the depths of the warmest, comfiest couch. If you’re not going to supply Charmin, at least give your patrons the next best thing.

Celebrating my bday at a C- TP location with a cake from a D+ TP location. Do I hate myself and my friends? Stay tuned to find out.

There may or may not be a TP rating sticker in the bathroom at Claddagh.

Review location number 4: Claddagh Coffee.

Dual Citizen (St. Paul) 🧻 Rating: C This TP was quite hefty, a little bit soft, and didn’t shed. Decent absorbency as well—you only need about 6 squares.

I just applied to be in season 2 of Crowd Control. @dropout.tv plz?

Cafe Latte (St. Paul) 🧻 Rating: C- This is from the time when I was too preoccupied to write reviews right away and then I forgot everything about it by the time I was ready to post.

Toilet Breaking News Update: I put myself in harm’s way every time I review a new TP, but this isn’t worth it. Y’all are just going to have to wipe at your own risk at Loring Park.

Costco (Eagan) 🧻 Rating: D+ This is from the time when I was too preoccupied to write reviews right away and then I forgot everything about it by the time I was ready to post.

Alternative captions Cheaper and more efficient than a shop vac™️ A workout with every wipe™️ Poopn’t™️

Dickey’s Barbecue Pit (Eagan) – cont'd However, I am going to hazard a guess that this TP experience is inversely proportional to viscosity.

Dickey’s Barbecue Pit (Eagan) 🧻 Rating: B- This toilet paper might as well be a trash bag because it is HEFTY. It is very difficult to tear, but only because its two plies are so thiccc. It is absolutely crushing it in the absorbency department. The texture, on the other hand, is…fine.

October reviews: 1. Cafe Astoria (St. Paul) 2. The Clay Pit (Minneapolis) 3. Dickey’s Barbecue Pit (Eagan) – coming soon! 4. 🤷🏻‍♀️ 5. 🤔 Support the cause financially and/or by letting me know where you think I should go for my next review!

Currently hoping the paper towels on the tables at Dickey’s are an indicator of the type of toilet paper I’m going to encounter

Tori (St. Paul) 🧻 Rating: C+ This is from the time when I was too preoccupied to write reviews right away and then I forgot everything about it by the time I was ready to post.

This isn’t toilet paper but it’s fucking hilarious so I’m sharing it anyway

Can’t wait to show you all what I made at The Clay Pit today

The Clay Pit (Minneapolis) 🧻 Rating: A- Well, MPLS, you finally have your very own top-tier toilet paper location. It doesn’t tear well at all (maybe Charmin is actually onto something) and it’s the teensiest bit rough, but honestly not much to complain about otherwise.

Big Wood Brewery (WBL) 🧻 Rating: C- All single-ply toilet paper rolls are equal, but some single-ply toilet paper rolls are more equal than others. At least you can’t see all the way through this one.

The Trailhead – Theodore Wirth Park (Minneapolis) 🧻 Rating: D- This TP hurt me physically. Okay fine, maybe just mentally. Very bad either way.

Red Wing Brewery (Red Wing, MN) 🧻 Rating: B+ This is from the time when I was too preoccupied to write reviews right away and then I forgot everything about it by the time I was ready to post.

Pimento Market/Bde Maka Ska (Minneapolis) 🧻 Rating: C+ Not the most comfortable TP, but I used a normal amount of it after a long bike ride on a hot day and it held up.

Home Depot (Inver Grove Heights) 🧻 Rating: C This one was pleasantly surprising because only one ply had that awful texture.

Marcus Oakdale Cinema (Oakdale) 🧻 Rating: C- This is from the time when I was too preoccupied to write reviews right away and then I forgot everything about it by the time I was ready to post.

I’m doing 5 new toilet paper reviews this month. Help make them happen! Patreon & Ko-fi links ⬇️

Donald Trump’s Portland vs. Actual Portland

Okay who signed me up for AARP’s email list? I am not even old and also where did you even get this email address

Wandering Leaf Brewing Company (St. Paul) 🧻 Rating: C- The width of the roll and the opacity of the paper had me thinking this would be a much worse TP situation than it was. My initial reaction led me to take more than I actually needed. No one wants that.

There is no safe space for flushable wipes. Not in your pipes, not in our environment, and definitely not in my DMs. Plz don’t use flushable wipes. ✌🏻❤️🧻

Cuppa More Pages (Inver Grove Heights) 🧻 Rating: C More like I need a cuppa more sheets amirite