Why didn’t anyone tell me about flushes.app ???????

How soon we all forget. the book fair at the state fairgrounds is happening again soon and yet not one single member of the press* has referenced my extensive writings to warn unsuspecting book readers about the dangers of combining the Mariko Aoki Phenomenon and the State Fair’s toilet paper

REI (Bloomington) 🧻 you won’t be able to find the bathrooms, but if you do, do not wipe. These rolls of white sandpaper inexplicably hang next to toilets at REI. It’s absorbent, I’ll give it that. But it’s so rough. Why is it like that? Who hurt it? Why does it need to hurt me?

Lito’s Burritos (Minneapolis) 🧻 they do, in fact, have TP The toilet paper is perforated, tears well, and has no texture. It’s not absorbent and the second ply is useless. You’ll need a lot. I used it after a cold bike ride, but would not trust it after a sweaty one. Wipe elsewhere if possible.

Lito’s Burritos (Minneapolis) 🧻 they do, in fact, have TP The toilet paper is perforated, tears well, and has no texture. It’s not absorbent and the second ply is useless. You’ll need a lot. I used it after a cold bike ride, but would not trust it after a sweaty one. Wipe elsewhere if possible.

Coming this May: Twin Cities Rochester Toilet Paper Reviews

Central High School (unofficial review) I’m sweaty as fuck from biking here for the SD64 Convention and you know what? This stuff actually held up. The handfeel really had me doubting it. Happy to be proven wrong and to call this TP bib-worthy.

620 Club (St. Paul) 🧻: keep pulling. Keeeeep pulling. One more time. Okay now you should be okay. Maybe. Very thin, very smooth, becomes absorbent if you use 4x more than you think you need. It won’t hurt you, unless you don’t take enough.

Bsky is dying, so come meet all your mutuals in real life today! I’m getting there early to scope out the TP situation.

Can someone share the substack link for the woman who gave the You’re Pooping Wrong presentation at St. Paul Nerd Nite?

The handfeel and heft of this toilet paper are way too nice for it to be used in this way. I didn’t even know people TPed houses in real life. I always thought it was just a thing people do on TV? Maybe it’s cause I went to Catholic school? Please do not use high quality TP for violence. ✌🏻❤️🧻

The lies linking me with the disgraceful Kimberly Clark toilet paper fire need to end today. The individuals lying about my me are devoid of ethical standards, humility and respect. I do not object to their ignorance, but rather I reject their mean-spirited attempts to defame my reputation.

No thank you please 😰😰😰

St. Paul Nerd Nite. Wed. 4/8 at @blackhartstp.com Presentations start at 7. If you missed Much Ado About Toilet Paper at MPLS Nerd Nite in January, here’s your chance to see a very similar but slightly updated version! I hope I’ll see you there! ✌🏻❤️🧻

Toilet paper won’t matter anymore if Trump starts a nuclear war. Call your reps asap and demand articles of impeachment. Do it for the toilet paper reviews. Or for, you know, humanity.

I cannot stress this enough: WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK. I'm just over here casually updating my slides before STP Nerd Nite and I come across this. Look at the date.

I need to not be the only one biking around in a laser loon jersey and socks this summer while I’m out trying to find bib-worthy toilet papers

Lent is over and so is Lenten Fish Fry Season. Fortunately, I follow the much better and differently-culty Secular Fish Fry Season, which includes Good Friday. Here's a roundup of reviews from the past 6 weeks to help you decide where to go tonight. Or just go to Obb's.

Toilet paper enthusiasts of Hennepin County, do with this what you will.

Lynnhurst Community Center (Minneapolis) 🧻 Surprisingly mid (complimentary) Basically superlite toilet paper. So transparent and not hefty at all but so strong. I don’t know if I’d trust it on a sweaty day, but it worked today.

Imagine blocking an account that’s only here to let you know whether or not you should wipe in any given bathroom

The TP at the bathroom stop on this ride (Pimento Market/Bde Maka Ska) is slightly above average and also bib-worthy. Hope to see you there! (on the ride, not in the bathroom. don’t be weird.) ✌🏻❤️🧻

bidets

the correct amount of plies is one

And they did not hold the TP review against me or my bike!

I don’t care what your current plans are for April 8th. Cancel them. You’re coming to Nerd Nite now.

We interrupt your regularly scheduled toilet paper reviews to bring you this very important pupdate

Our Lady of Guadalupe (St. Paul) 🧻 Worth converting for The TP has me seriously reconsidering my departure from the Catholic Church. It wasn’t just good for commercial toilet paper. It was legit better than some household TPs. It’s very hefty, so soft, and exactly as absorbent as TP should be.

I am a lady but yes

Reminder that here at TCTPR I only shame toilet paper.

ERIK’S (St. Paul – Highland Park) 🧻 Not worth missing the bus This was a bit softer than the typical texture-on-one-side-smooth-on-the-other toilet paper. It doesn’t like to tear though and the plies are clearly in a fight. Absorbency was decent and you won’t need to take any extra.

Lotioned toilet paper: disgusting, what the actual fuck, why, who hurt you???? Lotioned facial tissues: GIVE THEM TO ME NOW I don’t review facial tissues but they all feel like sandpaper after you’ve been blowing your nose for 6 straight hours—except Puffs Plus with Lotion. Which I don’t have.

Didn’t check the bus schedule before deciding to do a TP review and now I have 16 minutes to kill I HOPE YOU’RE ALL VERY HAPPY WITH YOURSELVES

Being on the @triviamafia.com podcast was literally a dream come true

Do I let the women in the bathroom line ahead of me know who I am and offer to go in first so I can let them know the deal or do I be normal?

i just don’t think it’s a coincidence that my favorite band’s new album cover art is the same shape and color as the side view of a slightly squished roll of toilet paper

TP Reviewer Seeking Bsky Label Creator

I don’t think I ever properly credited Bill for giving me my alternate title

Welcome to my 50 (and counting) new followers, thank you to my existing followers who helped me achieve this great honor, and hello to everyone else too! Might do an actual FAQ now. Until then, please refer to my pinned skeet if you have any questions. New fish fry/TP review coming tomorrow! ✌🏻❤️🧻

I have thought about your crop art every time I've used the bathroom at Venn 😂

I have more followers here than I’ve ever had on any social media account ever in my life (and my Facebook will be old enough to drink this year), but I’m still in triple digits. I only need 37 more followers to join the uno coma club. So go on, smash that follow button. ✌🏻❤️🧻

Venn Brewing Co (Minneapolis) 🧻: Very safe to wipe I haven’t encountered proper toilet paper in public in a while and this was an extremely welcome change. So soft. So wide. Proper absorbency. I do have mildly traumatic flashbacks to making my crop art every time I see this pattern though.

If you’re ever having a bad day, just remember that at least you’re not Jacob Frey and/or Jacob Frey’s toilet paper. I’m really not sure which one would be worse. He sure does spew a lot of shit from his mouth though so maybe his toilet paper isn’t having too bad of a time on the other end.

If you’re ever having a bad day, just remember that at least you’re not Jacob Frey and/or Jacob Frey’s toilet paper. I’m really not sure which one would be worse. He sure does spew a lot of shit from his mouth though so maybe his toilet paper isn’t having too bad of a time on the other end.

If you’re a fan of me you’re a fan of Lawyer Dan and I suggest you let that marinate

Even the bad TP seems a lot less bad when it’s paired with a fish fry and $3 Hamm’s

Currently

St. Albert the Great Fish Fry + TP (Minneapolis) 🧻: wipe with a small amount of caution 🐟: the coleslaw could’ve used a bit more pepper, but overall the food was excellent. Get both kinds of potato, and don’t forget about the top-notch desserts. cc @stalbertmpls.bsky.social

I just wanted to go to the bathroom. I wasn’t even going to review the toilet paper.

Someday Dan will unite us all instead of keeping us apart lest we become to powerful