Committing suicide like this

call me a circular cardboard slip placed under drinks the way I've been coasting

Call me spoon the way I’m makeing a stir

i'll just use this account for journalling. why not

pronouncing "pho" at the phonetic midpoint between the correct-but-pretentious way (fuh) and the Way Of The Philistine White (foe), so as to avoid any and all complications. the waiter (19, born in Hamburg to the grandchildren of national socialists) shrugs. I kill myself

someone DMed me years ago to let me know they got this doodle of mine tattooed on their body indefinitely

Peeping Tom more like Creeping Tom am I right {everyone cheers } it might be time to give those guys the "uyghur treatment" {inscrutable subset of people cheer} oh hey mike thanks for coming out {Mike waves}

It's time to write my great novel

the ant from Bugs life got a standing ovation at cannes for his new film "The make of the foundry"

Leave no stone unturned. There could be an unturned stone under there

Love drinking water in bed without sitting up, where the liquid sort of sits at the bottom of your oesophagus and you almost throw up or die. It’s just one of those things I can’t imagine Obama doing

{hearing a Van Halen solo and imagining a big guitar, also forgetting the word for synesthesia } Oh my God.. I think I have bibimbap

{texting ice cream friend} 2 scoops vanilla. waffle cone, chocolate around the rim. Sensational {texting other friend } Just told him I got ice cream lol

accidentally posting a picture of my flaccid penis on Zillow was terrifying at first, but the idea of my thing being valued at $700,000 healed something in me, something old and forgotten. I'm not too proud to say I cried in that library. Yup, daddy's gonna leave this one up 🍷

my reaction to anything

Big fan of art garfunkels bald son who covers his dad's songs in German

we're 13 months away from a bunch of people calling themselves "woke MAGA". these fringe social currents just boil down to word combinatorics

What the hell man.. That was going to be my Easter message

if you really "need your dick sucked" you'd let a cow do it. or a bird

{geting into Mensa for saying this} boobs with the fur

"I shit myself" should mean that you shit out a tiny version of you. Not just doing something normal on the train

Stuffing a seagull into my air fryer

my son: father, what does "La Bamba " mean {grabbing him by the neck , screaming} Where did you hear that ,

i live in a giant jean pocket and eat 1 new yoghurt a day. this is Trump's Suriname

EGOT guy winning a Fields Medal and falling to his knees crying about what everyone's gonna call him

RFK Jr : We have, to , we have to ban Cream Joe Rogan {listening so intently he got a brain bleed} : Hmmm Clome. Ang why id . {chimp sound} Can you stob eating that burito RFK: It's a , slow loris

Flo Rida should have a wife called I Da Ho. And a son called Goûrmet

michael madsen is great in Anora

{after enjoying a nice day together} Did you cum

"mystery machine"? Girl that's a van 😂

there is mayhaps nothing so amusing as a spoonerism.. lest a deftly loosed portmanteau should tickle mine ear, {my governess exits the room and I pull out my phone. i play a video of a shirtless kazakh man is pouring beer into a horse's mouth and getting kicked in the head } Lol

hey, sorry I missed your email. I've been raising a 500lb son known only to me as "El Blanco"

back from the coroner ☹️ Not one member of the boy band I was managing survived the plane crash ... Bad day to be a dry white wine

Sydney Sweeney: (sitting next to me at bus stop) Fuckkkk do u think u could keep me company for a bit? I missed my bus :/ Me: (inventing a word to impress her) that's Haunchious

kanye: Thing is, I’m Wallace, I’m running shit .. But I gotta be Gromit too Zane lowe: yeah Kanye: i’m That pioneer. fashion, music, all of it. I’m building this shit in my basement Zane: right. like Wallace kanye: { too loud} But they don’t know I’m Gromit though

aw yeah man we got so wasted last night man. you should have seen it dude , so wasted. Trent had sex with a banana ice cream ^ new character im working on: frat guy whose friend had sex with a banana ice cream

{ showing up 45m late to neice's christening w/ a 2% blood alcohol level} My anaconda don't!!!!!!!!! My Acaconda Don't!!!!!!

El grande Bang me crea... soy

in my 20s I want ass to mouth, in my 80s I want mouth to mouth 🔥 for a brief period in between these i want farm to table