What's poppin'? My name is Adam. I grew up in a suburb of Philadelphia and went to a yeshiva. I now live in central Missouri. I drive the biggest Dodge Ram you've ever seen, go to a megachurch, believe in demons and am your dentist.

Part of the fun as a person who grew up in Bumfuck, Iowa was seeing places that mattered get blown up.

Blinkers have made me too fucking civilized.

Trying to rebrand death as “weird nap”.

Happy Father’s Day. Especially to the ones who pull the car over on a narrow two lane and roll down the window to point out that felling your own trees to make your own load-bearing girts is why the Amish have “got the juice” in the barn raising game.

Happy Father’s Day. This is my favorite kind of dad post.

You could probably make a great living as a cattleman with a herd of 3-4 Scottish Highlands if you just charged a buck a pet (kids pet free)instead of slaughtering them for beef.

Successful colonoscopy yesterday. Ok. Let’s see what this baby’s got.

Successful colonoscopy yesterday. Ok. Let’s see what this baby’s got.

Everyone shut up I finally got a video of Jyn doing her cartoon snoring thing

I know the smell of funnel cake puke when I see it.

The Spurs are going to start a war with Iran to distract from that game.

Wish Jeffrey Epstein was alive to see that.

I’d only go on that couples therapy show to talk about bench press technique.

you gotta see how Michael Douglas eats a bagel in Fatal Attraction

Hi. Me and the other Hoka Dads were wondering if you could mention us in your next encyclical. Thanks.

Blue Origin, more like Orange Conclusion whatever

Gonna ignore my kids all summer.

haven't done this in awhile so: PLEASE BUY MY BOOKS SO PUBLISHING LETS ME WRITE MORE www.harpercollins.com/collections/...

Uhhhh…it’s hard being a thing with feathers (hope). I’m always lowkey perched in the soul singing the tune without words and never stopping at all like a chungus.

Dads who ride e-bikes to their kids’ soccer games get the least attention in their swinger group.

Fake Eye open.substack.com/pub/nfsiela/...

Ted Turner was 65 for 40 years.

You gotta have Sarah Paulson money to eat at a bistro.

I eat a box of Toasted Cheez-Its everyday in the hopes that I get revenge on my children by making them wipe my blood and feces and urine off the wall because I'm enraged by a new routine.

I need a European to call me, an American, a fat fucking hog.

1992 was a good year for grabbing your crotch. Maybe the best.

Come on, man. We all know you can shoot lightning from your fingers. Fuck calling Congress.

Used to be a lot more entire families who could do a standing backflip.

Werner Herzog ass tweet

Sources telling me the Romans have "completely decimated" Jesus of Nazareth.

Unreal. Entered the weird zone with horn. Sicko territory. Hawks by a field goal.

Chuck Norris dying while we're at war with Iran (tugs at shirt collar).........not great.

In the 80's you could hotwire anything, except for my dad's desire to not abandon his family.

Every town worth a shit has a sandwich shop with a sandwich on its menu called the Pig Pen and I’ll be goddamned if I don’t order it every goddamn time.

New thoughts. open.substack.com/pub/nfsiela/...

30 Iranian schoolgirls blown apart by a button pusher in Tel Aviv while roast beef gets carved under a heat lamp. Drapes turning the banquet room into a secured SCIF. Village People barely audible overhead while destruction and death gets served with au jus. Golden Corral imperialism.

Supreme Leader neutralized. Operation Chin Beard a success.

“Congress’s diminished role” is such a bullshit way to say that your liberal heroes absolutely wanted us to wreck another Middle East country.

Sometimes I leave a little peanut butter on a knife just to see what my dishwasher can do.

Think I just got invited to join the central Missouri Illuminati.