I am home with a sick kid so I made a delivery order — I forgot that they text you while shopping. My shopper is being an absolute delight finding substitutions. “Girl, wait, they have this instead! I got you!!” A true hero.

Note to self: do not read the comments on any Facebook post about Audi Crooks. Why are men. (It’s always men. Maybe “not all men,” but always men.)

SHE'S. NOT. DONE. 😤 Captain Alyssa Naeher is running it back for one more year with the Chicago Stars.

GOOD NAEHER NEWS DAY 🎉

Don’t forget Clawdia 🦞 🧤 ⚽️

We are at the laaaaasssssst tournament of this soccer season. In past years, my kids have usually attended the same ones, so we only traveled 2-3 times per season. This year, for random reasons, their schedules haven’t aligned at all, making for 5 away tournaments. I’m so tired, but also 💸

May you all move through your lives as completely unbothered as my daughter, a defender, when the ref calls a foul on her in the box and gives the other team a PK, and we all know it was a ridiculously soft call. “She fell over on her own.” Completely blasé. (Her team still won, so 🤷🏼‍♀️)

“You’ll be visited by three spirits” The three spirits:

Hands Reaching Up From Hell, Wat Rong Khun Temple, by Chalermchai Kositpipat, 1997

Have you heard? Jordyn Bugg is up for US Soccer Young Female Player of the Year! 🙌 Get your votes in through Friday, Dec. 12 through the link below. Vote ➡️ rgnfc.com/448gywL

Why yes, I am just going to sit here reposting everyone making fun of the bullshit fifa “peace” “prize”

If you can’t get a Nobel Peace Prize a store-bought FIFA one will do

It’s nice that they based this on the well-known thing in soccer where everybody puts their hands on the ball at the same time.

wtf is a FIFA peace prize? that's like being an NFL laureate in physics

These tiny babies are ten today, apparently.

Context: bsky.app/profile/hype...

Today, the day I first read the phrase “smart toilet camera”: zero stars

One champion & one runner-up! They were the final two going back and forth for several rounds. E missed a word, then L missed the champion word, so they went BACK for more rounds. In the end, E, who had missed first, wound up as champion. L is heartbroken. Will take a minute before he feels proud 🥺

Don’t be jealous but I am on my way to spectate an elementary school spelling bee. What I learned last year is that watching my child stand up to spell has the same effect on my heart rate as watching them step up for a penalty kick. Both twins are spelling this year, so 😬⚡️⚡️

We are at the 3v3 national championship this weekend. Let me tell you, a 20-minute 3v3 game is damn fun to watch. Girls are 2-0-0 on the day but the next game is going to be a difficult one. Some of these kids out here are just doing like six scissors just for fun.

This is what I was referring to 👇

How did Naomi Girma manage to do that without fouling?! Jeeze Louise.

“Black Friday,” Stephen miller yells, getting redder and redder, “will be replaced with White Friday.”

The Bruninha stepover ✅ The Rose Lavelle rocket 🚀 The Gotham celly 🔥 #NWSLChampionship | Google Pixel

GOTHAM FC ARE YOUR 2025 NWSL CHAMPS 🏆 #NWSLChampionship | Google Pixel

Offside mothafuckin flag 😒😒😒

Update from my reconfigured WiFi network: MY THERMOSTAT AND MY PRINTER. omfg

One amazing piece of technology that does not rely on the internet in my house: my heated throw. I am roasting my feet under it as we speak. Also: my programmable coffee pot.

One internet company was installing lines in our neighborhood today. They cut the other internet company’s line while digging. Internet out all day. Husband tried to “reset” the router but the button he pushed …restored factory settings. We had to find the stupid secret key to log in —

What perfect album came out the year you turned 16?

gotham: 1 orlando:

GOTHAM FC ARE GOING TO THE CHAMPIONSHIP 🏆 Presented by Google Pixel

Don’t get me wrong; I love Marta. (But I am Orlando hater-adjacent 😅)

“Oh, Marta’s going to go off in this semifinal!” — person who forgot about Jaedyn and AKB

Daughter (age 9) watching the replay of THAT Marta goal from last year: “Wow, they must be embarrassed. She put five people on their butts.”

I am absolutely loving watching Alyssa Thompson play for Chelsea! The WSL wasn’t ready for her!

Have to laugh when I see youth soccer tournament seeding sometimes. Host club places their gold-level team in a group with two silver teams, and puts the other three gold teams in their own group. Hosts get to play easier competition, win their group, and only face another gold team in the final 🙄

Happy 55th Annual ‘Oregon Blew Up a Whale’ Day, to all who celebrate

Today’s connections purple was stupid. I got it. But it was stupid. Connections Puzzle #885 🟦🟦🟦🟦 🟩🟩🟩🟩 🟪🟪🟪🟪 🟨🟨🟨🟨

And Girma started! And now LJ just subbed in! What a day.

Sam Kerr being back on the field, starting in champions league, and scoring — all bringing me great joy today!

Live your life in a way that you don't ever end up on Marta's shitlist

Embrace this chaos. It’s a beautiful thing!

I seriously could not be more hyped about an NWSL team coming to Atlanta! LFGGGGGGG

WHERE THE PLAYERS PLAY

Sad to announce the kids’ league game ended in defeat (only loss of the season). On a fun note, though, we went for pizza and the tv was playing the San Diego v Portland game!

Regret to tell you that the U12 game is currently tied at the half. The same defender who always fouls just outside the box did it again and gave up a free kick, which is why it’s tied. Grumble grumble. My own kid took the first 15 minutes to look mostly awake.

I tell you what: I am just really happy for Jaedyn Shaw these days.

I am not watching the NWSL quarterfinals today because…I am going to be watching my kid play a very exciting u12 league game (and we drove 2 hours to get here). I’ll just be over here discreetly checking the score. Shhh.

I highly recommend getting your best friends together to bake several different kinds of pies and then eating an entire meal made of pies.