Give your tired mind the rest of the summer off. It's all reruns in there now anyway.

Joy unto you on this day of days, if your beating heart celebrates this sort of thing.

And lo! I hear the cry of my people.

I'm glad I can be here to impart helpful homemaking tips to you people.

Cut the heel ends off a hot morning and stack them individually in brown paper. Don't store your summer days in plastic. They'll mold.

Lovely night of food, friends, and music at City Winery NYC. Spirit of @duchessgoldblatt.bsky.social was definitely present.

During a heatwave, I like to install a powerful fan in each room. I find their unending compliments and praise really take the edge off.

Two days left to submit to the first issue of our new literary magazine Six Stories a Semester!! New England fiction writers, send us your best short stories under 5000 words!

Pinch back your Sunday between finger and thumb as soon as it starts to fade. It will come back stronger and more bountiful.

The world is too much with me. Distract it with something shiny while I duck out the back.

Is this the cutest thing you've ever seen?

Big congratulations to the great, greater, greatest @elizmccrack.bsky.social as she receives the 2026 PEN/Bernard and Ann Malamud Award for Excellence in the Short Story!

I'm having a harder time than usual staying ahead of the curve of crazy that's afoot.

I still need your stories, people of earth. Don't quit now.

Even some of our most reputable bookshops have started carrying nonfiction. Right out in the open where children and the morally enfeebled can see it!

If your work has any loose ends, tie them together to make a rope. Exit windowwards. Rappel down the side of the castle. Disappear into the mist.

Working on my magnum opus: the enemies list. I don't mind telling you some of these names are getting triple underlined tonight.

Accelerating my nonsense until the bullshit stops.

Allow yourselves to be guided by kindness, bearing in mind as you go along that most people are insane.

Crumble up a few pieces of stale bread into your May morning to stretch it further.

I'm trying to remember the name of that one memoir. It was hot out; there might have been a mother. Ringing any bells?

Maybe I'll give it all up and move to the 19th century for the summer.

Maybe a little sweetness today? For me, I mean. I know how obsessed you people are with your savory Fridays.

Here's my very human promise: no AI, not for me, not ever, never. It will never be in any writing you see from me. I'd sooner die.

I don't care if you found it for free: do not dredge up AI-based mulch and drag it home to your rosebeds. You don't know what kinds of pathogens it carries.

Thanks, but I prefer my enemies diabolical, smart, extremely hot, & often wearing low-cut leather pants.

Cinnamon toast will easily solve seven or eight of your problems.

Go through your days assuming everyone you meet is insane. I promise you you'll never be disappointed.

I'm reading a book and really enjoying it. I already knew almost all the words but they're arranged in an order I've never seen before.

Joy is resistance. Buying my book is also resistance. Buying two copies of my book? Well, joy shared will reseed itself and multiply.

Fold down the upper right-hand corner of today so you can find it again later and remember. You can dog-ear your own Friday; it's not a library copy.

Good night from my perch over on the far end of the world, where the drinks are free and quiet time never ends.

The Callow Method is the only path to enlightenment.

Tuck a few of my sentences behind your ears when you want to feel fancy.

Six years ago today, Allen and the Allens made its debut with a cover of this tune by the marvelous Heather Styka.

Hold on, everyone. I have to go out for a bit this morning. Nobody say anything good while I'm gone. You know I can't bear to miss out.

I need at least a handful of you people to become billionaires so you can bankroll my preferred reality into existence: Heaven on earth for everyone.

We're waging a campaign against the first person now? Can I not have one thing in this life to love?

How do I maintain the stamina to minister to the downhearted year after year? Uppers, mostly. Some carbs.

Along with a heart-healthy diet, 30 minutes of enemy smiting each day reduces your risk of stroke by 90%.

Is this the complaints department?

I suppose I could make space within the Goldblattian universe for a friendly little vodka tonic.

Today is a beautiful day for it! Whatever you might be dreaming of: let's hope it's today.

Take hold of a Saturday by its horns, I always say, and squeeze out all the goodness it's been hoarding all week.

I can't say for sure I wouldn't kick a double negative out of bed for eating crackers. At my age, a good double negating is hard to find.

I know there's a lot of chaos and misery afoot, but Duchess Goldblatt has a cold. Make haste with the well wishing.

I visited with a friend recently. Luckily I always keep my butterfly net at hand in case one wanders by. Long story short, your pal Duchess is ready to slay all oncoming dragons again. Let them try.

I prescribe one FROG by Anne Fadiman followed by a dose of THE COMPANY OF OWLS by @pollyrowena.bsky.social if symptoms persist.

Never worry! I picked up all your lost hours overnight and I'll parcel them back out when a benevolent mood strikes.

Daylight is irrelevant if you have the metric system, because it measures time not in hours but by weight, using kitchen scales. That's only because the international governing bodies couldn't agree on the duration of a coffee spoon.