If you want to rest in the shade of clinical-grade tomfoolery, free of all contaminants and impurities, you're in the right place. I get every batch tested.

No more, no more.

<pokes head out of a deep and shadowy silence to listen> Sounds like some bullshit happening out there. No, thank you. I retreat.

The advantage of moving ever deeper into a shadowy and all-encompassing silence is that I can't hear anything, but I can keep sending out flares. Ideal, really.

I'm going to be moving ever deeper into a shadowy and all-encompassing silence. Just keep tithing as per your usual by the first.

I've been very focused on my new series of scrimshaw on clouds. All signed, mostly abstracts, but I threw in a few whaling ships for you purists.

Go do something nice for a friend or neighbor today. Nothing you tweet or do will have any impact on the mess, but that will make you feel better. Build community.

Happy new year, lovely creatures. To better days ahead.

What are we looking forward to? Tell me something good and true and real.

I've been secretly hoarding sweet nothings all year and tonight I will whip them at you one by one, dodgeball style.

Maybe this will be the year I move full-time into a gingerbread house.

Putting a hat on that baby is not within your control; it is life's longing for itself. Go forth and hat a baby, for god's sakes.

As you age, a day comes when the ancestors start to whisper from deep inside your bones: someone needs to put a hat on that baby.

First have your coffee time, then do your stretching, fight evil until lunch, then you can have a little nap; then you'll bring joy to the world, then cocktails.

I feel like the universe is telling me today to get back into my comfort zone.

I try not to know the sales numbers of my own books or others, but it appears that my book on writing has this week outsold Olivia Nuzzi's book on activities that she enjoys (including, I presume, writing). Not vastly outsold, so I have included a link. www.harpercollins.com/products/a-l...

Disappointing first week book sales, job loss, and public shaming are not enough. Are there no workhouses?

Feeling nostalgic for the time when the moon was full every night of the week. We used to ship all our excess moonlight to Canada.

Seems to be quite a lot of shouting going on today. I've muted the world for a bit. It's all retreating into the mists now.

I have the answers if anyone's still searching.

The invisible thread binding us all holds fast to the spirit. Last time I had it wound around ankles instead and we saw a worrisome number of broken hips.

I spoke to Miwa Messer about my new book: www.barnesandnoble.com/blog/poured-...

Just setting this here as a reminder.

It's not quite the end of the term, so you have a few more opportunities to bring your grades up. Where are my power sycophants?

Wild North American sugarplums are boneless, but European sugarplums have tiny, razorlike skeletons. Inbreeding, I think.

Thank you to everyone who sent me their extra shares of sleep. I'm using them tonight.

I can see that none of you children will be at peace until you see someone compliment me. Here you are then.

Get some rest tonight, everybody. I'll expect to see your offerings tomorrow. The devil hasn't yet made the villain who can spoil Secular Pie Thursday.

I renew my request that you all stop showing me the worst people in the world morning, noon, and night.

The least you could do is tell me I look nice today.

Make sure you scroll down so that you can find @duchessgoldblatt.bsky.social and vote for her at the link listed above.

Apparently I'm in a contest pitted against "Men Don't Read"? Heads, as we say, will roll.

Props to my phone for reminding me that the kid went through this particular fashion moment in 2021. Note @duchessgoldblatt.bsky.social looking on approvingly from the lower left corner…

I'm going to have a nice peaceful day with no bad news if it kills us all.

I think I'll come back in my next life as the quick breath before every surprise belly laugh. Look for me.

Some of you seem to have failed to cultivate a thirst for vengeance. It's not how I raised you.

Remember I get 10% of all friendships developed through a shared love for me. No checks.

Save a little Thursday in a glass dish. A day will come when you'll be glad to have it warmed up on toast points.

On any clear October evening, you can get a pretty good buzz just from licking the edges of the night sky.

In the 19th century, prologues served a useful purpose in literature because the past tense hadn't yet been invented.

So many distractions for you children these days! I almost think they might be pulling focus from my ongoing campaign against prologues.

God has promised me my enemies will receive the word in the form of a rage stroke in a Florida golf course toilet. I remain steadfast in hope.

I am chuffed to the point of unpleasantness to have a story in this year's Best American Short Stories, chosen by the wonderful @pronounced-ing.bsky.social!

Jewel thieves are out there hustling, cracking open the Louvre in broad daylight, and yet not one of you can be arsed to steal my portrait. Why do I even bother running a cult?

Blessings upon those who told me how to kill off "Discover" and to append "-ai" to all searches. Yours is the kingdom of heaven.

I'm very proud of you all today. Well done. No notes.

Out now: 37 new episodes of my podcast, all featuring me and the monks of Crooked Path as we sit in contemplative silence for hours. Bliss.

We're coming up on a waning crescent moon, which means right now it isn't all puffed up with sodium, retaining seawater. It's healthier for it.

@rebeccamakkai.bsky.social Rebecca, my friend! Hello there, wondrous one.

Creative expression is the essence of the human experience. Try making a new dish, or stabbing an ai slopper with a wooden stake.