Always "the hand looks worse today; they're covering it with more makeup" and never "the carcass is on the side of the road." When, Lord?

I know you're thinking a lobotomy sounds pretty good right about now, but hear me out: there may be downsides.

Tiptoe around me tomorrow. Eggshells, everyone. Whisper. Refrain. My old heart, while famously load bearing, has its limits.

Good night, beloved weirdos. I look forward to seeing the tomfoolery you get up to tomorrow.

I didn't realize they let men play hockey now, too! Three cheers for inclusivity!

Obviously you will all be called upon to avenge me after my death, but now I'm thinking, why wait? Get out there and prevenge.

Protect your heart from breaking by padding it with soft cheese.

Clearly I haven't been swaddling you people tightly enough at bedtime. You're all floppy and loose. Prepare to be snug.

God's promise to me has not yet come to pass, but it will. I take these words from Colin Dickey as a happy omen.

Today's advice column, brought to you by @summerbrennan.bsky.social, is to link arms with somebody nearby who's in cahoots with the forces of good.

Ozempic is some kind of mind control, right?

Holding your mind focused when you need to work, keeping yourself and your dear ones fed and afloat and hopeful: this is resistance, too.

Excerpt from the book! Out today from Lit Hub

I would pay good money for a @duchessgoldblatt.bsky.social advice column.

Someday I'll talk to you children about skimming a little off the top of each dewy morning, but not yet. You won't understand until you're older.

Before the Industrial Revolution, people would often string together little pieces of days and save them aside in earthenware crocks.

You will not catch a cold from reheating Wednesdays, I promise you. Henry Ford invented that lie to convince workers to shell out for a new day every 24 hours.

Any leftover bits of Wednesday can be scraped right on top of Thursday and warmed up. I've done it myself a thousand times.

I sometimes wonder which library classification system you people use at home, but it seems a little tacky to ask anyone outright.

Weirdo beauty! Oddball social media! 100% on brand for me. I accept your kind words with a grateful heart. How lovely to find a kindred spirit.

Focus your mind and your actions very intently on what you can do to improve the world, even if it's only as far as your arms can reach.

Dip the rim of your January Monday in orange juice and then in sugar. You can't go into this thing without reinforcements.

If you want to rest in the shade of clinical-grade tomfoolery, free of all contaminants and impurities, you're in the right place. I get every batch tested.

No more, no more.

<pokes head out of a deep and shadowy silence to listen> Sounds like some bullshit happening out there. No, thank you. I retreat.

The advantage of moving ever deeper into a shadowy and all-encompassing silence is that I can't hear anything, but I can keep sending out flares. Ideal, really.

I'm going to be moving ever deeper into a shadowy and all-encompassing silence. Just keep tithing as per your usual by the first.

I've been very focused on my new series of scrimshaw on clouds. All signed, mostly abstracts, but I threw in a few whaling ships for you purists.

Go do something nice for a friend or neighbor today. Nothing you tweet or do will have any impact on the mess, but that will make you feel better. Build community.

Happy new year, lovely creatures. To better days ahead.

What are we looking forward to? Tell me something good and true and real.

I've been secretly hoarding sweet nothings all year and tonight I will whip them at you one by one, dodgeball style.

Maybe this will be the year I move full-time into a gingerbread house.

Putting a hat on that baby is not within your control; it is life's longing for itself. Go forth and hat a baby, for god's sakes.

As you age, a day comes when the ancestors start to whisper from deep inside your bones: someone needs to put a hat on that baby.

First have your coffee time, then do your stretching, fight evil until lunch, then you can have a little nap; then you'll bring joy to the world, then cocktails.

I feel like the universe is telling me today to get back into my comfort zone.

I try not to know the sales numbers of my own books or others, but it appears that my book on writing has this week outsold Olivia Nuzzi's book on activities that she enjoys (including, I presume, writing). Not vastly outsold, so I have included a link. www.harpercollins.com/products/a-l...

Disappointing first week book sales, job loss, and public shaming are not enough. Are there no workhouses?

Feeling nostalgic for the time when the moon was full every night of the week. We used to ship all our excess moonlight to Canada.

Seems to be quite a lot of shouting going on today. I've muted the world for a bit. It's all retreating into the mists now.

I have the answers if anyone's still searching.

The invisible thread binding us all holds fast to the spirit. Last time I had it wound around ankles instead and we saw a worrisome number of broken hips.

I spoke to Miwa Messer about my new book: www.barnesandnoble.com/blog/poured-...

Just setting this here as a reminder.

It's not quite the end of the term, so you have a few more opportunities to bring your grades up. Where are my power sycophants?

Wild North American sugarplums are boneless, but European sugarplums have tiny, razorlike skeletons. Inbreeding, I think.

Thank you to everyone who sent me their extra shares of sleep. I'm using them tonight.

I can see that none of you children will be at peace until you see someone compliment me. Here you are then.

Get some rest tonight, everybody. I'll expect to see your offerings tomorrow. The devil hasn't yet made the villain who can spoil Secular Pie Thursday.