I can't bear to look. Someone check and see if I'm on the list.

I've extended my online blackout. You may entertain yourselves by doodling my name over and over in your diary, like any other weekend.

Good morning! Today I'd like you all to disconnect completely from the ongoing horrors. I won't post, so you will not miss anything critically Goldblattian. Go.

Ice cream for dinner: appropriate self-care. Ice cream for lunch: any pretense at normalcy is gone. Lunacy reigns. 10/10.

Maybe have another coffee and do some judicious and exuberant blocking.

Tonight I'll sing you a lullaby of Goldblatt and tomorrow you will see signs that the world is righting itself, if only incrementally.

It's that time again: I put my employment in jeopardy and nominate @duchessgoldblatt.bsky.social for an honorary degree. Imagine! "That's *Doctor* Duchess Goldblatt."

Burying the lede two paragraphs down is a rookie mistake. Get a backhoe. Go down 12 feet. Forensic scholars will never find your point.

I trust you're all living in accordance with my teachings on the sanctity of revenge.

Good night, loons and weirdos. I'll swing by to see you tonight in your dreams.

Use the edge of a penny to scratch off the top layer of the morning. It looks like a Sunday, but I think you'll find a Monday hiding underneath.

FONSECA is a New York Times Book Review Editors' Choice 💫 #booksky #penelopefitzgerald #novel #historicalfiction #mexico

Yawn and stretch and try to come to life? In this economy?

Other ways you can support my work: • Save the cool side of the pillow for me • Don't let anyone eat my dessert • Curse my enemies to eternal damnation, early and often

Is everyone sending me 10% of your positive mental energy each month as per your vows? The till's a bit low.

Good vibes are free, and if you have any on hand, it's your moral obligation to share. Besides, the factory-farmed vibes sold retail are known carcinogens.

If you don't like my peaches, don't take the plums out of my icebox.

When updating your will, consider donating your body to the cozy mystery writing community. They might request early possession for R&D.

Challenge: Post your last photo taken in DC to show what a hellhole it is.

Up and at 'em! Let's go. I want peace on earth and lunch at 1 or by God, heads will roll.

Don't set your cheese free. It will never come back, no matter how much you once loved each other.

Between you and me, I'm starting to wonder whether it was in everyone's best interests to put the craziest assholes we could find in charge.

I'm thinking of getting rid of August altogether. It's served its purpose. We get it.

Remember that everything happens for a reason. Unfortunately, the reasons are very often stupid and bad and wrong and must be thwarted. Night night.

Preordering books is both free and an absolute good. Not free in terms of money, probably — economists are divided on that point. But if you can do it, you should.

Interrogate yourself on this point: would cheese help?

The book I'm reading, by an author in the UK, references a "bacon and tomato sandwich, with lettuce." Have we no universal standards?

Friday! Another chance to get it right this time. Hospital corners, everyone, and fizz your gin. There's no time to lose.

Cleanse your timeline tonight. A quick swish in sudsy water won't cut it. Get in there with scouring powder. Maybe dynamite.

43. @duchessgoldblatt.bsky.social wrote a letter-perfect memoir.

You can always get yourself a very tall glass with plenty of ice — and a straw, if you wish, no one here will stop you — and fortify your happiness forthwith.

Almost time for the @lylelovett.bsky.social concert. We're looking high and low for our @duchessgoldblatt.bsky.social 🤍🩵💙

I have a puppy.

Please join me in wishing happy birthday to my friend, @dorsalstream.bsky.social!

Quickly, children: Tell me something good.

You can always find something to worry about. Scrounge around under the couch cushions if you're out of ideas.

I stared directly at reality too long.

I'm sifting through rubble to find you something beautiful. So far I've only found earthworms, but they're doing God's work.

You have to build heaven on earth with your own two hands. And as long as you're up you can refill my wine glass.

Please note tomorrow's inventory sale will be first-rate stock. No factory seconds, irregulars, or sentence fragments.

This just in: half off all remaining stock, tomorrow only. I've got to move some of this inventory. No early birds.

If you've been jumbling your fiction and nonfiction together willy-nilly and shelving by spine color — I don't want to say everything is all your fault, but there's no other plausible explanation.

You are cordially invited to our Anti-Prime Sale, where every purchase will financially support bookstores, NOT billionaires 🥳

Homemaking tip: save on innovation costs by reusing bits and bobs of old nightmares strung together, rather than dreaming up a new one each time.

5 years ago was pub day for #BecomingDuchessGoldblatt by @duchessgoldblatt.bsky.social ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️ www.duchessgoldblatt.com

Find something to rejoice in today. Rage is fuel but not nourishment.

Saturday? In this economy? We'll see about that.

Holiday hours: between meals, awkward silences, and in the spaces when memory takes root. Call ahead for large parties.

Let's treat ourselves to one day tomorrow in which not one of you drags in any festering open wounds to show me.

I sing a song of myself today. Everything rhymes with "Duchess Goldblatt" if you're willing to free yourself from the bonds of standard pronunciation.