Started the day by activating a new Mastercard, then cutting it in two instead of the old one 👍

'Working for the Michelin Guide is like working for the CIA.' Is it fuck.

If I were an actor and needed to summon tears, I'd simply remember the brief but horrific period where I had a goatee and Cuban heeled boots.

Whoever said the best ideas are had on the toilet wasn't lying, because I just made this.

Chestnut family fun day Monday. The whole family sat around all day eating, chatting, and slagging off everyone else's chestnut figures.

Took off my shirt to bring my wife her coffee in bed.

Looks like it's the middle of the month again.

Look at my massive nuts etc.

Adding 'no worries if not x' to my AI prompts

Tell your mum. 6 knob max.

This is just incredible A tiny, tagged Monarch butterfly has flown from Southern Ontario in Canada to *Oklahoma* in a couple of weeks, as part of their migration And they haven't got google maps open on their phones either, they just know where to go

Now the nights are drawing in and it's firmly spooky season I might light some candles and do a Ouija board to ask Sean Lock his opinion on Jimmy Carr playing that Saudi comedy festival.

Told my Danish wife Paul McCartney's song was about Newcastle and called Maul on the fucking Tyne until beeb censorship changed it to Maul on 'kin Tyne. Now we wait.

Called Wim Hof 'Ice nonce' and now someone's mad.

My 23yr old just secured financing for his Phd. At his age I was in a band, drinking, smoking and shagging about, but what can you do? They have to find their own path.

Come on then autumn you bastard.

My favourite Barry Cryer story is his account of Nicholas Parsons asking Ross Noble who his favourite comedian was. "Richard Pryor" Noble replied, "Genius! So sad he set himself on fire while freebasing crack cocaine". Parsons, visibly upset, asked Barry later: "did you hear about Richard Briers?"

Been learning spanish an hour a day for about 10 months and just encountered my first ¡Caramba! I though there'd be way more of all that.

fewer than 1% of the human population will ever get to type a comeback as contextually devastating as this

Someone's been on Vinted.

Boring me has blocked all SoMe between 2100-1100, but boring me forgot Vinted didn't he, so exciting & cool me now has a poorly researched massive new wardrobe.

If Trump pronounces Vagina like he does China, that would, in part, explain Melania's face.

Germany is next level. A stick library for dogs! Pick a stick for your dog to play with on your walk, put it back when you're done ❤️

I love this account. Gives me the same warm serene fuzzy feeling as an episode of The Detectorists.

Found a Glenhusky cardigan. Wool with suede panels and leather buttons. With one click I am become 50s dad.

Wild I can install a 16k heating system that pays for itself in just over 3 years.

As an emigrant Yorkshire Brit, it's not the countryside, castles, or good people, and certainly not the stupid plugs. The rest of the world has these in equal or larger measure (thankfully not the stupid plugs). It's Marmite, the arts (music and comedy included) Sarsons and Bob Mortimer.

Off to the rapture love. Back before tea X

I need this but I need a divorce less.

Late night with Jimmy Kimmel. Brought to you by Tylenol and The Epstein Files.

Gonna treat pain the old fashioned way, with opium like we did before all the artistics.

I said walk and not a flinch.

Kimmel's back then. I hope Trump rage-bursts a hæmorrhoid.

I would take a bullet for Wilma.

Gonna eat as many laxatives as I can just before I get raptured.

She was THICC.

Peacemaker is very funny. I hope they let James Gunn do Batman. Bring back bombs with 'bomb' written on them. I want to see a panicky bomb wielding latex clad crime fighting duo trying to avoid nuns, kittens, and babies in prams.

Anyone for a quick plop? Not sorry.

Popping down to Germany for Flammekuchen. Be good until I get back.

I have questions.

Get your naps in the sun while you still can. Like Kev here and his Hedgehog, Stabby Rabbit.

Yorkshire Dads, hot single radiators near you need turning down.

This was a choice

Jimmy Fallon is your state-sanctioned comedian and you will laugh accordingly.

Soup season. Need a bigger pot.

Talked about this with my therapist just the other day

this is, hands down, the best video I've seen on men's influencer content and it's not close either

My wife is 5'7'' which is a wierd height because she's at least an inch taller than my mate who insists he's 5'9''

I said walk and he said fuck off so it's a stalemate.

The dog brings me a pear a few times a week and today's is perfect. Gotta be worth 3 dried duck treats.