I assure you I wouldn’t have been kicked out of 3 hebrew schools if my mom would have let me dress like a Jewish matador to attend them. I definitely would have still been kicked out of the first 2, but not that 3rd one.

45 is too damn young.

Russell Wilson (rapture) is no longer the Giants quarterback

In case you missed it this weekend, Eastern Michigan introduced the MACCOON turnover chain!

Guys, I’m starting to think Brian Daboll might suck

Returning Jesus Christ Downed By U.S. Missile Defense 30,000 Feet Before Making Landfall

Adios, man youtube.com/watch?v=zQ3o...

Mike Gundy whacked

I’m starting to think this whole going to the vet thing is some elaborate hoax pets have come up with steal our money (like we won’t just give it to them voluntarily). I bet my dog has a money market account with like $30,000 in it just waiting for me to croak

Release The Epstein Files Tylenol is not on the list

I'm telling you that that world doesn't exist. Either we're all safe, or none of us are safe. Kimmel and Colbert and jokes cannot save you from what's coming. You need the people that you won't fight for, to fight for you. But one-way solidarity ain't it.

Bruce Pearl can now co-host Michele Tafoya's podcast

Never take medical advise from gas station hotdogs

you mean st. petersburg?

Look, it’s Heroin and Adderall ganging up on Tylenol.

My mom is very likely going to outlive her savings and yet she has the politics of a wealthy retiree from Boca 🤦‍♂️

Can we have one day. Just one fucking day of peace from them

She hasn’t been feeling well, so little couch time should help her

As America's most pro-business leader in a generation, I will choose one company each week and accuse them of witchcraft

Jimmy Kimmel returns tomorrow night. MAGA hasn’t been this mad since 20 minutes ago, probably.

Kimmel ain’t the only person being censored. But I bet them people will reactivate their Hulu/disney subscriptions before the end of the week.

Are there Rapture influencers?

The only good kicker, is this guy

Bill Belichick saw the Bruce Pearl news and was like "wait a minute you're allowed to just leave and force your idiot son to coach your team?"

Makes total sense. It’s all the Cubs fault.

Legendary

At the Nuremberg trials, Karl Dönitz was convicted of war crimes for the sinking of civilian vessels. This is not a complicated question, it's been illegal for centuries.

The thing about the first time the FBI catches you on camera receiving a $50,000 bribe is it's definitely not the first time you've received a $50,000 bribe.

Sad news from Orlando

Btw, this is a common chickenshit flat track bully tactic. Force an inferior opponent, one who has no chance of surviving, into a fight they don’t want. If the VZ govt does nothing, they lose the country. If they retaliate, Trump gets his war and gets to kill brown people.

Imagine if they go after someone who’s actually funny

Glad we are all finally boycotting Disney due to Jared Leto being in tron 3. Now we can pressure them to- *someone whispers in my ear* … what do you mean that’s not the main reason

Top headline game from The Guardian

“Everything will be on fire, governments and systems will end, it’s the Apocalypse!” Me: but they’ll all be gone? All of them? “Who cares, it’s the end of times and we get to go to heaven!” Me: We? What’s with this we bullshit? Now how many will be gone, like ballpark estimate.

We’ve had so many things that should have made us all say “wait, what? Nope, we’re not allowing this,” but allowing LinkedIn to exist is an all time human self own

Listen, the Saints suck, this isn’t breaking news, but they look clean as fuck in those white uniforms and you can’t take that from them

My dog’s gas is making my eyes water and she’s 5 feet away from me. Shes going to the vet. Not feeling good last couple days

Rome Odunze decided he’s a top 5 WR

Hey #Seahawks, I could sure use a nice easy ass kicking today, nerves are shot, so you are off to fabulous start from point of view

Eagles cover! Eagles cover! Doesn’t affect me but Eagles cover!

Jake Browning’s last two weeks is how you explain why a guy is a career backup and not a starter. And for the record, I love Jake Browning so this is not a dig. I’d take him as my backup any day.

I wish we could have a camera on Glasner the entire match in the corner of the screen. I catch his reactions off in the comer and he’s an absolute maniac. It’s like his life force is sustained by us scoring and I think it’s fucking great 🤣

Atlanta Falcons

Third Stepdad In Row Has Goatee

Other fun fact: you can probably watch 3 dudes fight over a dead crow under a boardwalk in Atlantic City right now, regardless of the day and time you read this

To any of my wrestling fan friends here: when I am making disparaging remarks about ESPN WWE, I’m fully disparaging ESPN and not your thing. If this deal makes it better for you to watch wrestling, great, but ESPN still blows and it’s sad what they became even if it was always their intended goal