I think I might rewatch that Civil War movie with Nick Offerman and jerk off to the ending.

The rapture actually did happen.

I am become swamp ass, destroyer of social lives.

It’s a game changer! It’s a game changer! It’s a game changer! It’s a ga… OH MY GOD SHUT THE FUCK UP! THE GAME ISN’T CHANGING AND THE GAME STILL FUCKING SUCKS!

Yngwie J. Malmsteen used his middle initial so you didn’t confuse him with all the other Yngwie Malmsteens out there.

It’s my birthday I don’t have to wipe

Watching The Vampire Diaries and doing my man kegels

Eventually you just have to get up off that toilet and go face the world. (Please wash your hands first)

I had to delete a skeet about donating blood because it had a Type O.

touching ass > touching grass

Watching Judy Justice and tugging on my scrotum skin.

Well, I guess it depends on your definition of “explosive”

I’m going to go ahead and claim the title of “Cleanest Person in the World” right now because that shower was epic and there’s no way anyone is cleaner than me. That being said, there will still be no licking my butthole. That’s not what it’s there for.

Me: doesn’t use AI because it’s a waste of electricity and bad for the environment. Also me: inbox has 70k unread emails and I don’t unsubscribe because it’s a hassle

Oh. So THAT’S why they call them sloppy joes.

Look, I don’t care what the internet says. Manfred Mann was totally saying “douche” and you will never convince me otherwise.

My sincerest apologies to the gang down at the sewage treatment plant for the unholy abomination I just sent their way.

Gonna fill the sink with Flonase and submerge my face in it.

Been bothering me for years.

stay on target stay on target [dies]

I’m still pissed that George Lucas named that fat rebel pilot “Porkins”

More “fuck”, less “buddy”

Jesus H Christ babygirl crack the fuckin window my eyes are burning what the hell did you eat

bread pudding it’s like make up your fucking mind

Stephen Miller is going to come by later and we’re gonna hang dong and read Mein Kampf aloud with German accents.

Does Karma work from home? Maybe she should get back to the office because she hasn’t been very productive.

I didn’t wake up and choose violence, but the options becoming limited and tomorrow is a new day.

Blessed be the butthole.

Sorry I yelled ART OF THE DEAL, BITCH when I came. Is it “came”? Or “cummed”? I don’t know. Anyway, will you take it easy with the mayo on my sandwich this time I’m trying to watch my fat intake.

Well that’s a stupid RT

If you think advertising doesn’t work, you should know that I just watched a pharmaceutical ad and now I’m Amazon shopping for a banjo.

@quaaludescreams.bsky.social I missed you

Me: I’m not sure how these ladybugs got in the house Them: you know that’s a sign of good luck Me: yeah that shit doesn’t really work on me

My chickens laid 5 eggs today. - Me, flirting

Godammit

Eating some fruitcake (not a euphemism)

RFK Jr is gonna stop by tonight to give me a raw milk enema and read me bedtime stories.

I’m looking for someone to marry who isn’t in the USA. I need to get out of here. I only speak English but I’m willing to learn a second language. I can bring $500k with me. DM if you are interested. PLEASE HELP

Having a French breakfast. (smoking a cigarette while taking a shit)

You guys ever reflect on your childhood and get this overwhelming sense of guilt over all boogers you wiped on stuff? I mean, there's a Bob's Big Boy in West Covina that had probably close to a hundred boogers wiped in random spots all over that restaurant. It's awful. I feel terrible.

Man the internet is so much fun. You guys having fun? I'm having fun.

Doing shots of red dye no. 3 as I contemplate my post-capitalist identity

Brandi sniffers > brandy snifters

Sipping a brandy snifter of canola oil enjoying the confirmation hearings

Is that one bitch from Twitter on here?

It's just a little urine. It's not gonna hurt you

A glory hole where I can touch a boob

Need a gf who lays eggs