Swaddling my dick balls like a newborn infant.

Anybody know what type of caterpillar this is?

Come and take it. 🇺🇸🦅

My cat sneezed too hard. How do I reset it?

If you ask nicely I’ll slap it on your face.

Clint Eatswood would be a good name for a gay porn star.

She kung-fu grip on my Snake Eyes till I G.I. Joe.

They say that Rice-A-Roni is the San Francisco treat, but I always thought it was gay sex.

Here’s a meme I made.

Paul McCartney voice: “Simply 🎵 posting 🎵 a pic of my dick online 🎵”

Why is Kirby all caked up with a flower ‘tween them cheeks?

Writing “blow” under preferred position when filling out a job application.

Farting in the bathtub and getting scared that the bubbles are from a sea monster.

Abraham Lincoln: Pussy Hunter

Deploy the penis as soon as you see the brown of her eye.

A knight, disappointingly putting his helmet back on: “There was no glory at this hole. There was only a penis.”

The face he makes when he wants cuddles, food, or to suck your dick.

It’s me. I’m Bubba. Donald Trump sucked my dick so hard that my balls shriveled up.

Sometimes it’s easy to forget just how minuscule we are in the grand scheme of things.

I’m not attracted to my boyfriend unless he dresses like woman.

Was just asked to guest on the Lengthy Penis Podcast, but I turned it down because I’m humble.

Oh, you like sex? Name all the positions.

Whenever I’m with a girl that’s never seen an uncut penis before I do the Transformers sound the first time I pull my foreskin back.

Frot dog. (me and who?)

This looks like a Tim and Eric sketch.

Ghostface voice: “Do you like romantic comedies?”

Had to give a speech in front of a bunch of people so I was imagining the audience was naked to feel less nervous but then I just got horny and the only words I was able to get out were, “penis butt”.

Conservatives love to be like, “I enjoy eating shit. Shit tastes super yummy to me. I eat shit all the time.” But then get super angry when someone says they have shit breath.

Thinking about in 5th grade when my friend and I learned the terms fur burger and hair pie and we stayed in the car while my mom went into the grocery store so we could shout them at random people in the parking lot from inside our car that had dark tinted windows.

I hope when Spirit opens their Christmas stores this year they keep all the Spirit Halloween goth employees.

The best part of waking up 🎶 is busting a fat nut. 🎶

Happy Halloweenis.

Last minute Halloween costume.

Ouroboros.

Officials in Mississippi aren’t worried because COVID is a hoax and everyone in Mississippi already has hepatitis C and herpes.

This dude is like a Steve Little character on steroids.

It’s a family tradition that whatever the first grand baby calls the grandparents becomes what they’re called henceforth. I was the first. I called my grandpa “Baba” and so he was Baba after that. My niece was the first and she calls my mom “Maga” and I just fucking can’t.

Meatballs in goo.

Y’all ever have that dream where you can suck your own dick?

It’s science.

At Disney World and I was waving to try and get someone’s attention. Girl walked past me and said “Heil Hitler” and I don’t know if she was accusing me of doing a Nazi salute or if she was sympathizing with what she thought was Nazi salute, but either way, fuck that cunt.

Using the men’s room Dyson hand dryer on my tip.

Hunting for that rarest of elements. Buttsexium.

Lena Dunham Mama Cass biopic when?

Sometimes it’s nice to work out in nothing but sneakers. 🥴

RFK Jr. explaining he needed to make a full body suit out of foreskins to protect him from autism rays.

Check out what I found rummaging through my foreskin.