Gigging tonight and tomorrow ❤️

People of the UK and Ireland! Late Bloomer, my latest Stand Up Special is on Channel 4 tonight at 9pm and will also be on demand after that. I really hope it makes you laugh. Please share with folk who might like it. Thanks!

The vet says I’ve got to learn how to express my dog’s anal glans so I’ve signed up for a course in interpretive dance.

Easter-Online teaspoon #UxbridgeEnglishDictionary #Easter

This morning the Vicar told us "Rejoice,He has risen" Didn't know Viagra sponsored our church service. #LunchPun #Humoursky #Easter

This morning to surprise my Wife I hid some eggs in the garden, she was livid and said they were supposed to be for the children So that's the IVF treatment ruined. #LunchPun #Humoursky #Easter

A light up C-3PO head used in Star Wars episode V-The Empire Strikes Back has sold at auction for 1 million dollars. I went to the auction myself hoping to bid on it but was told "This is not the droid you're looking for" #BTNREJECTS

I’ll never forget when during biology lessons we had Sex Ed or, using the proper name, Sexy Edward.

My favourite thing about glamping is glaving a shit in a bucket.

Wishing everyone a fantastic day, Let's make Good Friday a great Friday.

Guys what if when Artemis II is the other side of the moon we all run and hide?

Got sacked from the dice making factory, I thought I was being efficient But they said I was cutting too many corners. #LunchPun #Humoursky

#TheOnlyBarJokeIKnow My mate has opened a pub for Dwarves so they can drink without getting abuse, it's good to know he's got standards But I think he's set the bar too high.

Antidote-Mum's sister Dorothy #UxbridgeEnglishDictionary

Unclear-A Dyslexic missile of mass destruction #UxbridgeEnglishDictionary

Late Bloomer, my latest stand up special, is on Netflix worldwide* NOW! *except UK and Ireland - channel 4 on Sunday at 9pm for you guys.

Aprils Fool’s day is great. Grandad really believes that I’m coming to collect him at the hospital.

This morning I convinced my mate I made lace collars for gorillas It was an Ape Frill Fool joke. #LunchPun #BestAprilFoolsDayPranks

How I arrived at Bluesky

I’m a huge football fan. I find them much easier to kick.

I’ll never forget that time at school when we had sex ed, or to use the proper name, Sexy Edward.

I got mugged last night. However I was the mugger's 1000th victim so although I sustained head injuries I also won tickets to see the latest production of Guys and Dolls at my local theatre.

Granary McPhee #ASongOrMovieForKindsOfBread

Bring Me The Hovis Of Alfredo Garcia #ASongOrMovieForKindsOfBread

#UxbridgeEnglishDictionary Metric-Introduced to Mr Mayall

#ASongOrMovieForKindsOfBread The Yeast From 20,000 Fathoms

Of Slice and Men #ASongOrMovieForKindsOfBread

The Loaf Of Brian #ASongOrMovieForKindsOfBread

Pungent-A Comedian #UxbridgeEnglishDictionary

#WhenMyPetNeedsAttention I know it's wet outside, because it paws with rain.

If a Nun compels you to do something Is it force of habit? #LunchPun

Boycott-Bed for a male baby #UxbridgeEnglishDictionary

I've just been watching that Dustin Hoffman film where he works in a Drycleaners Stain Man. #LunchPun #Humoursky

Monocle-To only have one bollock #UxbridgeEnglishDictionary

To a one-eyed optometrist the glasses are half-full.

#ASongOrMovieForAllCountryMusic Tango & Johnny Cash

Has anyone done any Food intolerance or allergy tests, please? Are they any good, and are there any you'd recommend? Ta

🤪

#ASongOrMovieForDailyRoutine The Wild Brunch

#ASongOrMovieForDailyRoutine The Lay-in King

Do I buy the present for my angler friend, or my shepherd friend first? I will decide, buy hook or buy crook. #LunchPun

I am going to be mentioning this a lot. Thrilled that my show, Late Bloomer, will be on Netflix worldwide* from April 1st. I hope it makes you laugh. Please share this if you’re able. It really helps. Thank you. 💚💛 *except UK and Ireland - news coming soon. Photo by Matt Crockett. Dress by Zuri

Grain Man #ASongOrMovieForAgricultureDay

Apocalypse Plough. #ASongOrMovieForAgricultureDay

Pig Sty-Porcine neckwear #UxbridgeEnglishDictionary

A Manure For All Seasons #ASongOrMovieForAgricultureDay

People say I’m unimaginative with my comebacks but actually they’re unimaginative with their comebacks.

Huge news! Utterly thrilled to announced that my latest stand up special Late Bloomer will be on Netflix worldwide* on April 1st. Beyond thrilled. Please tell your friends, family, neighbours, dogs and cats that like laughing. Horses? Horses. Everyone. *Except UK and Ireland - news coming soon

When I was in charge of accommodation on a cruise liner, this obese Woman complained her room wasn't big enough So for the rest of the voyage, I gave her a wide berth. #LunchPun #Humoursky

Hairdressers always ask where you’re going on holiday but travel agents never ask when you’re next getting a haircut.