Lino-Dyslexic Big Cat #UxbridgeEnglishDictionary

It's Christmas and I haven't listened to this yet this year

To all Dyslexics Washing yew a harpy chrysalis #Humoursky #LunchPun

This year instead of wasting money on presents I sent a goat to a village in Africa. He had a lovely time, and wants to go again this year.

Don't know why my Christmas tree decorations won't work when I plug them in Light blew? No, a sort of silvery white colour #Humoursky #LunchPun

There’s no such things as a stupid question only stupid people asking questions.

#TheOnlyThingsIExchange Are insults

I was going to sign a contract to be a Christmas Elf But I didn't like the Santa Clause #Humoursky #LunchPun

"Falling Into You", a song by Celine Dion Or excuse by a Farmer caught shagging sheep? #Humoursky #LunchPun

#ASongOrMovieForTheWinterSeason Freeze Willy

#ASongOrMovieForTheWinterSeason Captain America: The Frost Avenger

I had a bit of an embarrassing moment recently I was at a swingers party with someone I shouldn’t have been with and was accidentally filmed listening to Coldplay.

I entered a competition to see who was the most considerate lover. I came second.

I was fired from my last job for having sexual relations in the workplace. Nowadays people are so strict at the morgue

I saw a one man band fall down a flight of stairs earlier but don’t worry, it sounds lot worse than it actually is.

#IfImInAToyWorld I'd have no genitals like Ken

I was meant to be giving a wild Boar a skin graft today and ended up making a pig's ear of it.

The person most likely to criticise the Air Conditioning on the set of 'Saved by the Bell' is AC Slater.

#ASongOrMovieForThingsForFree Thieving On A Jet Plane

#IfSomethingIsForFree When someone offered me a puppet for free, I thought there's got to be a catch But there were no strings attached #Humoursky

#ASongOrMovieForThingsForFree Little Shoplifting Of Horrors

#ICanDoWithAWarm hand upon my entrance

Whenever we play Scrabble it always degenerates into a big tile fight and then tears. It’s all fun and games until somebody loses an I.

#ItsTheThoughtThatCountsWhen You can operate a calculator with your mind

Don’t forget to put your advent calendar forward a day.

Here's a little video I had filmed recently in Liverpool at Hot Water Comedy. youtu.be/0A_vixQGtnc?...

#ImVeryOrganisedWhen Being disorganised

For world book day I made a hat covered in books but didn’t wear it as I felt too shelf-conscious.

It was so quiet in the grenade museum you could hear a pin drop.

If you’re seeking revenge you should dig two graves. Just in case an innocent bystander sees you digging the first grave.

Of all assassins the most deadly was the Ninja who would creep silently into people’s houses in the dead of night and cook sausages from frozen in 12 minutes.

A great way to figure out if you’d look good with a turtleneck is to ask yourself the question ‘Am I a turtle?’ If the answer’s ‘No’ then you wouldn’t.

#WhatIFindPuzzling is Jigsaws

Have you tried chewing Blu tac? It’s like Nicotine gum but for glue sniffers.

In the 80s scanning under hedges for porn mags was known as privet browsing mode.

#ASongOrMovieForAllThingsSticky Planet of the Tapes

#ASongOrMovieForAllThingsSticky Glue Velvet

#ASongOrMovieForKeepingWarm Once Mitten

#ASongOrMovieForKeepingWarm Glove Actually

Top tip. Use emojis to help communication in real life by simply acting them out with your face. Eg turn the sides of your lips up a bit to make a ‘smiley face’.

#ASongOrMovieForKeepingWarm Grosse Pointe Blanket

Apparently on dating apps some girls want to know if you’re at least six inches which is easy for me as I’m actually 5 foot 9.

#IOnlyTakeChancesWhen playing Monopoly

People say I’m the best at handstands but I’m not going to let it go to my head.

Went to see Tim Vine in his new film Rocker 'Brella Fella this evening, it was delightful. He even did a Q&A afterwards and stayed around to sign stuff and take photos. If you get a chance to see it you will definitely leave smiling.

@food404.bsky.social Thank you for following and the repost

Once again, I predicted that non-sparkling would win the Best Water Award. Still got it.

My Uncle has been offered money to perform surgery on The Police's lead singer I warned him it sounds like a Sting operation #LunchPun #Humoursky