Apollo quickie.

x.com/GBretman/sta... @filmilton.bsky.social

I once dated a pair of conjoined twins. Well, technically I was only dating one of them but I was seeing her sister behind her back.

#UxbridgeEnglishDictionary Impaired-To have hair like an Imp

#UxbridgeEnglishDictionary IMPAIRED: A goblin that has been hung out to dry.

Ivory smugglers? Tsk, tsk!

@garydelaney.bsky.social I seem to remember you doing this joke last year, now it's in cartoon form

I walked into the fertility clinic. The nurse said I can already tell what the problem is. I said ‘How?’ She said that’s the back door.

I got a dent in my car so I took it down the body shop. They said they sadly couldn’t repair it but they could fill it with bath bombs.

Trying to check myself into a clinic for people who are sexually obsessed with Elton John. The computer in reception has just asked me to 'Enter Reg'. .. This isn't getting any easier.

Old gold. The grief counsellor joke.

So anyway a face painter is not the same as a tattoo artist artist and I no longer organise children’s parties.

I wouldn’t artificially change the colour of my lettuce but I dye cress…

Ms Ekland is marketing a fizzy beverage, so I need music to advertise it Brit Pop? Yes, it's like Pepsi #LunchPun #Humoursky

Knights of old never sallied forth without their trusty charger as otherwise their phone would run out.

- I see the knights are drawing in. - Don’t you mean the nights are draw *GETS RUN THROUGH BY A LANCE*

I’m worried about my mate who says he hears voices in his scrotum. Genuine psychiatric illness, or talking bollocks?

Can’t believe all the idiots on my road have left the wrong bin out.

For Valentines Day my wife said she wanted to be wooed so I booked us two tickets on a ghost train.

Finally finished writing my first braille novel. Feels good.

My mate is so obsessed with Japanese cartoons He called his Daughter Annie May #LunchPun #Humoursky

I’ve always believed you shouldn’t just go round putting labels on people. Which is why I got fired from the mortuary.

I'm currently reading a book called "Things they don't teach you at Harvard Business School". It's mainly about Crochet.

I put on a lot of weight

@eggforbread.bsky.social Thank you for following

I don’t think you need special equipment to climb small mountains and that’s a hill I’m willing to die on.

Doctors complain about being overworked but then the consultant said she wants to examine my earring! #LunchPun

My wife will buy anything marked “sale”. Last week she bought South Manchester.

#UxbridgeEnglishDictionary Nordic-What not to do when giving a Blowjob

#UxbridgeEnglishDictionary Tweed-What a Yorkshireman did in the urinal

#UxbridgeEnglishDictionary Petulant-To hire out a Hamster

Sure I’m bad at spelling but I’m not going to loose any sheep about it.

#ImNotLookingForExcuses I've got all the excuses I need

Second preview in Chorley with Alun Cochrane. Great crowd. Tested loads of stuff. Tour starts April. On sale next month.

I used to be a fluffer but now I’m semi retired.

I’m getting a bit out of touch with my music taste. Does anyone know what cassettes the young people are listening to nowadays?

Top Tip: Relax twice as fast by playing your mindfulness mediation at double speed.

#UxbridgeEnglishDictionary Orchestral- Reverential wonder at a bird of prey

#SubtlyDowngradeABand Bronze Maiden

#SubtlyDowngradeABand Grey Sabbath

One time I was undressing a woman with my eyes but she busted me when my lashes got caught in her zipper.

Bananas make things around them ripen faster and this is why you never see a young greengrocer.

#UxbridgeEnglishDictionary Fertile-A hairy wall covering