Every time Barbapapa tried to turn into The New Shmoo, it just came out looking like Oddball from Whizzer & Chips.

If I had only one complaint to make, it would be that one is not enough.

Nobody minds you being so devoid of skills that you use AI – it just seems fair that if you're going to do so, you should be prevented from ever having any access to clean water for any other purpose. No drinking or bathing for you! Enjoy your slop.

Donald Trump is the absolute worst case scenario of what can happen when a gay lad is forced into the closet by the toxic society he is born into.

It's such a shame that not one single person in the USA seems to own a gun.

RIP Birthday, Sir Peter Cook – 88 today in the good universe. www.youtube.com/watch?v=nDQQ...

“june whitfield nudes”

I say 'breakfast, dinner and tea'. Plus, thousands of other words.

Everyone goes on about how great nature is, but as soon as you date a girl who happens to have a son, and you naturally eat them to keep your bloodline superior, suddenly you're a 'murdering cannibal'!

Has anyone ever actually caught Henry Winkler winkling?

I'm a firm believer in sex before death.

I had the most terrible bad dream! Really generic plot, bigoted dialogue, starring Adam Sandler. Soundtrack by Keane. Abysmal.

Biblical researchers have announced that the Christian term 'Amen' actually comes directly from the Ancient Aramaic for 'Yeah or whatever'.

I want to wake up in the city that never sneezes.

Don't presume that just because something is an objectively bad idea, that it will be unpopular and ultimately die out. Someone in the last 20-odd years decided that cauliflower cheese could somehow be part of a Sunday roast. Some are still supporting that ludicrous lie.

If modern USA had the same code of honour as Imperial Rome, Washington would just be littered with Republicans with swords through their guts.

Is there really a single person out there who has ever bothered to say ANYTHING to any kind of AI chatbot besides "I want to speak to a human NOW"?

It won't be enough to destroy GBNews. Everyone connected to it will have to be imprisoned as a traitor to the country as well.

I suppose the only truly great thing to come from gambling must be the sandwich.

You make me feel so young, I need your help to go to the toilet.

Of course what few people appreciate about Sir John Betjeman was that he always did all his own stunts.

Strange to think that nobody was cool before the 16th century, because tobacco hadn't been discovered.

Incurable positivity? I wouldn't say no.

You know, I really can't think of anything worse than... oh, hang on, Iain Duncan Smith. Okay yeah, that's one thing.

YOU MAY HAVE ALREADY WON THE RIGHT TO SILENCE.

All young men look like embarrassing photos of their future selves.

You know when you've been Tango'd, but sometimes the memory is very deeply buried and needs therapy to truly heal.

I’ve got my whole life ahead of me. And it's in the way of the telly.

If billionaires hate poor people so much, why are they dead set on creating so many more of them?

I'm not polyamorous, just forgetful.

I WILL NOT TOLERATE FAILURE! I will run away from it and hide.

Mickey Mouse & Donald Duck often argued, but we all know who wore the trousers in that relationship.

Paul McCartney has his thumbs up all the time because he's a great artist and he's just trying to keep the world in perspective.

I just found a pill so old it was bought not even from Somerfield, but the defunct supermarket under its original name. It's a Gateway drug.

BREAKING NEWS: A book broker from Brockenhurst has broken his back breaking open a big box of broken biccies.

PRESUMPTION #412: There are very few Keiths in Minsk.

It only remains for me to say, 'where did the rest of it go?'

Happy #FabFoolsFriday! Here's Ringo wrestling with IT'S man Michael Palin on Monty Python's Flying Circus: www.youtube.com/watch?v=F67e... Not enough? Okay, here's Lulu reacting to being reminded of it: www.youtube.com/watch?v=KF8M... You're welcome. ✌🏾🎶🃏

Are you thinking what I'm thinking...? Bit presumptuous of you, really.

I remember when rock was middle-aged.

I'll see you in Hell. (I'll be the one playing Madlibs with Diana Dors.)

I'm not one of Thatcher's children. My Dad had more taste in the ladies than that.

I have a cavalier attitude to GBNews. I think everyone connected to it should be mercilessly cut down with swords from horseback.

How many individuals would you estimate Trump has specifically had killed, in his whole life? Not the hordes from inept government, but actual targeted hit jobs? I’d guess it’s a three-figure sum.

Scientists have found a species of beetle which gathers moss. Which proves definitively that beetles are better than rolling stones.

You: Will you listen to our podcast? Me: Am I on it? You: Well, no. Me: There's your answer.

In the West Midlands? Come to our special YULE folklore show, the Saturday before Xmas!

I must have seen at least 15 Frankenstein adaptations, but few which felt so fundamentally alien to anything Mary Shelley would have recognised as Del Toro’s weirdly dumbed-down Netflix offering. Branagh has no worry.

Anyone who's anyone is arbitrary these days.

I like someone who knows what they want. Depending heavily on what they actually want.