“Chubby huffy middle-aged Home Office bod with a heart of gold who gets bumped off by Le Carré at the end of Chapter 12.”

A society in which a Nigel Farage is not immediately destroyed (about 15 years ago) barely qualifies as civilisation at all. soundcloud.com/jemroberts/c...

Kate Bush Wuthering Heights / Charlie XCX “Wuthering Heights”

Mary Whitehouse used to wear HORN-RIMMED glasses. Dirty cow.

Why do we even have a King Edward VII Hospital, anyway? The fat sod's been dead for over a century, nobody can help him now.

I'm going to start a support group for people who are paranoid about interlopers… Who's with me?

That scrub was always too damn good for those heinous TLC dirtbags.

If there was a historical Jesus, do we actually think he was a paedophile himself, or is it perhaps more the case that so many of his modern-day followers have all just misunderstood his message somehow?

We don't have an Overton Window any more. 'Window' is considered too gay. The Overton Window has been replaced by The Evil Spyglass of The Lowest Pit Of Hell, and it's the only viewpoint we're allowed from now on.

I'm not sure how anyone can bear to watch or listen to Professor Brian Cox on anything these days, knowing what a craven sub he is to his horrifically bigoted spouse. It's not even as if anyone believes he himself is a bigot, just a wet-arsed bigot supporter.

Marking this particular #FabFoolsFriday with that time Paul McCartney showed up in Bojack Horseman: youtu.be/9julixBhk_s?... ✌🏽🎶🃏

Bonnie Tyler just told me forever's gonna start tonight. I hope we've got enough milk in the fridge.

TOP TIP: Unwanted jumpers, tshirts, vests and sweaters can be taken to this municipal waste clothes recycling centre.

98% of all wars throughout history can be put down to 'low blood-sugar levels'.

Every day that you don't bring about a conclusion to the miserable lifespan of a billionaire, a CEO, a racist or a paedophile (if they're one of the above, they're probably all four), is a precious day wasted.

I just learned that the real-life Anna from The King and I was the great aunt of Boris Karloff: en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Anna_Le... But how do I turn this into £££?

People who fail to Like and repost everything I put on social media – what do you actually do with your days?

If you ever wanted to watch noughties comedy Scrubs, but every character has a serious illness: youtu.be/dJq8WJ5lMec

We're back in Ludlow this #FolkloreThursday, sizing up the likelihood of the Robin Hood legend, ROBIN'S ARROW! youtu.be/DqIrr3eHlnI?... 🏹 🏴󠁧󠁢󠁷󠁬󠁳󠁿🏴󠁧󠁢󠁥󠁮󠁧󠁿🏴󠁧󠁢󠁳󠁣󠁴󠁿📚

Seeing as Britney Spears has apparently sold her entire music catalogue, I'm looking for a meagre collection of things that I didn't actually create to sell to the highest bidder as well. I'm looking for $3million for the Complete Works of Bobby Davro.

Every single newspaper: "The new Wuthering Heights film has turned out to be a massive stinking load of moronic, shallow shite! Here's our special feature on the costumes, the music, the lighting, the blah blah blah…"

It’s testament to how beneath contempt Cameron, May, Johnson, Truss and Sunak were that a stone-cold turd like Sir Keir Starmer is still unequivocally an infinitely better human being in every respect than any of them.

I could start a podcast about all the podcasts I've been invited onto, but that episode has never been released. Probably because of the sheer rate of drivel pouring out of my mouth – as an isolated parent who barely otherwise gets any chance to speak, and really wants folk to buy my books/audio.

Allowing Reform PLC to exist, and to cosplay as a legitimate political party, makes about as much sense as deliberately pulling on underpants made of razors every day and just hoping you still have genitals come bedtime. It’s a transparently *criminal* organisation! DESTROY. REFORM. NOW.

Allowing Reform PLC to exist, and to cosplay as a legitimate political party, makes about as much sense as deliberately pulling on underpants made of razors every day and just hoping you still have genitals come bedtime. It’s a transparently *criminal* organisation! DESTROY. REFORM. NOW.

Trumpian levels of dishonesty & distraction by Streeting. Trying to divert attention away from the fact that, as Health Secretary, he gave our health data to dodgy US spy firm Palentir… …which was represented by *Peter Mandelson’s* lobbying company. Receipts: www.theguardian.com/politics/202...

I just have to catch a whiff of a certain kind of hair gel and I'm right back in 1987. Which is inconvenient, so I avoid the smell if I can. Takes ages to get back to today.

It's a bloody good job they discovered how to smelt copper with tin to make bronze 4,000 years ago or we'd be in a right shitty state by now.

Hey America – if you love freedom so much, why are there so many billionaires still alive over there? While billionaires live, you are slaves.

The person in the middle right-hand column was never, and will never be the Prime Minister.

I'm still disgusted that Geoffrey Durham killed The Great Soprendo and was allowed to remain at large.

Everyone’s chance to say that BBC news and current affairs are a basket case, Right Wing Headbanger Hour (Question Time) should be put out of its misery, and the corp’s focus should be on everything non- news related (which is most of it & what everyone watches). Media Herberts will hate that

I never particularly wanted to see Ed Gamble’s cum face.

After the Restoration, Oliver Cromwell was dug up and his corpse was publicly hung, drawn and quartered. We should absolutely do the same with Thatcher and Reagan.

The fricking MAIL? *THE* worst, openly fascist paedophile pamphlet in the history of publishing? Who told those disgusting scumbags they were supposed to be journalists?!

Donald Trump’s crimes make Jimmy Savile seem like… well, how Jimmy Savile seemed circa 1990.

The Runaway Train, The Ship Titanic, Casey Jones... What happened to the grand tradition of writing kid's songs about tragic news items?

Isn't it astonishing that, in 700 years, only one London Mayor has done well enough to qualify for a pantomime about them?

Loving Jesus Christ is like the ultimate long distance relationship. But you can still cyber.

I’m Rowlf, and I can’t even play piano.

Wuthering Heights is this year’s Dubai Chocolate.

Racial hatred, and a chicken dinner for eight quid. Just how I like it… #ALEXEISAYLE

Had hoped that Fred would enjoy kiddy Slapstick with Cbeebies’ Andy Day presenting Buster Keaton and Wallace & Gromit with live brass band… thing is, he’s too empathetic for slapstick. He cried for Buster.

Someone on Radio 2 without a Bolton accent. What’s happening?!

Remember when David Blaine hung himself in a glass box in London? Well, Whitehall should have at least a dozen of those boxes permanently installed, for public viewing. This is where Mandelson should be now. And Farage, Tice and more. No food/water/clothes/sanitation. Just a box.

I don’t Like replies to my posts from people who didn’t Like my post first. Because I’m not a sub.

Macy Gray covering Right Said Fred is sooo BBC right now. Next up, Ricky Gervais performing Bernard Manning jokes.

I’m very worried that this uptick of shit Country music on BBC Radio is part of the same movement to make Farage PM and destroy the NHS. Why else would they be playing this utter generic toss several times a day? www.youtube.com/watch?v=hLOh...

How can the Winter Olympics be happening when the whole of Earth’s civilisation is fighting for survival? We are at war, our cities are on fire… Enjoy your bloody curling.

They use accusations of “Antisemitism” to protect child rapists and murderers. There couldn’t be anything more hateful to Jewish people than that.