I didn't think it would be, but me dishing out the cards when we play poker is ideal. #Lunchpun

I was surprised by the price of refreshments when I visited Niagara Falls, but I guess they've got you over a barrel. #Lunchpun

I used to be terrible at DIY until I contracted leprosy and now I'll throw my hand at anything. #Lunchpun

Watts this number on the light bulb? #LunchPun

My home made gin is taking forever. Maybe I shouldn't have put it in the sloe cooker. #Lunchpun

I just want to scream and shout and get rid of this Labour leader. Blare out? No, he was ages ago. #Lunchpun

My friend Rita has developed a new scent and has asked me to suggest a good name. I said Eau de Rita will be a shoo in. #Lunchpun

I've found that the grass at the summit of Everest is manageable, if you keep on top of it. #Lunchpun

My snooker playing friend from Birmingham always has his hand a long way from the cue ball. Long bridge? No, Selly Oak. #Lunchpun

If you're going to slag off a Greek Island, please be diss crete. #Lunchpun

Stuffed animals with long necks make excellent giraffe excluders. #Lunchpun

My local Spanish arena was quickly demolished while the bull dozed. #Lunchpun

I'm at Land's End, trying out the locals' famous anise flavoured spirit, and to be honest, I don't know what all the fuss is about Cornish Pastis. #Lunchpun

One's attempt to exorcise the ghost from one's castle has failed. It's back to scare one, I'm afraid. #Lunchpun

I prefer food that isn't sweet. Savoury? Oh, I prefer food that isn't very sweet. #Lunchpun

I heard that the government has deployed the army to the railways in a West London district. At Acton stations? No, I think they're just on manoeuvres. #Lunchpun

I take offence when people mispronounce the crossing spanning the Humber. Umbrage? Don't you start. #Lunchpun

My cunning plan to build one bed on top of another has been debunked. #Lunchpun

I have published a giant compundium of jokes! It contains jokes from my previous mini books, plus hundreds more (about 900 in total). Available on Kindle or in hard copy versions... amzn.eu/d/05cmv8LU Please share if you'd be so kind...

I'm getting tired of sleeping in. #lunchpun

Not many people know that the only difference between a graveyard and a cemetery is that a cemetery must have an equal number of bodies on both sides. #LunchPun

If someone is talking rowlocks, it's best not to stick your oar in. #Lunchpun

I've set up a hospital for stray cats under canvas, which is a kind of vets to all in tents and poor pusses. #Lunchpun

The climbers on my Everest expedition were split up into three gangs. Lots of people wanted to be in Gang Red and Gang Blue, not so many in Gang Green. #Lunchpun

Every time I watch King Kong, I'm terrified he's going to plummet to the ground and squash loads of people. Ape will fall? No, I'm genuinely terrified. #Lunchpun

I've finally come to the conclusion that wearing deodorant is beneficial for everyone that meets me. Eureka! Not any more! #Lunchpun

I'm in the Elmdale Township looking to play the new fast paced racket sport, but I can't seem to find a court. Looks like I'm up Schitt's Creek without a padel. #Lunchpun

There appears to be some charred remains of an evil monster in my meal. Ghoul ash? No, beef stroganoff. #Lunchpun

My mate insists on leaving his clothes in a damp wardrobe, and they're beginning to smell. Musty? Yes, I'm afraid he must. #Lunchpun

When I was the boss at an engine manufacturer we had to lay a lot of workers off. I was firing on all cylinders. #Lunchpun

This freezing cold jelly is giving me the chivers. #Lunchpun

Quite a few football stadiums have hotels onsite, like this one. Stadia. No, not at this one. #Lunchpun

Trump is such a terrible President, I mean, he hasn't exactly set the world alight... #Lunchpun

I don't like alloumi, afod or arzer, and that's why I like to drop my hate cheese. #Lunchpun

I'm not a fan of these new ads for prosthetic arms and legs, just a bit too sublimbinal. #Lunchpun

The chiefs at the BBC have called for the likes of Corbett and Barker to revive their comedy scene. More Rons? They're not the brightest, no. #Lunchpun

When I was at med school, my tutor accidentally tried to draw blood from an artery, so I continued in a similar vein. #Lunchpun

What noise does my dog make when it gets on a ship? Umm, barks? Oh ok, what noise does my dog make when it embarks on a ship? #Lunchpun

After I finally admitted to standing on the tube of toothpaste, my wife said "Oh, it's all coming out now". #Lunchpun

My wife has told me I need to get fitter, so I've started secretly going up into the loft to lift a heavy trunk. Attic box exercise? No, I really mean it this time. #Lunchpun

I was casually discussing the careers of Ronnie Corbett and Danny DeVito with my colleague when my boss came along and said enough of this small talk. #Lunchpun

My innovative pneumatic drill design is ground breaking. #Lunchpun

It was pouring with rain, and Johnny Nash was struggling to cross a beach infested with langoustine. When it stopped, he said... "I can see clearly now the rain has gone, I can see all lobster claws in my way." #Lunchpun

I've a horrible feeling our upcoming camping trip is going to be a disaster. Portent? Yes, it leaks when it rains. #Lunchpun

My workmate has failed to turn up again today, I don't think he can sink much further. Nadir? No, he's definitely not here. #Lunchpun

I've just seen a picture of Elvis smoking a cigar. Castella? No, Presley. #Lunchpun

David Beckham is considering what to do with Brooklyn as he flies him back from the US. Jet his son? Probably not that drastic. #Lunchpun

I'm watching a film about a German U-Boat but I've no idea what it's called because there are no subtitles. #Lunchpun

They fired the waiter who poured gravy onto my sweet. I think he got his jus desserts. #Lunchpun

One more routine at the gym and then I'm off to the Doctors' Annual Dinner and Dance. Medicine Ball? No, weights. #LunchPun