I've just seen a picture of Elvis smoking a cigar. Castella? No, Presley. #Lunchpun

David Beckham is considering what to do with Brooklyn as he flies him back from the US. Jet his son? Probably not that drastic. #Lunchpun

I'm watching a film about a German U-Boat but I've no idea what it's called because there are no subtitles. #Lunchpun

They fired the waiter who poured gravy onto my sweet. I think he got his jus desserts. #Lunchpun

One more routine at the gym and then I'm off to the Doctors' Annual Dinner and Dance. Medicine Ball? No, weights. #LunchPun

You'll never guess who I bumped into at Specsavers! Everybody? 🙄 No, an old school friend I hadn't seen in 40 years. #Lunchpun

In the early 90's, Dawn French was given the choice to become vicar of my local village. Audibly? No, via email I think. #Lunchpun

I've just put a non-refundable deposit down on a new hammock. There's no getting out of it now. #Lunchpun

#LunchPun I was talking to a friend yesterday who accidentally sent naked pictures of himself to all his contacts on Instagram. Not only was it embarrassing, but it cost him a fortune in stamps.

My mate was taunting me about the noise my doorbell made. Goading? Yeah, then dong. #Lunchpun

My sister Lila said she knew all the words to The Boxer, but she clearly doesn't. Lila lied? Lila lied lied, Lila lied, lie lie lie lie lied. #Lunchpun

My wife tried to convince me that she'd been playing golf all day, but there are so many holes in her story. #Lunchpun

They wouldn't let me join their singing group because they rock choir a good voice. #Lunchpun

My friend was so talented, she could play large stringed instruments using her arm as a bow, while drinking Italian licquers. Limb on cello? No, Disaronno. #lunchpun

Oh no, the garnish in my egg sandwich has dropped onto the floor. Cress fallen? I'm pretty upset, yes. #LunchPun

I fear I may have misunderstood the meaning of "Current Streak" whilst doing Wordle in the library. #LunchPun

We're going round to Sid and Katie's for dinner tonight, although I'm convinced they're Russian agents. Kate and Sidney spy? No, I think we're having lasagne. #LunchPun

I've just started a new job and I want to go on vacation but I'm not sure if I've earned enough leave. Accrued holiday? Oh no, it's just a normal one with the family. #Lunchpun

We've only got one version of Paintbrush in our house and it's tearing our family app art. #Lunchpun

My mermaid fiancée has called off our engagement because she doesn't want to get tide down. #Lunchpun

My west country friends have just opened a French themed cafe. Do they put the accent on? Only over the e. #Lunchpun

Harry " What's that material called that's washed up on the beach when the tide is high?" Me " That's debris Harry" #LunchPun

I'm going to blow all my kid's inheritance by having a massive party and really let my heir down. #Lunchpun

I've heard sheepdogs are hard to come-bye these days. #LunchPun

I'm going to see the Muppet Show in Bahrain tonight. In Manama? Doo doo do do do. #Lunchpun

Sorry I'm late Doctor, it's a bit foggy out. Now, how was my urine sample? Pee? Super. No, it's just starting to lift. #Lunchpun #Ratemypun

My home-made cottage pie has turned out to be rather large. I think I may have added too many cottages. #Lunchpun #Ratemypun

There's no way I'm leaving this buffet vol-au-vontarily. #Lunchpun #Ratemypun

Losing all this weight was a struggle at first, but now I'm beginning to find my feet. #LunchPun #RateMyPun

I've got a new job improving the mood of offshore oil workers. Rig morale? It can be a bit of a pain getting there, yes. #LunchPun #RateMyPun

I've been down in Surrey making an ancient honey based wine, but its come out too thin. Runny mead? No, Egham. #LunchPun #RateMyPun

My deepest, deepest desire in life is to marry Anna Trench. #LunchPun #RateMyPun

I'm up in court for allegedly making someone deaf. The hearing is today. #Lunchpun #RateMyPun

I traced my family tree right back to Aladdin, thanks to a genieology website. #LunchPun

I had to get to hospital after being spiked by a piece of tropical grass with a hard, hollow stem. Bamboo lance? No, I drove up there myself. #Lunchpun #RateMyPun

After playing five-a-side football, we'd go down to the local south east Asian restaurant for a beer or two. There were never any winners however, as every game ended in a Thai. #Lunchpun #Ratemypun

I can see Nick Lowe standing next to a board advertising cheap porridge for the homeless. Gruel to be kind? Yeah, it's a very good sign. #LunchPun #RateMyPun

I can't decide whether to use ice crystals or a branded product for my skincare. It's snow or Nivea? Well, it's not that urgent. #Lunchpun #ratemypun

When we were looking for an au pair, my wife said google it. Two hours later she found me staring at the screen. Turns out I had go-ogled it. #Lunchpun #Ratemypun

My grandad worked with the French Freedom Fighters in WWII, and he'd always add a little extra note to their communiqués. He said it was the P.S. de resistance. #Lunchpun #Ratemypun

While Dire Straits undoubtedly sang Money for Nothing, its unlikely that Pink Floyd ever did. #Lunchpun #RateMyPun

At work, when the temperature reaches a high level we have to take a break. Hiatus? No, it has to get to 90. #Lunchpun #Ratemypun

I've just gone online and bought some cream for my spots, without having to see the doctor. App ointment? No, I didn't have to see the doctor. #Lunchpun #RateMyPun

Anyone who thinks Maduro is going to get a fair trial must be caracas. #Lunchpun #Ratemypun

I was looking forward to opening the box when the transplant courier arrived but I gave up because my heart wasn't in it. #Lunchpun

I bumped into Mr Orange from Reservoir Dogs in the fruit section down at the Asda, and he dropped a punnet on the floor. They were the grapes of Roth. #Lunchpun

This new year's eve I will be eating some out of date shellfish and singing a few songs. Four old langoustine? Yes, definitely singing that one. #Lunchpun

Back in the eighties, I used to go to church, kneel down, put my hands together and ask Madonna to send me one of her hit singles. Like a prayer? No, Like a Virgin. #Lunchpun

My new car has a heated steering wheel but only if your hands are in the right place. At ten to two? No, it works all day. #Lunchpun

As she left on the train, I waved goodbye to my girlfriend, but she awkwardly continued for a good 10 seconds after I'd stopped. Clearly, we're not on the same wavelength. #LunchPun