While Dire Straits undoubtedly sang Money for Nothing, its unlikely that Pink Floyd ever did. #Lunchpun #RateMyPun

At work, when the temperature reaches a high level we have to take a break. Hiatus? No, it has to get to 90. #Lunchpun #Ratemypun

I've just gone online and bought some cream for my spots, without having to see the doctor. App ointment? No, I didn't have to see the doctor. #Lunchpun #RateMyPun

Anyone who thinks Maduro is going to get a fair trial must be caracas. #Lunchpun #Ratemypun

I was looking forward to opening the box when the transplant courier arrived but I gave up because my heart wasn't in it. #Lunchpun

I bumped into Mr Orange from Reservoir Dogs in the fruit section down at the Asda, and he dropped a punnet on the floor. They were the grapes of Roth. #Lunchpun

This new year's eve I will be eating some out of date shellfish and singing a few songs. Four old langoustine? Yes, definitely singing that one. #Lunchpun

Back in the eighties, I used to go to church, kneel down, put my hands together and ask Madonna to send me one of her hit singles. Like a prayer? No, Like a Virgin. #Lunchpun

My new car has a heated steering wheel but only if your hands are in the right place. At ten to two? No, it works all day. #Lunchpun

As she left on the train, I waved goodbye to my girlfriend, but she awkwardly continued for a good 10 seconds after I'd stopped. Clearly, we're not on the same wavelength. #LunchPun

I asked my chimney sweep to make sure it was clear for Santa, but he's come down with the flue. #Lunchpun

When people stop me in the street and ask me why I'm carrying a prosthetic lower limb, I say I won it playing darts. #Lunchpun

I wonder what's going to be in this Christmas cracker? Pull it, surprise! An award for excellence in journalism and arts? I don't think so! #Lunchpun

I didn't have a clue what I was doing when I booked my first online flight, so when I booked a separate seat for the case carrying my underwear, I was flying by the seat of my pants. #Lunchpun

I got a wonderful send off when I left my job at the Indian car factory. Tata? Oh, way better than that. #Lunchpun

How much Worcestershire Sauce should I put in your tomato juice? Just add a dash. Ok, how much Worcestershire-Sauce should I put in your tomato juice? #LunchPun

My hat's been contaminated by a deadly virus. Ebola? No, it's a beret. #lunchpun

This new bug going around will probably finish off all the expendable people, including you and me. Superflu? Us? Expendable, superfluous, whatever. #Lunchpun

I'm looking to buy this new baize for my snooker table, but I'm a bit short of cash. Can you put it on my slate? #Lunchpun

I'm really organised this Christmas, having bought every present from the same website. All Etsy? No, I'm really organised. #Lunchpun

Although everyone is blaming me, it's not my fault I crashed this double-decker. That king's chair was right in the middle of the road. Throne under the bus? I think I have been to some extent, yes. #Lunchpun

My daughter was so impressed with Trump, winning the very first FIFA peace prize. In awe girl? First, inaugural, whatever. #Lunchpun

My hairdresser is offering 20% off, but I'm thinking of shaving it all off. #Lunchpun

There's this crazy guy brandishing a couple of samurai weapons outside a well known London tourist attraction. He's clearly not a pro. Mad Am, two swords? No, The London Eye. #Lunchpun

Friends tell me I'll get nowhere dating the local phantom, but I'm not going to give up the ghost. #Lunchpun

My wife is questioning why I'm taking our microwave meal into every room in the house, but it says 'pierce film lid in several places'. #Lunchpun

There's a place in Scotland where it is really difficult to get your car to stop... ...In Ayrshire. #LunchPun

I've drawn Norm in the office Secret Santa so I'm going to buy him a Tom Waits CD. Tom Waits for Norman? I know, but it's only December 1st. #Lunchpun

A few years ago I went to see Morecambe but wasn't enamoured. I did likewise. #Lunchpun

During the war, my Nan broke up with her Spitfire pilot boyfriend as he kept telling her to put her chocs away. #Lunchpun

I was on a date last night and we were discussing that age-old question. Well actually she said, "exactly how old did you say you were?" #Lunchpun

After an embarrassing clothing mishap at the top of the ski run, I was asked to make my descent. #Lunchpun

A rock group has donated enough money to buy some F-16 jets for Ukraine. Few fighters? No, Kings of Leon #Lunchpun

This just in! My donkey has been crowned world champion at hee-hawing. More bray king news as we get it! #Lunchpun

My alarm keeps going off, and I've no idea where it goes. #Lunchpun

My dentist couldn't understand it when I told him my favourite singer was Gagy Gaga. #Lunchpun

When I'm in France, I never eat jamais dodgers. #Lunchpun

I've got a date tonight with a wicketkeeper. She'll be a good catch. #Lunchpun

I picked up a nice pair of boxers in Next, although what they were doing fighting in the store is anyone's guess. #Lunchpun

Couldn't decide who was going to go first in the painting competition so I drew the short straw. #Lunchpun

One of the Pythons introduced their son onto stage for his first stand up show last night. Palin compère his son? He wasn't a patch on his dad, no. #LunchPun

- This takeaway is REALLY salty and spicy! - Savoury? - OK, this takeaway is VERY salty and spicy! #LunchPun

One of the "I'm a celebrity" hosts has been bitten on the hand by a poisonous snake. In Dec's finger? No, in his thumb. #Lunchpun

I was playing golf with Tom Cruise in the late 90s and there was a pretty spectacular view from one tee. Scenic hole? No, they were going through a bad patch at the time. #Lunchpun

I've just conducted a poll on which way the next election is going to go. Voting intent? No, they usually do it in a little booth. #Lunchpun

My mate was a terrible spy. He had some baked beans just before bedtime and blew his cover. #Lunchpun

The noise at the tattoo parlour was ear piercing #LunchPun

I'm meeting up with a girl down at the lagoon, but I didn't catch her name. I think she said she's Rowena Boat. #Lunchpun

I saw Sade yesterday in the ink studio, she was giving me, she was giving me the sweetest tattoo. #Lunchpun

Rumours that Johnson & Johnson are opening a new factory nearby is the talc of the town. #Lunchpun