I'm going to a pie eating contest and banquet in Hampshire, and I'm going to win. Andover feast? No, I think it will be close. #Lunchpun

I can't remember why I keep cerebrum neatly stored in jars on shelves in my laboratory. I'm just racking my brains. #Lunchpun

I've invented a new clock which has zero as an extra hour. Currently, it's second to none. #Lunchpun

I'm starting a group for people who are allergic to knitted jumpers. Are you with me? No, I'm with the wool itch. #Lunchpun #oneforthekids

I was driving in Egypt when some guy beeped at me and dropped his trousers and stuck his bum against the window. Toot and car moon? No, it definitely wasn't him. #Lunchpun

I hurt my leg stretching for the magazines on the top shelf. Poor knee? So what if they were? #Lunchpun

Back in the 80's we went looking for that missing horse and thought we'd found it. We were close, but no Shergar. #Lunchpun

My brother goes to every Football World Cup and used to bring back just enough alcohol to get me a little drunk but, but 4 years ago I was actually left Qatar tonic #LunchPun

The quote from the garage to fix my car is way more than I'd expected. Is it broken down at all? Yes, that's why it's in the garage. #Lunchpun

If England has to deal with the high press at the world cup, they should ban the journalists from smoking pot. #Lunchpun

Bob Geldof had a clause in the Live Aid contract that compelled Ultravox to appear at Wembley. Force Midge Ure? No, that's something to do with Acts of God. #Lunchpun

Police are searching for someone who is removing road signs and causing accidents. They say the culprit is doing everything he can to avoid capture by pulling out all the stops. #Lunchpun

Working in a factory making chocolate bars with crunchy peanuts, crispy wafer, puffed rice, chewy caramel, and sweet raisins is no picnic, I can tell you. #Lunchpun

I accidentally printed a thousand portrait pictures off in Boots, and now my heads all the shop. #Lunchpun

My American friend is only 3' 6" tall and models himself on Donald Trump. He's a magalowmaniac. #Lunchpun

I was having an intelligent, well informed conversation about soft French cheese with Rick Astley. He said, "you know the roules, and so do I". #Lunchpun

I'm not sure about your idea of a Microsoft program exchange, but I'll take your word for it. #Lunchpun

I have two shows in Derby @ramcomedyfest.bsky.social at The Royal Standard, Derwent Street, this Saturday, 30th May: It Just So Happened (history-themed panel show) at 2pm Tickets: bit.ly/4bqW46U Gold Fashioned Jokes (light-hearted one-liners) at 5pm Tickets: bit.ly/4q9y3Fc Hope to see you there!

I told them I couldn’t hear the sea when I held up a shell. The police refused to take that into consideration when they arrested me on the forecourt. #LunchPun

How would you describe the feel of this pineapple? Texture. Can't you just tell me? #Lunchpun

Dr Spooner lost his watch at the fancy dress party & couldn’t find it in spite of searching every crook & nanny. #LunchPun

When my grandad was a chef, he used to make spaghetti mixed with protein shakes. Pasta whey? Oh yeah, thankfully. #Lunchpun

Middlesborough will be wearing red tomorrow, now all the commotion and chaos has died down. Hullabaloo? No, they'll be in their black kit with amber stripes. #Lunchpun

So when you say you righted the ship, you actually meant you sailed straight into the starboard side of my boat. #Lunchpun

When my wife and I took one of those colour personality tests, I was blue and she was yellow. Unsurprisingly, we had a green baby. #Lunchpun

While my fellow mountaineers are asleep, I have a sneaky peak. #Lunchpun

If you play golf in France, a bogey is a faux par. #Lunchpun

As I get older, I'm less someone who gets the bit between their teeth and more someone who gets bits between their teeth #LunchPun

Google maps is telling me the quickest way to gain access to my castle is to take the moat away. #Lunchpun

Great new lads, we've won the competition to sing Stayin' Alive on the remake of Saturday Night Fever. Bee Gees? Us? I know, I can't believe it either. #Lunchpun

At the Badminton Horse Trials this year, each one was found guilty of eating all the shuttlecocks. #Lunchpun

I didn't think it would be, but me dishing out the cards when we play poker is ideal. #Lunchpun

I was surprised by the price of refreshments when I visited Niagara Falls, but I guess they've got you over a barrel. #Lunchpun

I used to be terrible at DIY until I contracted leprosy and now I'll throw my hand at anything. #Lunchpun

Watts this number on the light bulb? #LunchPun

My home made gin is taking forever. Maybe I shouldn't have put it in the sloe cooker. #Lunchpun

I just want to scream and shout and get rid of this Labour leader. Blare out? No, he was ages ago. #Lunchpun

My friend Rita has developed a new scent and has asked me to suggest a good name. I said Eau de Rita will be a shoo in. #Lunchpun

I've found that the grass at the summit of Everest is manageable, if you keep on top of it. #Lunchpun

My snooker playing friend from Birmingham always has his hand a long way from the cue ball. Long bridge? No, Selly Oak. #Lunchpun

If you're going to slag off a Greek Island, please be diss crete. #Lunchpun

Stuffed animals with long necks make excellent giraffe excluders. #Lunchpun

My local Spanish arena was quickly demolished while the bull dozed. #Lunchpun

I'm at Land's End, trying out the locals' famous anise flavoured spirit, and to be honest, I don't know what all the fuss is about Cornish Pastis. #Lunchpun

One's attempt to exorcise the ghost from one's castle has failed. It's back to scare one, I'm afraid. #Lunchpun

I prefer food that isn't sweet. Savoury? Oh, I prefer food that isn't very sweet. #Lunchpun

I heard that the government has deployed the army to the railways in a West London district. At Acton stations? No, I think they're just on manoeuvres. #Lunchpun

I take offence when people mispronounce the crossing spanning the Humber. Umbrage? Don't you start. #Lunchpun

My cunning plan to build one bed on top of another has been debunked. #Lunchpun

I have published a giant compundium of jokes! It contains jokes from my previous mini books, plus hundreds more (about 900 in total). Available on Kindle or in hard copy versions... amzn.eu/d/05cmv8LU Please share if you'd be so kind...