Me high as fuck in your backseat cueing up 45 minutes of Whose Lines best ofs: gimme the aux

I will be keeping track of every piece of media I consume in 2026 as one giant thread

“New year new Me” I say as I throw myself down a flight of stairs giving me irreparable brain damage

If I was Master Splinter I would’ve named them Jerry, George, Elaine, and Kramer

I’m already listening to Christmas music because Mariah Carey never wrote a thanksgiving fuck jam

Welcome to my haunted house. They say years ago, in this very spot where you're standing, my father's hopes and dream for me died. If you listen closely, you can hear them say "Law School is still an optiooooooon"

“Do you mind if I turn on some music?” “Sure” *turns on MARIO KART WORLD EVERY SPOOKY SONG PLAYLIST*

It is time again to post about @podzooky.bsky.social, my podcast about Kaiju media and silly discussions of such things. It's spooky season so we had on returning champ @jamiecarbone.bsky.social to talk about Sector 7 and lifting the Power Rangers Turbo Movie ban podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/p...

Her: I need a real eater Me thinking about that time I got kicked out of a Chinese buffet: hey

Ghosting is for cowards I need you to be brutally honest about what you don’t like about me

Person who has diarrhea at a rate unheard of in modern science so they rename it after them

Guy who constantly says “big things coming” but he just means his impending divorce

Me in the criterion closet: y’all got I, Robot?

Juno ruined how a whole generation of white people talked

Nice joke you wrote there, be a shame if I took it completely seriously

The five literary conflicts: - Man vs Man - Man vs Self - Man Vs Nature - Man vs Food - The Monstars have stolen the powers of famous NBA players and Michael Jordan has to stop them

Nurse: Are you ready for your circumcision? Your doctor is almost here Me: Yes *mr bean enters* Me: oh no

I gave him a Meyers Briggs test and Tony Hawk got Extra Vert

Her: Tell me what you’re into Me: Being paid a livable wage Her: No like…what’s something that specifically pleases you? Me: Cheap rent?

My dad: Hey when you keep texting “I want to get Challengers’d this summer” in the family group chat, what does that mean? Me high as fuck in the burnt down k-mart parking lot: what

*getting on one knee outside the Taco Bell* these last three weeks have been a Baja blast

As a child I thought the Sonic the hedgehog drowning music was the most stressful thing I’d ever encounter and then I learned about the US healthcare system

Trump and Elon’s fight will end the same way the two white trash guys in my home town’s fight ended: unrelated drug overdoses

Take that, rewind it back, Usher got the voice to make your mom leave your dad

Someone at work just said “whatever happened to Sully Sullenberge?” And someone else said “the blue guy from Monsters inc.?”

Sorry gays the only “pride” I have is the pride in doing a good job at fucking men

I’m not ready for my parents to die, I am ready to stop being their tech support

Playing an April fool’s prank on my job by actually doing my work today

*bursting into a room at a party where everyone is doing cocaine* hey man do you recycle cans?

Get me to God’s country

‘I Messed Up At Work Again,’ Crestfallen Michael Waltz Texts Wife, National Geographic Editorial Staff

the thing that democrats should absolutely have learned from trump by now is the power of a mean nickname. anytime hegseth is in a room they should be calling him petey secrets. hey petey secrets, invite any journalists into your war planning group chat lately? haha he loves it, this guy's crazy.

Star Wars but Richard Kind is C-PO tm tm tm copyright tm

I showed you my manga collection plz rspnd

Person who listens to the goo goo dolls and says things like “these white boys really got somethin!”

Ditch your Echo.

When I say I got that dog in me I mean this dog specifically

Almost failed geometry in the tenth grade because I spent all day designing and writing fanfiction starring my friends

Crashing out + Locked In = Locked out where the fuck are my keys

Amelia Bedelia (1963) Thank You, Amelia Bedelia (1964) Amelia Bedelia and the Surprise Shower (1966) Come Back, Amelia Bedelia (1971) Amelia Bedelia: Tokyo Drift (1972)

Me: Do you like Wendy’s? George W Bush: Wendy’s? Me: Yeah when deez nuts hit the second tower George W Bush: hahaha I can’t believe I fell for that again. Hey Jamie? Me: Yeah George W Bush: You’re my best friend. Me: I know George.

I love dune so much every pet I have has been named Duncan Idaho

Thinking about getting merch made for all my fellow Severance heads

*sopranos theme voice* Woke up this mornin Watched myself some Scrubs

If Adrien Brody can use AI to make his performance better and win an Oscar we should let everyone in sports use steroids

God I wish I wasn’t an alcoholic because I’d sell my soul to be hammered at a baseball game

Should’ve let me make gladiator 2