Trump Administration To Mitigate Airport Security Stress With An Army Of Unstable Armed Virgin Masked Vigilantes

It's that time of year to play: "Is the screeching a wild turkey or EarthLink's lightning fast 56k modem?"

We regret the premature release of our Donald J Trump memorial phone

Tariffs? What tariffs?! EarthLink's 56 kbps modems are made in the USA 🇺🇸 "Dialup is the future™️"

The Pentagon uses EarthLink's secure "No One Knows We're Still In Business®" app. You should too.

We've been forced to cancel this weekend's performance of "Cabaret" by "Chimps In Drag" and the "Meerkat Vogue Dancing Revue."

Sure, our download speeds were inflated, but we've moved offices to El Salvador so we can instruct judges and plaintiffs to "download this." 🇺🇸 🔥

DOGE came for our computer files and we reluctantly turned over the punch cards.

EarthLink was voted #1 in security by Internet World Magazine and we’ve never been hacked. All your billing info is written on Post-it notes.

We’re sorry if our 24 hr chatbot threatened you. It used to work for Verizon.

Other services may be faster, cheaper, and more reliable, but we’ll never sell your information to China. We’ve been blocked from international banking.

Many of you asked if tariffs will affect EarthLink’s lighting fast dialup service. No. We only use copper wire and modems made in the USA. 🇺🇸 “𝙏𝙝𝙚 𝙨𝙘𝙧𝙚𝙚𝙘𝙝𝙞𝙣𝙜 𝙨𝙤𝙪𝙣𝙙𝙨 𝙡𝙞𝙠𝙚 𝙛𝙧𝙚𝙚𝙙𝙤𝙢.”™️

Some EarthLink customers complained and asked if we could make our screeching modems less jarring. The answer is no. But many of you have complimented our new hold music. It’s Burt Bacharach.

If you feel the world’s moving too fast, slow it down with EarthLink. We’re dusting off our old 14.4 kbit/s modems. Walk outside. Touch grass. Your newsfeed will load so slowly, you’ll lose interest. Go sniff a flower.

Zip Line Adventure™️ is temporarily closed as we raise it another 15 ft over the giraffe enclosure.

Carol used the interns to gain access to the vending machines and replaced all the good snacks with Kirkland candies.

If you’re worried the government is spying on you, switch to EarthLink. They’ve forgotten we exist.

Weasels don’t actually go “pop.” We ran one over with our maintenance cart.

𝗨𝗣𝗗𝗔𝗧𝗘 𝗙𝗥𝗢𝗠 𝗘𝗔𝗥𝗧𝗛𝗟𝗜𝗡𝗞 𝗟𝗘𝗚𝗔𝗟 It might feel like the world is ending, but that doesn’t opt you out of our long term contracts.

Earthlink customers have asked if they can stream the Inauguration with our lightning fast dial up modems. No. That's what your TV is for. Stop embarrassing yourselves.

Our technology isn’t archaic, we use artisanal, small batch internet.

We apologize to everyone who stopped by our open house and found the gates locked. It was a simple misunderstanding with our landlord who’s promised to give us till Monday morning.

Kyle was fired for replying “EarthLink goes down more than Troy’s mom” in the group chat, but to be fair we’ve had problems with DSL connectivity and Troy’s mom’s does go down a lot.

Nobody ever talks about the Cybertrucks that don’t explode in our parking lot.

Big EarthLink welcome to Joe. Make sure to check your Mac operating system. We’re currently compatible with OS 9.

Subscriber Mailbag: Q) How is EarthLink protected against cyber attacks? -Anne, Bucket City Nevada A) Thanks Anne. We’re protected by our culture. None of our subscribers are interesting and all they can afford is dialup.

It’s our favorite time of year when everyone in the office calls Carol “Christmas Carol” and she hisses like a rattlesnake. She put a door on her cube. Did you know you could put a door on a cube?

It’s time for the holidays. It’s time for family and friends. It’s that time of year when everything slows down and people appreciate our 56k modem. Merry Christmas ☎️ 𝙀𝙖𝙧𝙩𝙝𝙇𝙞𝙣𝙠™️ 𝙏𝙝𝙚 𝙨𝙡𝙤𝙬 𝙡𝙖𝙣𝙚 𝙤𝙛 𝙩𝙝𝙚 𝙞𝙣𝙛𝙤𝙧𝙢𝙖𝙩𝙞𝙤𝙣 𝙝𝙞𝙜𝙝𝙬𝙖𝙮.

Service Update: The Spaminator™️ is still broken, but if anyone offers you more than 10 free MB’s, it’s spam!

At EarthLink, we don’t sell your personal information. We tried, but nobody wants it.

A subscriber asked if EarthLink text messaging is encrypted. Encrypted?! Climb off your throne, your majesty. The font on your Jitterbug phones is so big everyone can read your texts.

EarthLink IT Dept: Internal Memo The rattling noise we heard all day has been fixed. Carol confessed to removing the popcorn bag that was leveling the server’s legs. Also we’re out of popcorn.

EarthLink remains unaffected as hackers were unable to bypass our Norton AntiVirus protection.

*Important Message From Earthlink* You can’t quit us. We know where you live.

Carol thinks she’s qualified to be Transportation Secretary because she squeezed her Land Cruiser into a compact spot.

We’ve had better fights in the break room.

All these “Invalid Handles” are a byproduct of tremendous growth. At EarthLink, we understand growth. We’re now the number one provider of DSL services at senior centers* *test market data limited to AZ high desert and Inland Empire Leisure Worlds.

EarthLink wants to thank everyone who came out and helped make our Feng Shui blessing ceremony a success. We were able to remove the negative energy from our workplace (we moved Carol’s desk next to the fire doors and replaced her space with the vending machines)

Subscriber Mailbag: Q) Is it possible to opt out of the Friends & Family plan?? A) We’re been asked this question a lot this week and we don’t care who your friends and family voted for. The answer is still no!

Please stop checking the updated time with our 24/7 text chat. It’s just Carol pretending to be a bot.

Someone dropped baloney slices into the suggestion box and it took us weeks to find the smell cause we don’t check the suggestion box.

Election week tension turned ugly in the office today. We had to separate Carol and Lorraine after Carol hurled granola bars at Lorraine and Lorraine bit into one and said it tasted like Carol’s husband’s nuts.

Some subscribers have complained about network slowdowns during the peak 4pm dinner hour. You shouldn’t be on your phones anyway. The host would like your coupons and the buffet shuts down in an hour.

The Harris campaign contacted us about Kamala handling customer service as a PR bit, but Carol is the only one with the system PIN code and she doesn’t shut up about RFK Jr.

Here at Earthlink, we now have more Bluesky followers than subscribers, and our CFO would like to know how that helps our bottom line (it doesn’t)