America's only saving grace is that he's extremely old and unhealthy.

My therapist suggested I use ChatGPT to sort my thoughts and it's like, okay but that's why I pay YOU

My homegirl took her house off the market and immediately started getting hit up by other realtors like, I see they couldn't get it done...

My wife went to get a tune up and came back with a $1500 estimate

I remember one of my childhood friends had this phase when he would just wear baggy ass sweats everyday (this well before the jogger/tracksuit era), one day I just had to ask, yo you good bro? And he was like, why am I getting dressed I'm just outside with y'all Touche, my nigga.

My wife saying she hates people who weave in and out of traffic unnecessarily

You order a bottomless drink and you'll never see that waiter again

BlueSky got the worst gif selection

When shorty on Don't Your Worry Baby said, we can carpool, come at the same time

Don't tap that glass Don't tap that glass Don't tap that glass Don't tap that glass

Solange on Cranes In The Sky:

So Bluey mama don't ever got them kids

The thing about having a chronically offline spouse is I get to tell the CEO/Coldplay story for the first time

Crispy and well seasoned🤌🏿

Another good way to get me to stop watching a show is to give a character an arc where they start making music

I think it was around the time Jemma got pregnant that I realized I ain't gotta do this no more

You just gotta miss an episode, then another, then tell yourself you'll binge when the season ends, then another season passes and one day, you're free

When me and my wife were dating, I took solo trips all the time, leaving her with a toddler for a week would be one of those things that comes up in marriage counseling 10 years from now

My pops gifted me a vacation certificate and I feel like he lowkey set me up...vacation with a wife and small child is a chore

I wanna be one of those people that finds a hotel brand and locks in. Actually get free nights and shit

Chains and Whips and No Church in the Wild are cousins on they daddy's side

But nah like, Trump got MAD pictures with Epstein

Why I miss the goal line entirely 🤦🏿‍♂️

I stopped drinking milk after the bottle, wasn't even all these alternatives back in the day so I just thugged it out

"The Birds Don't Sing" is a beautiful song, but I been starting the album from Chains and Whips after the first few spins

I can't find that loser ass post about not letting Clipse make you forget your day job but when I see it, I'm on your ass

"Some signed checks I know better than"

Don't The-Dream got a weird case, why was he around

🗣️ YELLOW DIAMONDS LOOK LIKE PEE PEE

Hearing Swag Surf at parties now

The first errand after a haircut should be a shower, barber capes are disgusting

We back up

All rise?

If Target asked to have a consultation (for a fee of course) to try and win niggas back, you going?

Calling all the King's horses and all the King's men, trying to get niggas to forgive them again

Just cuz the foil crinkled don't mean it ain't good eats under there

I've seen people go from "make me a third 😍" to "fuck you and your ugly ass wife" over on the bird. No church in the wild.

I'm more open on here cuz it's a much smaller circle of my folk. On that other app?

She be going in with her 2 and a possible teeth

Being able to laugh during sex *and keep going* is wonderful.

He reminds me of The Game. Objectively talented at his craft, But his antics/personality distract from the music and turn listeners off.

My meat thermometer stuck on Celsius and it be fucking me up...70° chicken don't even hit the ear right

Niggas at the cookout threw on R. Kelly and scared the hoes. It's me, I'm hoes

When I moved to this city, they announced they was opening a Black business district and breaking ground on a new soccer stadium. Alas in 2025, all the Black businesses are basically dead but now it gets to be additional parking for the soccer stadium.

It's not a dad bod, it's a father figure #BlackSkyFitness

They need to give it up, had about enough

MCU Ironheart reminds me of the early Miles Morales comics where you had to keep reading just to see if he would keep making shit worse Like RiRi, girl...

One thing bout me, I'ma cop some roses

Work, kids, being nosy in your neighborhood

Where did this small child come from, where is my little baby 🥹