handsome linc really lived up to the name. threw his rider before the gate, sprinted out front like a legend, then casually coasted into 2nd to last. true linc behavior

guy who spends the entire day at work watching “best practices” videos for every project and unironically believes that is a best practice

my big fat greek yogurt parfait

just once i wish the bros would ask where i got my cute top the way the girlies hype each other up. let me have my moment fellas

i have gained 5k followers in a month by doing nothing but complaining about getting bot followers

this place is filled with more bots than twitter

what’s stopping gov newsom from calling in the national guard to protect protestors from the marines? someone check americas instruction manual

would be nice if someone could explain bluesky and why you randomly get 2k followers who don't interact with anything you post

whatever happened to movies being 90 minutes? now avg runtime is basically doubled. aint nobody got time for that

if the amount of hotdog you eat this weekend is under 100 did you even celebrate memorial day weekend?

was in a homebuyers class and the guy told us not to buy Dunkin but make coffee at home

I am going to hashtag the fk out of this bitch I’m sorry but none of my followers watch my vids so perhaps the hashtag friends will. If not I’m simply cooked on this app and I will accept my demise with grace #rant #musicindustry #singersongwriter #newmusic

he died tragically in a car accident doing what he loved; using the easy apply button on LinkedIn and getting instantly rejected for jobs

the average American has three friends

happy weekend, everyone. time to do crimes

2025 feels like a live experiment where the rich are just seeing how far they can push it while the rest of us watch from the nosebleeds

when two coworkers are loudly discussing a problem i could fix in 30 seconds but refuse to ask me directly and just keep waiting for me to chime in:

adding things to my portfolio feels like curating a museum of personal disappointment. “here’s something i made. please don’t look at it too closely"

"he's playing chess, not checkers" no bro, he's playing golf

this war is being waged at universities, but we knew that already. if the democratic political party will actively do nothing to stop the machine, then universities need to protect their people at all costs. abandon the pretence that playing nice gets leniency, and shield your communities ffs

food allergies are so weird. “okay body we just had a delicious meal, what should we do next?” and it's like “throw up”

handing in my resignation like

why they so sweaty

watching everyone constantly repost the same 20 things from the same 5 accounts like it’s a group project is exactly why i joined bluesky

the crowd is in complete silence as i pull out a floppy hotdog, dip it in some mustard, and begin conducting the boston symphony orchestra

crazy how politicians yell at their constituents to stand up against tyranny like that isn't literally the job we elected them to do

"you're so quiet" i have a tummy ache and want to go home

why is being called a chicken an insult? you know what the chicken did? it crossed the fuckin’ road. no hesitation. no second guessing. just pure unshakable determination. it knew the risks and went for it anyway. that’s not cowardice that’s legendary

john hammond: we’ve replaced the missing dna with that of a frog velociraptor: hi-ho, kermit the dinosaur here! [proceeds to play the banjo and cause absolute chaos]

my biggest mistake was getting on simstok. now every other vid is someone building a masterpiece with 5000 mods installed and i can't look away

you just don’t see men gladiator fighting to the death like they used to

legends say that the sound of heaven’s gates opening is just a perfectly crisp pssst from cracking open a can of ginger ale

how i get through working in an office

being inactive on twitter for months, then accidentally posting there instead of here and instantly going viral has me convinced their algorithm is just a desperate ex trying to lure inactive users back

threw some eggs in the soil before the crisis and now my plan for infinite egg is nearly unstoppable. look who's laughing now. me. i am laughing

goofy has a black belt in karate and is master of the nun-hyucks

aragorn: you have my sword legolas: and my bow gimli: and my axe me: and my hoodie. i want it back

vin diesel standing outside your window, holding a 1970 dodge charger r/t above his head like a boombox, revving the engine softly, just waiting for you to come outside and embrace the power of family

the brave little toaster is a scam. he’s got no brain, no heart, and zero awareness of the danger he’s in. he’s not brave, he’s just a reckless appliance with a death wish

you wake up, bolt downstairs, and fire up the family computer to the sweet sound of the windows 95 jingle. “turn that racket down!” dad yells, but it’s saturday and you don’t care. minutes later, you’re on your favorite site: “badger badger badger badger.” life is good. internet is pure

how i feel after ordering a costco hotdog

office culture is being forced to come in on a friday when all the higher-ups wfh and getting to work with the lights off so you're not being blinded by the light, only blinded by the false sense of appreciation

filled my water heater with baja blast mountain dew, so now every time i shower, i ascend to a higher plane smelling like the chosen one

changing the requirements for citizenship to eating a hotdog, and drinking a beer while attending a baseball game—because if that doesn’t make you american, nothing will

it's best to never let your wine breathe, take it down first before it gains any strength to take you down

the boys are back in town and now they have all of your Social Security and taxpayer information

i really thought the "boomer save as PDF" joke was just a metaphor until an entire department of boomers asked me to convert 10+ excel sheets into PDFs like it was a life-or-death situation

im a bitch / im a lover im hulk hogan / hey there brother

the reason men's pants have so many pockets is so we can store ziplock bags of baja blast mountain dew in case we need an emergency vibe sesh