Me: "It's time to start eating healthy." Lettuce: "I'm going to give you explosive diarrhea!" Chips and cookies in my pantry: "I would never do that to you."

Was watching this on MTV at my grandparents' house & asked my folks if I could pleeeeaaase stay the night (we didn't have MTV at home yet.) I was 9. My mom: You just wanna watch that concert! My grandma: So? She can watch the concert! I stayed the night & Grandma left it on the living room TV.

A surge of cases of the intestinal illness that causes diarrhea and nausea has been detected in 31 states, according to federal health authorities, but the source is still under investigation. n.pr/4guWrQn

Uplifting graffiti in a rest area in Michigan

@zuzusunshine.bsky.social As seen at a random taqueria in Michigan

My dentist suspects I may be grinding my teeth at night. He suggested, "When you wake up, see if you're clenching your jaw." Sir, when I wake up, I don't know my own name or what planet I'm on. Bold of you to assume I'll have the wherewithal to notice what the hell my teeth are doing at the moment.

My next-door neighbor's piano playing is so bad that I legit wonder if the dog hasn't made his way to the keyboard & isn't just marching back & forth across it.

If you see this, post a vampire that isn't Dracula.

This is one of many reasons I'm not cut out for customer service.

And because I'm still listening to it at the same volume since I was 13, I also can't hear you once I turn it off.

Y'all wtf is wrong with my Duolingo owl?! I swear I did my exercises today!

GOOD NEWS! Researchers at Stanford University have developed a UNIVERSAL vaccine known as GLA-3M-052-LS+OVA, that protects against a wide range of respiratory viruses, bacteria AND even allergens. The vaccine is delivered intranasally AND provides broad protection in the lungs for several MONTHS.

Humor at its peak

Same energy:

I just saw photos on social media of my university alma mater's class of 2026, & realized that I graduated from the same place & in the same building 30 years ago, so if you'll excuse me I'll just dissolve into dust for how elderly I am, thanks.

Please do not ask bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.

Tried pickle pizza for the first time this week, paired with a dill pickle sour beer, & the whole thing tasted way damn better than it had any right to.

Nothing left to say Billions feel this way .

Shout-out to every other Gen Xer that was holding their breath the entire time for the first five mintues of the launch For r e a s o n s

So I've reached a level of language learning where I'm speaking Mandarin in my dreams. Probably incorrectly, but it's still odd. I don't remember this happening when I was first learning Spanish but I was like 7 or 8 then.

Last night's forecast for today. This is some bullshit right here.

My local Kroger ain't the best but dammit if they don't play some bangers. Perusing the vitamin aisle yesterday morning was way more fun whilst jamming to "Can't Get There From Here" by R.E.M. Found a good deal on vitamin C, did a little dance, & for a moment, life was good.

Was lying down earlier when the female feline decided to lie down on my lower abdomen. Her weight atop that area made me squeeze out a fart. At that moment, I realized my cat had turned me into a giant Whoopee cushion. So that's how my life is going, in case anyone was wondering.

Me: I took a long walk earlier & Husband is out for a run! We are being so healthy! Yay! Also me: *watches Husband's Live Track map* *gets bummed he ran right past the donut shop up the road without stopping*

Me: I'm opening the Tagalongs first but you can dig into the Samoas if you want. Husband: No, let's open one box at a time. I don't want any of them going stale. Bold of him to assume these are gonna last long enough to go stale. #GirlScoutCookies

Best Super Bowl Ads -sad potatoes -lady gaga sings to jigglypuff -baby bird and baby horse grow into eagle and clydesdale

Ok no lie, the Liquid IV ad made both me & my husband laugh. Finally, a Super Bowl ad worthy of the title, only 2:40 before halftime. Selection has been sad this year.

The Olympics produced the most inane ad I've ever seen: skiers going through ski lifts & up & down a mountain for Starbucks coffee IN ITALY. Nobody in their right mind is drinking Starbucks in freakin' ITALY, the country so known for coffee that Starbucks themselves use their sizing terms. Omg...

#olympicopeningceremony so we're featuring a cathedral, we gonna get a Pope Leo cameo? I mean he's practically right there. Petition to get Pope Leo to represent U.S. instead of the veep? Please?

Ah it's the Olympics Opening Ceremony, a perfect blend of beauty, art, and "wtf did I just watch."

Black history reminds us that progress doesn't happen by waiting—it happens by showing up, lifting each other, and moving forward together. #BlackHistoryMonth

Irked that I ordered Uber Eats & the restaurant screwed up my order. I was jonesing for paneer, not mushrooms. I've been issued a refund, but money back in my account does not equal paneer in my belly. Ah well.

Principal MADEA Coleman 😆☠️ #abbottelementary

Melissa's perm & makeup are 🔥 #abbottelementary

新年快樂！🇹🇼

Ohio makin' me proud

So our local Kroger already has their Christmas swag discounted & a bunch of Valentine's stuff out. And let me just say thanks, I hate it. Good lord, at least let us have Christmas UNTIL CHRISTMAS.

Oh joyous day! Was cutting up some fudge and sliced my thumb! No worries, I didn't bleed on the fudge and I washed the knife thoroughly before continuing. My thumb hurts like an S.O.B. though. Time to change the band-aid and put on the Neosporin! UGH.

I messaged my daughter on IG. "Which Christmas goodies would you like me to make this year?" Made a list. Said to ask her husband too. Even said to answer only the ones they didn't want if that would be quicker. Her response? She liked the post. With a heart. I'm not sure how to interpret that.

OK so I have a dozen chocolate chip cake batter cookies & a half tray of saltine toffee all ready to go to my folks. A rum cake cooling on the counter, chocolate fudge cooling in the fridge, mint chocolate chip cake batter cookies currently in the oven. Why do I do this every year?!

My skin looks like this too (minus lip injection spots, although I will say my lips are considerably thinner.) The difference? She's 28. I'm 50. I mean, I'm far from perfect but DAMN, being a total piece of shit must really age you.

Working from home with one cat on my lap and the other sleeping atop a nearby kitty tree, lightly snoring. Bliss.

I haven't been going for a while anyway - their support of the RNC did it for me - but I'm definitely not going now. I didn't grow up in a union household to cross a picket line now for a peppermint mocha.

Omg the world can be a dumpster fire but there's still such wholesomeness in this world. I'm about in tears.

Only if it was made from rich Corinthian leather

Amazon, please stop asking me if books I bought month ago met my expectations. I still have unread books I bought in 2012. Be real.

Middle School bathroom graffiti is surprisingly wholesome