Anyway, come be my sort-of neighbor! (We live 5 mins down the road.) The folks who used to live here had the fattest, happiest chickens y’ever did see, so you better get chickens if you buy it.

thing i’m mad about today: the phrase “candlestick holder” just as bad as saying chai tea latte. THE CANDLESTICK IS THE CANDLEHOLDER. IT IS THE STICK FOR THE CANDLE. YOUR CANDLE IS NOT A STICK. FFS

one of my favorite pastimes: trying to peer pressure Big City Friends into moving to appalachia do you want me to spam you with real estate listings that will BLOW YOUR MIND? apply within!

one small thing I love about current gig is getting to tell tourists NOT to go to the nearby brunch spot that gamifies google reviews and has hilariously toxic management (even by industry standards). it’s the little things.

at the new gig (i got a new gig doing everything at a boutique hotel downtown) and everyone FOH has told me that everyone else has a raging ❄️ problem. like, still? in THIS economy? hell yeah 💰💰💰

i have this whole theory that i may have been born a geriatric millennial but the circumstances of my having been born a rural queer geriatric millennial basically make me so old i was an original SNL cast member

also tonight i made my wife watch Waiting… (which is TWENTY TEARS OLD THIS YEAR) bc i have been referencing it weekly for the last…well, two decades tbh

well anyway i watched (trans: sobbed through) the last bridget jones movie and will forever be UPSET at the blue cocktails. unfair. unjust. have i not suffered enough. etc

sitting here drying my hair, getting mad about the Ryan Murphy-level character assassination they gave Steve Rogers in the last five minutes of Endgame (a movie that came out SIX AND A HALF YEARS AGO)

@vinegarmike.bsky.social @jessrock.bsky.social @champagneofbeer.bsky.social yall be friends idk

getting ready to head into the bar where apparently back in 2019-ish i shouted THOR IS A LESBIAN ICON and became Known to the staff and anyway i hope turnover has been crazy and no one remembers

also in case it helps anyone else: alcala’s on chicago and wood will punch extra holes in your belt for a WHOLE DOLLAR and they also have glorious western belts and boots

oh nooooooo the spot on division that had the lovely drinks and the strange flower bar shut down!

i should actually say i am in town til saturday so let me come and hang out w you, have cta pass will travel and I HAVE MISSED ACTUAL BARS SO MUCH

goddammit i love this fuckin city #chicago

anyway i also need yall to know that circa…2022? ish? @lllookalive.bsky.social @stephenflorida.bsky.social and @champagneofbeer.bsky.social and I RUINED SOME LIVES at the lp whole foods wine bar on dollar oyster Friday. anyway i’m here now and they have a dedicated oyster shucker.

OH NO I DELETED MY POST! TO SUM UP: 1. i am in chicago 2. i am a leetle drunk C. i am HOT AS SHIT D. i am already on the north side 5. MEFITES I WOULD LIKE TO SEE YOU! 6. karaoke? G. …? 7. PROFIT

anyway rewatching clueless and CHER HOROWITZ IS GAY 1. uninterested in “high school” boys 2. drives a jeep 3. develops a crush on a conveniently off limits guy 4. loves a project thank you for coming to my ted talk

am quitting dunkin to be a server bc lol i did the math and ill make more money waiting tables and not have to wake up at 3 am to dose out caffeine and babysit GROWN FUCKING ADULTS

been making herb-heavy dense bean salads so summer is FUCKIN NIGH MY DUDES

Don't worry everybody. Chicago will be totally normal about this.

watched Conclave last night. tonight I’m gonna watch Death of a President and see if I can go 2 for 2.

people sure are peopling today.

my urge to post anticapitalist memes to the GM group chat when everyone’s at their stores, making no money bc snow, and disgruntled about it

i realize I should be glad I’ve graduated out of the “can you start tomorrow? great, come wearing black with 2 forms of ID” job interviews, but I am still a little irritated these places don’t just offer me their jobs immediately. like, what, you DOUBT me? you doubt ME??! DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM???

so it’s been icing for about 12 hours straight, on top of dumping snow yesterday, and my grand boss just said in the group chat that it “really means a lot to him” that some stores’ managers pressured their team members to show up and open. I did not do that, obv. I can’t get out of my driveway.

found out my step-boss at work is leaving in a week; also found out the girl whose store i trained at who can’t stand me is gunning for his job. so i guess now it’s a race? god, i don’t want that job. but i also don’t want to spend a single day w her as my boss.

welp. dad took the fed buyout. i need to know if he’s just fucked him and ma for the rest of their lives bc he has 7 days to take it back so i’m just frantically googling while he’s talking about celebrating and i can’t believe this, i can’t fucking believe this

without downloading any new pics, where are you mentally? me:

still trying to figure out what the hell I did with my laptop during the house move. been a couple months, haven’t seen it.

it’s very nice to finally be the formative coffeeshop manager in a lot of people’s journeys that i wish i would’ve had. but also im starting to realize which managers absolutely HATED me, and why, and yknow…..yeah 😑

on Day 3 of not smoking and I want yall to know that i did not commit murder today and i think i deserve a little treat because of it. but the BEST little treat is no longer an OPTION so fuck it maybe murder is option 2

i keep having to stop doing the bake to just howl with laughter

OKAY IMPROMPTU SURVEY FOR ENGLISH SPEAKERS: DID YOU KNOW “WHY” AND “WHEREFORE” MEAN THE SAME THING? IS THIS NOT FUCKING TAUGHT IN *HIGH SCHOOL FRESHMAN ENGLISH* ANYMORE????!

never has it been so stupidly obvious that I need to get back on ADHD meds than when I try to do the goddamn bake at work. this should take me maybe four hours. I am on hour SIX because i keep STOPPING TO CLEAN AND ORGANIZE THINGS GRARRRRGH

anyway the day before yesterday someone legit called me SKINNY for the first time in my life and it has made me unbelievably overconfident and also FILLED WITH RAGE bc it was a coworker who was slightly bigger and she was saying it to be self-deprecating and NO GIRL, NO, I AM YOU AND YOU ARE ME

biggest indicator a customer transaction is about to go to shit: a fuckin new england accent

MAN, i am KILLING it at being an adult today! I have also eaten half a bag of gummi worms for lunch. for BALANCE.

i think i may have stockholmed @lllookalive.bsky.social into accepting that once I find a taxidermied pheasant or turkey, it WILL be going over the mantel downstairs. so 2025 is going to be a banner year! also if anyone has a line on a stuffed and mounted pheasant/turkey, lmk

lore drop: I loooooove making new year’s resolutions. which is a real child-raised-in-a-cult vibe (personal progress! the emphasis on trying to attain perfection! which means finding fault with whatever you’re doing! 🥰🥰) but whatever, I’m having fun making my little list of hopes for the year.

going down a rabbit hole about h5n1 and i stg if i get taken out by bird flu JUST as i get skinny AND become a homeowner i will spend whatever kind of afterlife there is trying to find a way back here, just so I can drag every billionaire and politician back to hell with me

the clouds had settled into the valley this morning, and are already on the rise. we’ll probably be socked in, in about 10 minutes. but wow, pretty while it lasted!

new development in coffeeshop bullshit: customers choosing the touchscreen kiosk over having a conversation w a barista, looking directly at our display case, and ordering a dozen of a pastry we RAN OUT OF AND ARE NOT DISPLAYING. like…let me go tell the magic elves in the back???

another patrick picture

“One clove of garlic” lol

THIS VENUE HAS MALORT SO I FEEL HONOR BOUND TO DO A SHOT

anyway i am in baltimore and i have had delicious ethiopian food and baltimore looks like marseille also i am still trying to retrain my brain back to the east coast where all the major cities are about an hour and a half away from each other

on the train to baltimore, waiting around in dc, listening to two college students have an excruciatingly dull meet-cute. thoughts and prayers to their friends and family, who are going to have to hear about how magical this BORING, SO BORING, HOLY SHIT THE KIDS ARE BORING conversation was all break

last night my wife and i did thanksgiving with all my dad’s people up here on the mountain, and i found out i have queer cousins so now i have to protect them with my life

our ipad kid