Things that are not possible. #1 in a series of 1 Squeezing a bag of precooked microwave rice sufficiently so there are no lumps in it once it's reheated

Think I'm getting a cold, it'll probably head to my chest and collapse a lung

Someone in the pub is going to a '90's Bangers' night. Hopefully in a MK2 Vauxhall Cavalier with rotted out rear wheel arches.

Wouldn't happen in this country

I'm starting to think that the President of the United States might be a bit mental, lads

Countries signing up to the Board of Peace

Shame they probably won't get another chance to vote

Does giving up on Dry January count as haggling with AA?

Shoes, glasses, gold teeth ...

Suede's guitarist has been listening to Killing Joke then #6Music

Greggggg's got a new grift

Remember how people moaned about the lack of rain last summer?

And a load of his mates make a killing as stocks recover

Someone photoshop a massive spunking cock into this, please

Turkey Dinosaurs will the collapse US economy

Can it cut hair though?

In the pub discussing Newtonian fluids, because I'm a fucking intellectual, innit

Friends Reunited isn't feeling too chipper either

Greenland, Iceland, Beejams, whatever

Looks like NotBob has got Flea Allergic Dermatitis, awful for her, but worse for me as I'm going to have to try and get her into a carrier to take her to the vet

All your pants are belong to us.

I'm hurtling towards retirement & the cunts going to firebomb my pension pot.

Muting that duck

I no longer feel an obligation to give a shit about the Beckham thing.

Imagine filling in the insurance claim.

I'm reckon Elon Musk is so angry because he's a grown man with the facial hair of a pre-teen

Didn't dye his hair then?

Just spent half an hour explaining to my neighbour, who has dementia, that her heating won't come on no matter how many times she pushes the Advance button on the controller if the thermostat is set to 10°C. Anyway, I've set the timer and the thermostat for her now.

He's going to give Trump the Isle of Wight

I'm, like, flying, maaan.

Plastic Face of the Nation, more like

My gladiator name is Spontaneous Pneumothorax

Private party in the pub, Landlord has got engaged. It's nice, but I have to make small talk rather stare at my phone while I drink myself to death.

Thanks for letting us know, emma 🙄

Is he Welsh then? He never mentions it.

Depends on the pub. Small microbrewery with #wankycans - Yes Flat roof murder pub - Nope

Trying these for my nicotine fix now I'm not allowed to inhale it.

"Europe dumps US debt, Dollar collapses"

Capt Mainwearing when his sergeant has a few too many sherbets and tries to tap him up in the pub bogs

ABS module is fried. Going back to bed

When your bra is badly fitted

Imagine the stink of Donald Trump's nob cheese though

He'd brick the windows in a pub because he came second in the meat raffle. Such a sad cunt

Like to meet an incoherent man with a tattoo on his face, want to experience an ambience of desperation with an undercurrent of barely suppressed explosive violence? Do you need a leg of lamb and some cheap Golden Virginia. Fancy a go on a mobility scooter? Come to Spoons Fuck are you looking at?

I used to stay up all night on drugs, drink heavily and have unusual sex with strange women on Fridays, now I'm spending it transferring 2.3TiB of data between shares on my NAS.

This is keeping me off the vape, but £20 a pop is a fucking piss take. Be cheaper to get back on the tabs

Nazis are fucking mad for cock

Women may live longer than men, but we enjoy our short lives.