"Mate, you my dick stinks after hibernation, it's fucking rotten down there, it's proper rank, lad, come have a sniff" "Fuck you, Dave" "Come here and smell it ... Oi where're you going ..."

Some fantastic soccerball cryarseing on my TL right now

"Wow, what long whiskers your cat has" "That's because she's a fat cunt" Look it up.

This is the actual chair that Starmer sits in to watch Trump thumb his mushroom penis into the UK's arsehole.

The Bell-i-End C6

Fuck off, mate.

Mrs Yak has had wine and is listening to music on her headphones, trouble is she's 'singing' along. It's not good, lads.

Gerry Adams was not a member of the IRA in much the same way that Hitler didn't actually drive a Panzer

Tony Blair must be in the bog tearing the head off it about now.

In other news, #gaycar sailed through the MOT, not even an advisory. Tester must have been drunk.

Reform are banning Christmas, lads

Fucking hell, I've only been back 5 minutes!

Decided against a Guinness, now that I've cleaned my pipes after a few days off it.

Oh fuck, here come the memes

After a week of misery - no booze, eating properly and running* - I'm looking forward to a well earned pint later *aggressive mincing

I suspect some of these people on #Antiquesroadshow in Scotland are actually English.

I see the MAGA lads are still being fiercely heterosexual.

I HAZ CATNIP.

Listening to the new Gorillaz album, the Mark E Smith track is good, but the rest is like listening to a pretentious Essex wanker bang on about shite over the music in a curry house.

"Where's my tea, you fucking dickhead?"

Peak Bluesky

Tax them to fuck.

There's always one.

Tottenham are too big to go down. JUST LIKE YER MA!

How this works if you're a man. "Hi, you're looking fabulous today" "Fuck off, you weird cunt"

There's a lad in the pub with so many facial piercings that I'm considering kidnapping him and weighing him in for scrap.

"Hello, Mate, you're a big lad, have you seen Dave?"

Evri delivered my parcel on time and didn't even throw it over a fence, lads

Shag his brother.

Pandora adverts, possibly the only thing more cloying and mawkish than #YNWA

Zack Polanski said he rode through a desert on a horse with no name, the horse was called Dave, he just never bothered to ask.

Apart from the alpaca, everyone the latest Range Rover advert is a cunt.

People are talking about rugby again now that the proper sport has finished.

See, I fucking told you. Demi jock monochrome BASTARDS!

Zack Polanski bummed my dog to death, IN THE FACE!

Zack Polanski directed every film since 1973, but he doesn't like to talk about it.

Zack Polanski rode the winner in the 1986 Grand National and then made it mayor of Runcorn.

Zack Polanski invented leopards.

It appears Donald Trump wrote Moby Dick

Johnny Morris has blocked me from beyond the grave, the penguin fingering bastard.

The Lemon Twigs are just Squire if they lived in Long Island. About 3 followers will get this.

Newcastle will beat Chelsea, because all Geordies are cunts, even the ones I like.

Just imagining the state of my TL if Everton beat The Skinny Latte 11

Mornington Crescent!

Just remembering school and that little clique of girls that used to think they were better than everyone else, 'Oh you're so immature' they'd sneer. Who's laughing now, after Dave fucked off in his Cortina and all your children are all in prison, eh? I'm not bitter though.

Tell you what wasn't on my 2026 bingo card, getting into Indonesian jazz infused R&B. Her voice gives me dramas in my pyjamas. Reckon this might be right up @bsrg1.bsky.social and @harrymcnally.bsky.social's jazz cat back straße www.youtube.com/watch?v=2Cre...

Oooh, Changing Man, nope, 10538 Overture #pubjukebox

Clean your own mess up, you anally incontinent throbber.

We now go live to Derwent Pencil Museum ...

I have purchased running shoes and installed an app, I feel fitter already.