Could have lived my whole ass life without ever learning a single detail about RFK’s sex cravings, but no, I have to go bleach my eyes and have an emergency lobotomy instead.

For some reason I don’t think a former D-list reality TV game show host, insurrectionist, or a senile pedophile with 34 felony convictions should get to decide who’s a seditious traitor, but I guess since that’s just all one dude, it’s okay?

Live look at Charlotte.

Not to rain on any parades, but the first people the Punisher would hunt down would be ICE Agents with his logo on their trucks or “uniforms.”

I don’t know that I’ve ever been as confident that I know what a president smells like up-close than I am about The Spray-Tanned Adult Diapered Fragile White Billionaire Asshole in Chief.

I’m not sure Karoline Leavitt is a trusted source of information on age-appropriate sexual relationships, but we should ask her husband if she can stay up past her bedtime and explain it to us anyway.

They were screaming out with Hillary Clinton with the whole pizza basement pedophile ring but they can't see the pedophile that's hitting them directly in the face that's sitting in the White House.

On what planet exactly?

Yeah, he is my president which means Constitutionally speaking he’s my employee and I get to tell him being a bully pedophile can get him fired.

Can I assume that every guy I saw with a “K*LL YOUR LOCAL P*DOPHILE” hat in the Biden era is going to get a visit from the Secret Service at some point?

I know exactly needs to hear this, but: **Nobody’s** allowed to order our troops to do illegal shit, True Value Mussolini.

Something something Jesse Smollet something something.

My tongue is fucking killing me.

It’s wild to me that MAGA demands The Ten Commandments be in schools when their Dear Leader doesn’t follow literally any of them. It’d be like them demanding that Trump put up the Constitution in the Oval Office.

That's what I'm wondering.

Why is everyone afraid of this wet garbage bag full of pus?

I’m not saying he’s not the most corrupt president of all time, I’m just saying he’s also the most corrupt pedophile president of all time, and I like to be holistic in my descriptions of dictators.

What’s insane to me is that the rest of the press on that plane didn’t scream, “Fuck off” in Trump’s face when he called their colleague “Piggy.” Do none of them have a spine or sense of American history? That pedophile works for us. For them. It’s their right and duty to tell him to eat shit.

Let me see her denounce literally every policy she stands for and things she said prior to breaking up with her work husband like one of her IRL ones before I christen Marjorie the new progressive queen, yeah?

How much could we raise for charity if we charge $5 to fart in Stephen Miller’s mouth?

Sure, Donald Trump lies like he spray-tans, but let’s not forget he also craps his pants like a senile p3dophile. It’s only fair.

OPERATION OUR GOVERNMENT HAS BEEN TAKEN OVER BY FUCKING DORKS = Please adopt me, Mexico

Can the next please dear God can the next interviewer ask MTG about oh I don’t know January 6th etc before we keep pretending she found politics Jesus

MTG vs Trump and on the undercard is Diarrhea vs Cancer

“Hey who do I have to blow around here to become president?”

The difference between me and a MAGA is that I will tell you right now I don’t know if Trump actually slurped Bill’s dong, but I’m going to keep pretending I do just to piss them off. It’s why I “troll” and they “intentionally spread lies as truth.”

Maybe the Epstein email is trolling, maybe it’s not. But I think I’ll just give it the ol’ Benghazi instant-truth treatment all the same if that’s okay with MAGA.

If Donald was trying to keep the thing with he and Bill secret, he really blew it.

I don’t want her getting a million bucks for being a traitorous, withered onion-faced asshole, but I would consider giving Marsha Blackburn $1000 to get a real haircut and style.

Wait. So handing control of the country to a guy who bankrupts casinos like he bankrupts steak companies like he bankrupts bottled water companies like he bankrupts fake universities like he steals money from pediatric cancer charities doesn’t get us good results for the economy? 🤯

Ah fuck man. Do I really have to live in the timeline where I end up thankful to Marjorie Taylor Greene for a single goddamn thing? 💔

If there’s a silver lining to some Democrats doing what some Democrats always do, it’s that once the government re-opens, Johnson has to swear-in Grijalva and that’s when the Epstein File discharge petition gets released.

“I can’t stand not doing anything towards tomorrow.” — Miles Davis

Tariff dividends are a burglar giving your remote back after he steals your TV.

It’s amazing to me that as stupid as I think Trump’s supporters are, he agrees, and they don’t care.

It takes a real gutter-pig of a human being to ask the Supreme Court to invalidate every same-sex marriage because they hurt your gutter-pig feelings, especially when you’re a gutter pig with a couple divorces of your own.

Can’t find the clit even when your sister points it out to you? Super-racist while also being super-dumb? Consider a career with ICE!

If I had a trillion dollars but it still wasn’t enough to buy friends who liked me or the kindness of a woman who wasn’t just taking my money in exchange for sexless procreation, I’d probably fuck right off to Mars now, but maybe that’s me?

Very much! I keep thinking of the French Revolution, and the similarities. When the populace has had enough nothing will stop them!

Short and sweet, like his mom.

🎯💯💔

*Looks at results in NY, VA, and NJ* Oh I see, THAT’S why they need to rig the mid-terms.

One of my favorite sexual positions is “Fuck ICE.”

Am I allowed to mock Dick Cheney dying, or is it like that one guy whose name I can’t remember already, after he got shot I guess?

🎶Either, either, neither, neither, let’s release the Epstein files🎶

“Mamdani’s a socialist!”

Good. Do you have any idea how many Nazis socialists killed in Europe?

I’m not saying every ICE agent is a Nazi. Just the ones who are racially profiling, harassing, and mass incarcerating people into camps.

“Four score and seven years ago, I took a dump in a bathroom without any marble or gold. I hope some chonky child r*pist avenges me for that grievous insult one day.” - Abe “MAGA” Lincoln c.1864

“Power always thinks it has a great soul and vast views beyond the comprehension of the weak; and that it is doing God's service when it is violating all his laws.” —John Adams, 2nd US president (1735-1826)