i’m not a chef but boyardees bitches pissing me tf off

i just need someone who’s mentally ill enough to understand me but not mentally ill enough to ruin my life

i’m beautiful yet broken.. like a mcflurry machine

how do i convert my screams into energy like they do in monsters inc

brb emotionally retreating from everyone to focus on getting worse

my ego is so inflated that when someone hates me i try to make it worse

giving my inner child a cigarette

punched the shit out of a white man tonight 🥰

i’m seriously going to have nightmares of the “make it stop” scene from andor 😰 luthen had flaws but damn i loved him as a character

you’re telling me you were hard when you boiled this egg?

i did more on the star wars ride at disney world than katy and gayle did on this “flight” to space

i just played as Emma Frost on marvel rivals and now there’s a crack in my tv screen. sis is thicker than a bowl of oatmeal.

you’re telling me it’s only going to take Katy Perry 11 minutes to get to space? that’s less time than it takes me to get to the bar.

the next White Lotus should take place at Yosemite National Park and on the last day the volcano erupts.

The work day is over! Time to make like your mom and blow this place

i wonder how many of my uber drivers pretend to not speak english i would do the same tbh

i wonder if the fall of rome was this stupid

if being gay was a choice i’d be gayer

wait do f slurs call m*th “tina” bc of tina turner???

the bird flu? yeah they tend to do that

So…I just write what I’m thinking and other people can see it? Idk. Feels illegal.

“trans ppl aren’t real i just don’t understand it” yeah well i don’t understand Korean but i still know it’s real language

but the real question is do aliens believe in me?

you’re telling me a tea threw a party in Boston and i wasn’t invited??

i loved watching the single alcoholics pretend that they were only drinking last night bc it was valentine’s day

the woke left? without saying goodbye?

you’re telling me a crab gooned in this?

you’re telling me a beef was stroganoff in this?

you’re telling me you frenched an onion for that soup?

how soon until donald calls punxsutawny phil a DEI hire?

Me: *Slides alien $5 and a pudding cup* Take me off this planet please.

first the eggs and now coffee? in under a month he has managed to ruin breakfast.

thinking about the lady gaga born this way toothbrush a lot lately

if you aren’t already on a “list” by now you were doing it wrong during the orange man’s first presidency

it’s hard to look mysterious at the bar when you’re 5 well tequilas deep

i want to go back in time and meet whichever overworked housewife was asked to make hamburgers for dinner bc she makes the best patties but at the last min her husband pissed her off so she said fuck it and made 1 giant hamburger patty, covered it in ketchup, and called it meatloaf. she’s my idol.

cross dressers are the spice of life

my body is not a temple it’s a midwest gay bar

i’m not procrastinating. im just giving the universe more time to disappoint me

[opens Disney+] ok sweetie do you want to watch the Lion King, Mary Poppins or Night Bitch

i’ve never had a refrigerator that didn’t sound like it was struggling to breathe

yes espresso martinis are energy drinks next question

hi 🫶🏽

i just want to be the first kill in a b list horror movie is that too much to ask

how many ppl had to google the word ‘depose’ today i wonder

you’re behaving like this with santa on his way???

if i was one of those space nuns in dune i would use the voice to demand back rubs almost exclusively

Nightmare Disorder would be a sick band name however at the moment it is just a medical condition that’s ruining my quality of life

i know another world war is upon us i was just hoping i’d get to pet a capybara at least once before it all went down

every day I understand a little more why Arya Stark kept that list