Taking the bus to church and the people on this bus do not deserve to hear a 9yo talk about Minecraft this loud but what am I supposed to do, he hasn't unlocked volume modulation yet.

4yo with 2 straws sticking out of her mouth: I'm a Norris.

We really are turning into fiends though.

the 4yo told us that (1) tomorrow is lemonade stand day at the preschool and (2) she's really really excited about it, and so after bed we made entire plans based on these facts before thinking to ourselves, "we should verify if tomorrow is actually lemonade stand day" and no it is not.

I'm worried I'll never be sitting in the parking lot drinking a soda when a familiar but unexpected acquaintance flings themselves through the passenger window and shouts "drive! DRIVE!" I brought this up to my therapist recently and I'll never forget what she told me: "I SAID DRIVE!"

friendly reminder you don't have to text your mom if she's a jerk :)

The other day a friend asked if my parents referred to me, the oldest, as "the guinea pig" and it unlocked like a thousand memories for me. They did! And you know what? They probably shouldn't have.

So this is how democracy dies. With me constantly having to learn about new little freaks.

Gonna hustle pool. So far what I know is that you lose a game by a lot. Easy. I'm going to go do that and then look up what the next step is.

When I let my 3yo do something special I call it a "special privilege" and not a "special treat" for the same reason dog owners don't say "walk" around their dogs.

who the hell is Ty

I need to find someone in the whole universe who feels the same way as me about the The Good Place finale. "How*do* you feel about the The Good Place finale?" I do not know.

me in my early 20s: cocky, full of it, assume I could do the job better than my supervisors who suck me in my late 20s: wise, solemn, assume my supervisors know things I don't and are under pressures I couldn't imagine me, a supervisor in my 30s: no I was right the first time

3yo: I think the baby's birthday is tomorrow. [pause) what baby? Incredible! The baby's birthday is today!

9yo: I have my first big test today. It's my first SOL. me: gosh I hope it doesn't go THAT bad.

I'm hearing the horses "can injure themselves easily because they're so wound up" 🥺😭

The Kenturpy Derpy

you know, there's nothing quite like baseball. actually, hold on. now that i think about it, softball is a lot like baseball. you know what, nevermind. man. what a turd this post turned out to be, huh

there's been a shift in canine accents and that's why they don't say "bow wow" anymore

I no longer feel way younger than other adults at school events. I probably am still younger than the average but not by as much and also I feel ancient now.

Y'all ready for my stupidest music take. Harmonica is discount violin.

Bands love to play three songs before they say hello. That's fine. I'm here when you feel comfortable.

Scientists don't even know how "tap to pay" works

I hope you're with someone who isn't scared of ass

Amen, amen, I say to you, whoever does not enter a sheepfold through the gate but climbs over elsewhere is probably doing a cool parkour move.

there's something really nice about tidying an area and then telling the robot vacuum to clean that area while I tidy the next area, etc. emotional support cleaning buddy.

men will literally snort cocaine and ride a motorcycle out of a helicopter instead of watching overtime playoff hockey

Thank you for changing my life I'm literally just staying up late watching playoff hockey with my friends

Pope Leo: “I think it’s very important to understand that the unity or division of the Church should not revolve around sexual matters. We tend to think that when the Church is talking about morality, that the only issue of morality is sexual.”

Types of Board Game xkcd.com/3235/

something that's been on my heart lately

Europa Missions xkcd.com/3234/

lmao come on

After all why not? Why shouldn't I watch every playoff hockey game?

[Benoit Blanc voice] “So this… Jarjar Binks character”

I love biking to my friend in Reston because I can imagine I'm fulfilling my desire to bike away from DC until I collapse but then right before I collapse I can get off my bike and walk through the door and be handed a beer by my friend.

Don't come a-hangin' around my door don't wanna see your face no more got more important things to do Than spend my time growin' old with you

7yo: If you're able to take days off work, you should be able to take days off school. Nobody would be "absent", they would just have the day off.

Make It Myself xkcd.com/3233/

representation in media is so important

9 & 7 are bickering. 7 says "we're frenemies....no wait....we're enemies."

I'm just gonna say it. The Masters is a tradition somewhat like many others.

If I was a golfer I think I'd be pretty calm about it. "It's only golf."

I need everybody I interact with to be familiar with the Doctor Who where the doctor is explaining a creature that is indistinguishable from a shadow but can kill you and someone asks if that means "every shadow" is dangerous and he says "no but any shadow."

Hate to admit it but Astronaut is emails.

It was really smart of them to launch the Artemis rocket while the moon is full

CREATION Happy April Fool's Day! xkcd.com/3227/