HAPPY HAPPY NEW YEAR! 🎆

I don't go here; Mayor of New York is about to Blorbo

Wooooo! I had wine! I had confetti pancakes! I went to bed at 9 pm! Did the body of Dick Clark return for vengeance? Was it neat?

my 2025 year in review

It's New Year's Eve and the one thing I want to do is thank whomever made gifs of Ben Mendelsohn when he was on Neighbours in 1986, because what a mullet* *Not to be confused with Mullet (2001) dir. David Caesar

Nobody: Absolutely no one, including George Clooney: Bari Weiss: YOOHOO! DO YOU WANT TO HANG OUT AT MY WORK WITH ME?

Today I yelled at hooligans in my yard

the energy i am bringing to the new year

If you leave a Waymo’s door partially open the company has to pay a human $20 to come close it, please use this information responsibly.

Tonight, we commemorate that one time baby Jesus got shitfaced and drove his dad's Toyota into the frankincense vendor

why are we all so eager for news of mythical creatures now inexplicably surfacing from the deep isn't this how we end up with a need for the means to destroy godzilla in the first place

"What's the future like? Are there flying cars?" "No, but you can scream 'WHEN'S WILLIE NELSON'S BIRTHDAY?!?!' out loud to no one and your fridge may tell you it's April 29"

Unbelievable that the actual Turing Test is shouting out something like "OH YEAH, THEN SPELL RHYTHM!!!" at a person and if they can spell the word out loud we shoot them

We have developed a new attitude about typos at my office. See, before, if you sent an email with an boo-boo, you felt bad because hey, you're a perfect being and typos are unforgivable. But now clients say "AT LEAST I KNOW YOU WROTE THIS," so... Typos in 2026, bitch, because we're alive

Hell yeah, fuck me up, recipe blog, it's 4 am

BREAKING NEWS: Courts to let Trump piss on the poor

Where I live they are doubling down on wanting exactly what we're getting. I sit in government meetings and listen to board members discuss which neighbors to "call the hotline" on, "as a joke." I'm on Bluesky to escape the Trump voters, who deserve to be shamed forever

Remember when we used to think celebrities were lame for doing commercials? Can we bring that back

rip eisenhower, you would have loved shania twain’s “let’s go girls” command

Ok did everyone know they made a musical out of Joe's bookstore tweet and just forgot to mention it?

If you only care about Presidential elections then consider 2026 practice for 2028 and get involved anyway. Show up and never let someone who doesn't vote tell you it doesn't matter ever again

It's not Imposter Syndrome to know that I had ham dip for two days in a row as a meal and I should not be allowed to give other people orders

I'm shocked the Canadian Hospital Charity rejected what was no doubt the smartest standup comedy they've heard in 20 years if you're not a pussy

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Updated for 2026

Kif, show them the medal I won

"Don't shop on Shein" that's where my lil treats come from

Every time another billionaire moves here they start in saying they don't want the things we've been working to establish in Bumfuck for years, like the right to own as many chickens as we want within city limits

I just received my ballot for where we'll hold the state Democratic convention in 2026 so if you're reading this you have until now to get involved with the candidate process. As you can see, the worst fucking people in the world are already prepared to start shilling their Nazi du jour:

It's sadly true. There is not enough diversity in the "Doesn't write stuff well" genre. It's all white dudes and there doesn't seem to be a chance it will change any time soon :(

GQ ranked a remake of West Side Story that bombed at the box office higher than every Jurassic Park movie, Jaws, Saving Private Ryan, and The Color Purple in a "Spielberg, Ranked" list. There is no way this writer is anything other than white.

I have ADHD. I spend most of my day looking for where I put my cell phone. It is usually in my hand as I look. And my ass? Let's just say: it's what's getting all the attention

Depressing that climate change got the goat this year. We can't even burn things down right anymore

I love receipts season! God bless

Update: still looking for one specific post

no i do not want to give you my email for 10% off. and furthermore, I don’t think i should have to click a button that says “i’m a dumb bitch” to indicate that. you’re a website that sells blankets and you can’t speak to me like that.

Back in my day, digging through ditches and burning through witches were two separate jobs. Union jobs, no less. These days if you want to get slammed in the back of a dragula you have to download some lousy app.

Mmm. Sounds like you need to speak to purchasing. Let me transfer you to Groyber Estupido, one moment for Groyber

I would like to propose a radical idea where we can organize and search our likes folders

Back to back first thing on the timeline Thanks, Pope Leo 🐢🌈

I think my prayers for myself these days are mostly like "I hope I die before the Oscar winning film about this time period is made"

December ushered an array of weird meteorological conditions to Wyoming — from record-high temperatures to hurricane-force winds and the rare winter rainbow. wyofile.com/walking-in-a...

It's funny how the cops in The Fugitive have to keep proving they're cops to other cops, probably because they're chasing a white guy through a St. Patrick's Day parade

"Every heard of Bork Fluking? Well here's the people who sent hundreds of thousands of dollars to strangers on the internet, to remind us not to do that"

Merry Christmas to whatever asshole just won the Powerball

Me as I add Cherry RC Cola to the crockpot: IT'S ALL HAMMENING

🎶 Run, run Rudolph, ICE has finally made it to town 🎶 Santa's got a whistle, you can hear him from the freeway down 🎶 Run, run Rudolph, reeling from Imperial rebound

Just saw the phrase "super woke." Used to describe people with moral boundaries they enforce, I think?

HOOOOOBOY UNDERSTATEMENT