sandwich report: half a muffaletta from Mr Ed's Po Boy

the concept of French Dilbert. he doesn't work and his dog is fucking Mistressbert

I really don't think I should have to verify that I am human to look at the Cheesecake Factory menu online. Dogs and robots should be able to look at 57 types of cheesecakes too.

8 year old has been getting into elaborate collateral swaps and tranching of lost teeth to get more money from the tooth fairy. this is a recession indicator

forgot that Police Story ends with Jackie Chan chest kicking an elderly man through a glass display case

clavicular roams asu like a ronin, his fame guaranteeing that at every crossroads a foid or moid will await to challenge him to mog

shit. fuck. I accidentally listened to Geese

Boneless into kickflip to grind the balcony rail, transfer to right handrail and do a handstand special on the toilet, sticker plant to the left rail doing a grind special to maintain momentum upwards, sticker plant through the piss balcony and grind the urinal bank for a quick million point combo

you've been visited by 𝓣𝓱𝓮 𝓗𝓸𝓶𝓸𝓷𝓬𝓾𝓵𝓾𝓼

gentle parenting my mother

cliche ass cat is literally playing with a ball of yarn right now. tell him to get new material

American Flagg says NO to AI generated imagery

do you think the grinch has a penis

Every Who down in Whoville skipped leg day a lot. But the Grinch, who had quads like a horse, did not

nobody ever talks about the mole people these days

Wow

you think John Wick ever walks into a room and there are guns covering every wall and big plate glass cases and he just knows he's gonna have to do soooo much work in a few minutes

may I recommend the One Battle After Another soundtrack for drowning out airport bar patrons listening to various tiktoks

working real blue in the group chat today

signed up for the mecha unit and they're saying my mecha will form the balls and ass of the giant dude our team assembles. i asked if they could make me like the back or the foot or something and they said it's either balls and ass or i have to give back my signing bonus and join the infantry

bro. you're such an eligible bachelor bro

AMELIA BEDELIA'S BOYFRIEND, NICK: ahah whaaaat?? you're so funny babe

it's simple: if the drug is a plant, it's fantasy. if the drug is an eye dropper, it's sci fi

requesting Menomena at karaoke to ruin the night of everyone who isn't exactly 38 years old

everyone give it up for *airhorn airhorn airhorn* d-d-d-d-d-d DJaaaay DRACulaaaaaaaaaa

white boy raps every line in Bombs Over Baghdad PERFECTLY astonishing karaoke crowd but not the slurs. please write down that he did not say any slurs

unfortunately cowboy culture is calling to me... the desire for a stupid hat... an embroidered shirt........

french Guy Fieri

strangers don't really come to town any more

remember how popular magic eye paintings were in the 90s? amazing how silly it seems now. so much money and retail space devoted to how the human mind looks for patterns and is amazed to find them. anyway how'd the big new LLM launch go

DWARF CONTRACTOR: *on the phone* alright so tell me this, BEFORE hand, how greedily were you digging.. uh huh... and how deeply? okay, I don't even need to come out, I can tell ya right now you gotta balrog. I'm gonna be honest with ya, does this mine hold any sentimental value

funniest kind of 9/11 joke has to be imagining some sort of 9/11 sequel, like french 9/11, italian 9/11, 9/11 2: legacies, etc

reading pynchon in the poster bar with a martini and a diet coke back

still thinking about how good the new Naked Gun is. just smiling and hearing the jokes again in my head

educating the group chat about the Rizzler, out of spite

remember the Apple Vision Pro? that was a good bit

Freakiest Friday (2055): retiree Anna (Lindsay Lohan) is cursed by a traveling necromancer to swap bodies with her dead mother (Jamie Lee Curtis's skeleton)

time to speak my truth: the Avatar movies are Bad, aesthetically and also morally. we should revile them

From the creators of romantasy we bring you: romard science fiction. The romance you’ve always loved interrupted incessantly by detailed description of how the ship they’re on is able to withstand the gravity of a neutron star while orbiting it to harvest the grontium particle it emits

if the who were founded fifty years later they'd be writing a rock opera about balatro

And what miscellaneous unc, its hour come round at last, Slouches towards the stage to shoot poison?

If you’d like a vision of the future, imagine a nose smelling ya later… forever.

a ten piece soul-funk band called TV-MA and the Sexual Situations

getting my son into SimCity 2000 but standing over his shoulder while he plays to explain why its approaches to zoning and invisible parking lots are a form of propaganda

(Anthony Bourdain voiceover) Orc City is a dogshit town with all the ambiance of a Ramones outtake, and I just can’t get enough of it. The constant din, the free flowing flagons of grog, and the roast squig. Dear god, the roast squig.

the sky was the color of a really nice day

everybody good news! i fixed it! the album cover is okay now! we can all like it, it's something everyone can agree on now

bro, you gotta stop, your sneer of cold command is scaring the hoes

how do I get Tony Gilroy to make a battletech show

so stoned that I'm just sitting on the couch imagining how Danny McBride would sound as a vampire hunter