I must be getting old cause I’m seeing videos of some of the people running for congress these days and I’m like why they kinda bad tho

As John Fogerty once said, Big wheels keep on toynen Proud Mary keep on boynion

on my date last night I tried to do that cute thing where you blow the paper wrapping from the plastic straw at somebody but I did the wrong end and shot the straw right into her eye and scratched her cornea 🙁

the national guard showed up to Chicago looking like they unsuccessfully tried to Captain America Kyle Rittenhouse

Sabrina Carpenter: My lips are so sweet you might lose your tongue 😜 Chappel Roan: My pussy is an ogre’s foot 👹

Literally every single time I hear somebody use the phrase ‘chomping at the bit’ this fuckin guy pops into my head

My dad was a thought leader and my mom was a sex worker so please forgive me for thinking with my dick

Men are simple creatures, we only really want three things: French Fries, Criterion Closet, Posu'gelka-pattern needler from Halo with Subanese Crystalline Shards

Moms will be like “Heard this the other day, I think you’ll really like it” and it’s The Scientist by Coldplay

prank show where you break into peoples houses with a high pressure power washer and just start blastin’

The evolution of the modern “Karen”began in 1970 when Joni Mitchell released “Big Yellow Taxi” and no I will not elaborate at this time

I’m gonna hold off on saying anything about today’s events until I am absolutely sure Trump isn’t planning on building his own Robocop

Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is just Se7en for kids

Joe Camel punched me in the throat outside of a bar in Louisville, Kentucky after I beat him in a game of darts. Have you ever seen a camel with grey hair? Dude looked strange.

my uber driver just waited for me to get in, looked at me, sighed, and then stuck a ‘baby on board’ sticker on his rear windshield????

There’s no way he put Eminem down at number six!!!

bro said fire in the hole

Mark Buffalo

playfully snapped my mouth shut at the Dentist like Richard Gere with that jewellery box in Pretty Women and accidentally bit the tip of his dick off 😔

there is a nonzero chance that Sydney Sweeney becomes this generations John Wilkes Booth

how an ‘I have neither the time nor the crayons to explain this to you’ mfr looks at you after you beat his fucking dog to death in a public park

I WILL NOT BE SILENCED!!! The government continues to send its agents and intimidators in feeble attempts to wipe me out but I continue to fight them off!! I HAVE A VISION FOR THE FUTURE AND I WILL NOT REST UNTIL I HAVE SEEN IT COME TO FRUITION #feminism

I think my cat is looksmaxxing cause he won’t stop mewing

I’m a professional screenwriter who works in television. People don’t realise that my job is 85% pitching new ideas or reworking existing IP. Below are some of the pitches I’ve worked on in the last few years. Most never see the light of day, but there may be some you recognise….

NPR & WBEZ need all the help they can get right now and that’s why I’m going in today to donate my blood

when you’re too hungover to operate in any meaningful way and u just end up on YouTube watching assets

‘Things were relatively quiet last night,’ reports Mayor of Exploding City That Explodes Every Day, while stamping out a firecracker.

cars should have two horns- one normal one at the front and another much louder one at the back that you can blast to tell the person behind you to shut the fuck up

Patrick is absolutely Muslim. SpongeBob is Jewish. Piccolo or whatever the squid is called is Protestant, perhaps Methodist. The squirrel is a high ranking member of the Scientology sea org

My son’s barbershop quartet The Crooning Gooners will be performing in various gymnasiums and parks in the tri state area. Message me for tickets or hiring fees!

[handing out party poppers at the office party] coworker: these are tampons me: if these are here then..OMG my wife at home: [screams]

Hey guys my grandmother just passed and we found this kitten in her attic. The house was left to me, but I don’t think I have the time to take care of a pet right now. Especially after what we found in the basement. Looking for a good home!

‘practice your kegels’ uuuuhhh, you mean taint mewing? no thanks

i don’t know how to explain it but i feel like if i were a dog i wouldn’t be afraid of fireworks wtf is that all about

can somebody tell me why the fuck it’s called a restroom if you’re not allowed to nap in there???

went to a Mission: Impossible - The Final Reckoning premiere earlier and as we were leaving Tom Cruise stood by the exit and snapped the stuck popcorn kernels out of everybody’s teeth with his tongue like a frog or a chameleon or something

Dogs are boys cats are girls birds are elderly women with short haircuts and nothing left to lose

I'm here you fuckaas bitch

is edging still cool? turns out i’ve been edging every girl i’ve ever been with

i like to airdrop this image to nearby cars every time i’m stopped for too long at a red light

aura farming at the animal hospital by begging them to bring my bergamasco shepherd back to life

i was listening to colin stetson in the drive thru car wash when i saw the face of god

had a dream i was eating hot dogs with billy ray cyrus. he asked me how my relationship was with my daughter before a full hot dog slid silently out of his mouth onto the ground. he didn’t seem to notice until a dog came over and started lapping it up. then he farted and tried to blame it on the dog

i keep debussy wet call me Clair De Lube

old white women are so good at yelling at hospitality working cause they necks all look like bagpipes

tonight i’m gonna be smoking fatty resin bowls and responding to people’s close friends instagram stories with ‘yo! send me this ha ha’

[weirdest guy you knew in high school] welcome to the castle of count von jerkenstein! haha just kidding thanks for coming over man, my parents are out of town but there’s some beer in the fridge in the garage. have you seen entourage?

take her back to my place and put on chive tv

thinkin bout the unbelievably homoerotic poster for 2010’s animated/live action hybrid Yogi Bear 3D