let’s have a hog off

guy from a planet where they don’t throw their extra salt in the sink: woah woah woah dude what the fuck

my uber driver just waited for me to get in, looked at me, sighed, and then stuck a ‘baby on board’ sticker on his rear windshield????

There’s no way he put Eminem down at number six!!!

put all my eggs in one basket? you fool. you absolute idiot. i have hidden my eggs in locations across the globe you can’t even conceive of

6 feet apart cuz they’re not gay

one of my buddies will make up crazy shit just to make people slightly bummed out. Yesterday he was like “yeah you remember the ‘bye, have a beautiful time!’ guy after the credits oh American Dad? Yeah he was the security guard outside the studio. Killed himself”

at the library reading The Bible with a comically large magnifying glass like an old timey detective

normalize asking your friends shit so you don’t have to involuntarily use google ai

*guy who thinks the lyrics to goodbye horses are “2-5-4-6”* “You think that’s the last four of his social”

She obla di on my obla da until life goes on

They fucking killed him dude

at the bar rotating the draft list in my mind

Pouring the affogato you just ordered all over my head and neck and asking you to make an example of me

Hey what’s up man I just fished a whole pig out of the muck near the drainage ditch you guys wanna make some wallets

I’m in the netherworld contacting peso pluma with my mind

eating malt-o-meal cereal was a sign of strength and also gave us elevated lead concentrations

this bitch was so coture

no. I didn’t

‘Things were relatively quiet last night,’ reports Mayor of Exploding City That Explodes Every Day, while stamping out a firecracker.

dogs just throw up to remind you to mop I’m pretty sure

the three drinks i had on a worknight when the weed pen comes out

Patrick is absolutely Muslim. SpongeBob is Jewish. Piccolo or whatever the squid is called is Protestant, perhaps Methodist. The squirrel is a high ranking member of the Scientology sea org

I’m learning Arabic and moving to Mogadishu and finding a beautiful seamstress to wed

currently outside RubMasters Massage Lounge on Pershing and Racine, freshly milked, and this fucking meth head is lecturing me on geopolitics! unbelievable

Sometimes I put the left contact in first and tell myself it’s gonna be a “Lisa ‘left eye’ Lopes type of night“

replacing the n word with “neighbor” when i sing along to rap songs at the club to come across as trustworthy and friendly

any woman who claims to be “looking for the jim to her pam” is a liar and an infidel and should be avoided

on march 24, 2013 three friends and I ate 100 chicken nuggets

Starting my first business!

Figured this was a good time to remind everyone that Ben Shapiro and his wife sleep in separate beds at night.

RFK always looks like he’s going to ask for sugar water before an alien explodes out of his neck fascinating creature

(to my arresting officer) yeah you’re gonna wanna come back with a warrant once you see this *holds out phone*

Phreakers and “phone-jockeys” have been tapping into my buildings wireless systems and taking control of my body at night.

last nights pho came out of me like an ancient child. languid, slender, effortless

key glock expected to speak to press pool outside the senate chambers today regarding tarriffs on china

i want to fight the mug root beer dog

Getting lunch with Tapan Bhat president of yahoo finance. Eating lobster and drinking expensive blanc de blanc on a cayman-registered mega yacht. Working with my trusted advisors to put it down wet. I’m not doing any of these things but it’s called manifesting. Ever heard of it?

TouchTunes fucking sucks

everything is going fine until I remember how matt lauer used to show women his bonfoglio

Playing buju banton very loudly on the flight. Several stewardesses are attempting to subdue me but I am too powerful

My friends and I are eagerly awaiting the release of the iPhone Five and Xbox 720°

wonder how this dude is doing. kinda want to have a beer w him

*to the tune of Ratt’s 1984 glam metal classic “Round and Round”* mom and dad father mother sister brother uncle aunt

every bull terrier i’ve ever met looks like it has fetal alcohol syndrome

Guy who says “kuntmala hairyass” furiously googling ebony porn

love it when a reggae guy says something like “notty boom boom” or whatever. doesn’t mean anything to the average man on the street but to me its gospel

parked across from the nobu residences, Cabo San Lucas, flying a small drone into bradley cooper’s villa with a sharpie and a blu ray of silver linings playbook dangling from the fuselage