TV has become obsessed with the mawkish, prurient milking of human emotions. I want instructive programming not people weeping about their "emotional journey" all the time.

If they sold shots of Gavison in pubs it'd be a best seller.

Pronouncing the Spanish C or Z with a 'th' sound, whilst technically correct, makes you sound like a prick. Barthelona, Choritho etc. The only exception is Ibiza.

It's bad enough that Christmas takes up all of December and some of November if you are a really sad case. However, now it appears that some people want to celebrate Halloween for the whole of October. Grow the fuck up.

If your children are speaking with American accents, they're having too much screen time.

For a "Christian country" there sure are a lot of barely full churches on a Sunday

Your child is not the brother or sister of your pet dog. And you aren't the dog's mummy or daddy. Stop saying it you perverts.

Having a social media page for your pet is fucking weird. No exceptions.

Surely the escalating pace of major cyber attacks shutting production lines down all around the world should tell us we either need to take cyber security much, much more seriously than we currently do, or that we should stop connecting literally everything to the internet.

Ageing is realising shoe comfort matters. I used to wear pointy formal shoes for work, but upgraded to Doc Martens. Now realised they're too heavy and got some Skechers. Old.

Ballot papers should come with a 'give reasons for your answer' box.

When I turn on my TV I don't want to select a profile, see a load of adverts and apps then press guide then scroll to a channel and press select. I want it to immediately tune to BBC1 or ITV like TVs did successfully for decades. This is not progress.

To all 60 or 70 year olds reading this, it's amazing you've kept up with technology. I worry about what I am going to be facing in 30 or 40 years?

No, your kid isn't addicted to their iPad/Xbox/PlayStation. You're a parent and you're fully in control of how long they spend on these devices. It's you who's addicted to how easily it pacifies them.

£250 running shoes are all well and good but if you're actually using them for running they're still going in the bin 6mths later.

Reading novels increases empathy. That's not the opinion bit, that's established fact, look it up if you don't believe me. Here's the opinion: a reduction in novel reading is linked to a rise in fascism

People flying St George's flags is great. It helps me identify places that I don't want to live in.

Right wing idiots outsourcing their arguments to grok and then throwing a strop at an AI chatbot when it gives them facts rather than backing up their delusions will never stop being hilarious.

My son is studying engineering at university and living in student accommodation away from home. I expected the normal student problems of too much weed, alcohol and women. He has become vegetarian, found god and given up alcohol. I'm actually a disappointed parent.

People rave about how funny Jerry Seinfeld is but I just don't get it. Humourous maybe, but a comedy god? No way. He must have some serious dirt on influential industry people.

Referring to pay as an annual salary is pointless. Nearly all outgoings are monthly therefore your earnings should also be stated as a monthly figure.

Never had much time for Reading FC until now

Got my kids playing Rimworld. Son has made a peaceful colony taming as many animals as possible. Daughter has made some kind of murder cult colony that deals in human leather furniture and clothing, laughs her head off as she plays. Not telling the wife.

I hate when people text and drive, it genuinely is impossible to do and should come with a year ban from driving. Just look at the road.

Being boring is underrated. Get lots of sleep. Save money. Exercise. Avoid drama. Don't drink. Don't do drugs. Yes, your high points are lower but your baseline happiness will surpass most people's.

Pets aren't fur babies; they're fur slaves. They don't love you; they've got Stockholm syndrome.

No film sequels have missed the entire point of their original as much as Rambo.

Any nation that reaches the point where they feel the need to deem it "normal" to have to install security locks, metal detectors, bulletproof glass, and panic rooms in schools is a failure.

"Gentle parenting" results in kids who are arseholes.

Statues of people put up in public places should all have a time limit of 20 years, after which they're taken down and replaced with one of someone contemporary. No wants our city streets cluttered with 100 year old statues of pasty old white blokes who probably owned slaves.

Beef Wellington is just a sausage roll for cunts.

Influencers: it's easy to be 'self-employed' when you have the safety net of living at home with no bills to pay. That's not being self-employed, that's earning pocket money. The reality of adult life will get you in the end.

When the NHS sadly goes private, it'll still be the same mess that it's in now just you're going get into debt over it.

The Blues Brothers is the prototype for a future Grand Theft Auto musical.

Using the term "simples" as used by the advertising meerkat, is a clear sign that you are indeed simple.

Fist bumps have ruined greetings. Everyone was fine with a handshake or hug. Now you never know what the other person is going to do and it can end up as an awkward mess.

Adults who run social media accounts featuring their infant children should be prosecuted for child exploitation

Don't invite me to your BBQ if you're going to use an electricity powered box and monitor the temperature of my burger on an app. That's not a fucking BBQ.

Jim Carrey comedies in order: 1. Me, Myself and Irene 2. Dumb and Dumber 3. Ace Ventura: Pet Detective 4. Liar Liar 5. The Mask

I've just ate a microwave meal out my freezer which expired 9 years ago. Currently still fine.

Between the age of 23 and 30 my Fridays consisted of underground club night until 3am and Pro Evolution on the PS2 until 6am. Saturdays similar but finished earlier because playing football Sunday morning. My wife believes she rescued me from this life.

In any given contestant lineup on University Challenge there's at least one potential serial killer.

Government Online Petitions exist to create the illusion of democracy.

Every man driving a convertible with the roof down is either grey or bald. A mate said this 3 years ago and I thought he was generalising. Then I started looking and it's true. Every single time. Has anyone else noticed this?

Every now and then I'm reminded there are grown men out there who think Andrew Tate is worth listening to. Other than Andrew Tate himself I mean. Depressing.

Roast chicken and Smokey bacon flavour Walkers crisps taste exactly the same

STV News managing to find a Scottish Dad near Turnberry who quite normally was wearing a “Jesus is my Saviour, Trump is my President” T-shirt.

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ITVX is a terrible name. It sounds like a porn site where the actors are soap opera extras.