BREAKING: Yankee Stadium has elected a rival New York pope

lunch meat being a carcinogen is good news for me in the sense that I love a big ass sandwich AND there’s never been a better time to speed-run some cancer

can’t worry about “Whiskey Friday” if I’m already dead from “Turpentine Tuesday”

learned to love olives and hot sauce this year which is actually the REAL sign of a fully developed frontal lobe

I landed a new tv producing gig and a title bump! It pays more than I’ve ever made before! I got married! I rediscovered my love of performing and auditioned for a play for the first time in TEN YEARS!!! I got cast in said play!!! 2025 taught me the mostttttt 🥲

Ah yes, the noble state bird of NJ, the chicken cutlet

auld lang SIKEEEE gotcha you dumb little bitch

OH YOU NAMED A BULLDOG “CHURCHILL”??? WOW CANT WAIT TO HIT YOU UP FOR MORE ONE-OF-A-KIND NEVER BEEN DONE BEFORE CREATIVE IDEAS!!!

fav guilty pleasure? Unfocusing my eyes on command like a sick lizard

I like to think I would be immune to joining a cult but then I remember that I’ve willingly paid for improv classes

Bear market (bad??) Bull market (good??) Labubu market (ghost of Karl Marx is glaring at me from across the room??)

blah blah blah got married blah blah blah looked good blah blah blah I love my husband blah blah blah smash that like button

TOMORROW’S THE DAY!!!

CLIPPING. BUILT. CHARACTER.

ordered some pork dumplings earlier tonight and I kept saying “when are my little dumpies gonna get here?!?” and then my fiancé called off the wedding

ⓘ this user has made corn dogs their entire personality

when I die I hope I’m greeted by an angel playing a theremin instead of a harp

this economy is no longer conducive to being a TJ Maxxinista

brb putting a “lobotomy fund” on my wedding registry :)

if I ever got a mouthful of obscenely large veneers you better believe you’d see me outside taking bites out of cinderblocks just because I can

I'll follow my passions as soon as I feel something ever again

Cacio y PEEE-PEEE

I used to get mad at people making fun of me for my Philly accent. But now it’s all just wooder under the bridge.

yesterday was perfect. no notes. Go Birds forever 🦅

Look I know it’s now 40 - 6 (lolololol) but this photo is amazing and I’m on another plane of existence and I still cant let myself believe this is real I love Philadelphia, I love south Jersey, I love this team I love being from this place.

HELLO SHE’S READY TELL HER SHE’S AMAZING AND DON’T FORGET TO SAY “GO BIRDS” 🦅

can’t sleep. just discovered I’m the chicken of the sea mermaid. much to ponder.

(GIANT KAIJU EMERGES IN THE ATLANTIC OCEAN) ugh can we not? sorta got a lot going on rn

I think my brain has made a deliberate choice to atrophy. You know, as a coping mechanism

I’m literally ready to write a whole ass academic paper about why Cowboy Carter absolutely deserved Best Country Album at the Grammys. The weird gatekeeping people are doing without having any historical knowledge of what country music is ACTUALLY rooted in is making me wanna PULL MY HAIR OUT!!!

I think one of the ways I know I’m truly a bisexual is that one second I’m losing my mind over the Eagles going to the Super Bowl (very straight) and the next I’m losing my mind over Lady Gaga resurrecting dark pop with Abracadabra (very gay)

I forgot it was possible to be happy with the Grammys lmao

Sabrina Carpenter shouted out Bala Cynwyd on the Grammys tonight because it’s the town where she took vocal lessons but when I shout out Bala Cynwyd it’s because it’s the town where I had surgery on my face to remove skin cancer lol

Sometimes I think about how my high school theater director said he would never do Grease because it was about “sex and cars” but then proceeded to have us do Oliver. A musical where a man beats a prostitute to death :)

going to south jersey / Philly for the weekend primarily to do a wedding cake tasting but ALSO primarily to “Go Birds” every man woman and child within earshot every two seconds

And you know what? I’m rooting for her.

nothing gold can stay. except the toilet. please don’t take my solid gold toilet.

the mercury in tuna fish is good for me actually

listen. LISTEN. I didn’t post for two weeks because I was busy (sad) and needed to go outside a lot and do cool things (cry)

OK IM BACK WHO MISSED ME!?

I’m getting married exactly six months from today and anytime someone refers to me as “the bride” I’m just like:

every winter I long to take my true form:

got the first cry of 2025 under my belt so we can only go up from here babes

Ok but like SHOULD auld acquaintance be forgot?? Asking for a friend.

Hey I’m not about to go into 2025 pretending that avocados are good. You’re all lying to me and I’m tired of this little charade!

Haven’t posted in three days tell me you missed me or I’m putting a preemptive hex on your 2025!!!

Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 24 hours of a Christmas Story on TBS

I know I’m truly back at home in the Philly suburbs when I take a shower and dry myself off with not one, but TWO Wawa Hoagiefest towels