I don’t know about you guys but if I was going to start a political party I do it with people who both agree with and like me.

I’m not saying I’m bad at cooking but, and I mean this in the most literal possible sense, I just shot boiling hot carbonara up the gusset of my pyjamas.

“I have never authorised attacks on my cabinet” says Kier Starmer, plausibly denying the deniable operations of his enormous staff of political operators.

Every car is self driving, they’re just bad at it.

I mean, to be fair my favourite thing about the Conservative government was the ever tightening death spiral of increasingly unpopular leaders at the end of which the party buried itself in the ground at nine thousand miles an hour. Good luck to Wes Streeting.

Saw an advert for an “immersive Titanic experience”, which surely was the problem with the original Titanic experience.

Wallace’s attempts to excuse wrong doing by putting the blame on his autism ring hollow. Although to be fair, and I really do feel this was overlooked by the mainstream press, none of this would have happened if to begin with the police had taken the threat of that penguin seriously.

My housemate is attempting to make hot cross buns, and judging by the amount of swearing I can hear in the kitchen they are definitely one of those things.

Apropos of nothing when I went to google “man attempts to access women’s changing room” it auto corrects to “man attempts to enter hogwarts”. Two fantasies of the same deranged mind

Going to rent a big bus and drive round the country doing code breaking in different towns. I’m Alan Touring.

Clocking in for another day of bringing up the PIAT. It’s tankless work.

If these guys shoot like the Uber guys drive it's going to be guillotines in the square by middle of next week.

Bigger AND the same price? Can you even fucking imagine?

It’s important to understand the distinction between catfishing, which is deplorable, and cat fishing, which is adorable.

My show “Much Peril Many Intrigue” comes to Leicester Comedy Festival in the 14th. Two tickets for the price of one tickets with code “241PERIL” www.justthetonic.com/leicester-co...

So unbelievably angry that the solution to all my problems is to improve and develop in the things that give me joy and purpose.

Surely media training 101 is “don’t accidentally do a Nazi salute”? I think on that basis we can assume that all Nazi salutes are a choice.

I’m excited for AI to rip the guts out of all these industries and then suddenly get way more expensive.

“Cut taxes. Fuck public services and fuck you all. Nobody deserves anything in this world. Also, is anyone willing to personally fight the inferno near my mansion? I’m willing to give you any and all of my bottle caps!”

I'm all for the elimination of Facebook/Instagram fact checkers and believe that we should all take a more vibes-based approach to truth. For too long has the tyranny of objectivity held sway.

"What trillion-dollar problem is AI trying to solve?" Wages. They're trying to use it to solve having to pay wages.

One movie. Remade with the original cast. Directed by any Muppet of your choice.

Charles Dickens [a idiot]: one marley Brian Henson [a brain]: two marley, song

My favourite superheroes are Spiderman since he has all the powers of a spider, and Catwoman since he has all the powers of a catwo.

Poor character written by an author who has experienced poverty: My problem is that I'm $300 short on the rent and now my car is making a noise Poor character written by a rich author: My problem is that I feel so inferior beside these beautiful, sophisticated rich people

A huge barred owl flew down a Virginia family’s chimney, knocked over the star on top of their Christmas tree, and perched himself on top www.wusa9.com/article/life...

This show is so funny and def worth watching!!!

More and more as time goes on I think this whole place is going to burn down and the only real decision we have now is whether we strike the match before these billionaire super villains.

The world's richest man managed to take $190 million away from a *child cancer research center* with his posts yesterday. Funding now stripped in the new bill.

got my dad a book of lizard innuendo

It's the relentlessness of it, isn't it. All the avenues we used to have to earn a living, one by one, and now we have to waste so much time on this shit, just to plead with our government to not drive us completely into the ground. All for some rich people to keep getting richer.

Handy resource. Here’s what you need to do to respond to the government’s craven and disgraceful AI-friendly creator-opt-out copyright change proposals. I’m going to do the lot.

Christmas shopping for older men is so much easier if you think about it like robbing a house in Skyrim: Wheels of cheese. Smoked meat. A nice basket. Some sort of axe. Gem that hums.

It's nearly time to reveal my Quote Of The Year 🥳 In preparation, here's last year's one: a corker, from The Guardian 🤣

Would like to remind everyone of the best sequence of panels of all time

BREAKING: People at Top of Extremely Cruel Society Don't Like It When Anyone Gets Angry at Society's Cruelty

when someone is rude to me it always reminds me of the book 1984

A gentle breeze rocks the house of cards.

A tool you cannot trust systematically is not a useful tool

Carry-On, Netflix’s Christmas action blockbuster cost $47 million to make. $40 million of which was spent in post-production to digitally remove every time Taron Egerton said “ooh, matron”.

Visiting my parents to explain that I have not, in actual fact, died.

There are 4 million kids in poverty.

my full special comes out on youtube tomorrow! tell a friend!

Labour’s ban on puberty blockers seems like an appeal to traditional conservative voters, who at this point have been pretty clear about their intention to abandon the party over tax issues anyway. Just layer upon layer of stupidity.

I guess we’re back to everything being bad forever. www.bbc.com/news/article...