Bob Eggers' new film looks like a hoot!

Big fan of the new monkey

One of life's simple pleasures: implying that somebody purchasing a large amount of toilet roll is gearing up for a monster shitting session

Ah, do you know what? Turns out I had a fair bit riding on that, mentally speaking

I'm a single-issue voter - MP security. Reform's mech-suits for parliamentarians policy has won me over.

For all of the spiders and snakes, Australia seems to've primarily worked to develop a whole order of animals whose key feature is 'bouncing'

A poem - insufficient punchline for live performance.

If our politicians have legitimate concerns about their security, I propose that the Bibby Stockholm be repurposed as a large, floating, maximum-security dormitory.

2046: FIFA's Revolutionary Action Group works to foment separatist fervour in potential breakaway republics across the globe to facilitate Infantino's 300 nation World Cup.

Posing a new theory: UFOs are real, aliens are not. The craft just go around of their own accord.

Whilst it is rewarding to consider a 'Pope Brad,' it is significantly moreso to envisage 'Pope Brad II'

Hey guys meta announced a new policy where they send a killer to get you so be sure to go to settings>my account > killer> disable killer to turn that off

What many visiting the Bayeux Tapestry are missing is the post-credits tapestry several metres to the right which teases the return of Harald Hardrada.

BREAKING: Britain has dropped the Buzz Tsar Bomba on itself

Mother has enshittified my weekend with a sanction for misbehaviour.

It's a hardware shop but all of the tools are made of wool. So is the shopkeeper. He catches on something and unwittingly unravels as he makes his way into the back to find you a specific screw.

Flip the script: ask colleagues if they have any Nasty Plans for their holidays

Fun fact: no one actually knows how an eel may be killed

Got my lists mixed up - wound up giving my weakest soldiers a truly diabolical run of battles

I have lost my 2026 bingo card. I have no idea what was on it.

Should England's game go to penalties and a win, the firework framing the arse it's shoved up, the sleep-deprived copper's helmet and baton against the dawn will be truly beautiful.

Poem

[Road rage pope]: You're excommunicated! You're excommunicated! And you're excommunicated! Put your hands and the car and prepare to be branded a heretic!

Two little egrets in the Lea for my birthday

Personally, I'm looking forward to Robert Eggers' Piers Plowmanne

Funding housing construction over increasing military spending would be typical of 'Bonehead Burnham' - with more investment in the armed forces, you have more good and efficient wars. Better wars mean less people need housing.

Britain, 2030: Andy Burnham has given mayors too much power. Breakaway city states, presided over by hyper powerful mayors battle for supremacy.

Tasksub: eight comedians order a wretch to undertake a variety of escalating humiliations in the vain hope of praise

Your honour, but I was merely bezzling!

[Former Starmer loyalist on breakfast TV circuit this morning]: I have always wanted to kiss and fuck Andy Burnham

If I were Burnham I'd just not run for a laugh

Political scientists are describing the process currently seen in the UK as an advanced state of 'Belgiumisation'

After all of this, we can at least say that - just for a little while - Sir Keir Starmer was Prime Minister of the UK

I have helped two large beetles get upright today. One an enormous stag beetle. Feeling good about that.

"Sexy Andy Burnham is set to mount a challenge from the north against formerly-sexy but now effete and ineffectual Keir Starmer! God, this is like Game of Thrones." Yeah it is, in that I wish you would shut up about it.

BBC keeps using pictures of Sir Richard Knighton where he looks haunted. As a counterpoint here's one where he looks like he's coming up.

A critique of late-stage capitalism... with shit and vomit | Alternative comedy group Consignia on their Unforgettable 5 gigs http://dlvr.it/TT3F0V

Detecting a lot of negativity, so I'm declaring that I am having 'friend time' - I'm about to declare all and sundry FRIEND

I like what they've done to the ref

Negative feelings about this World Cup aside, I am a sucker for a sweepstake and associated banter. As such, I am putting out an open call for mild jingoistic sparring regarding any of my teams/their opponents. Come on, the mighty - Curacao - Australia - Tunisia - Morocco - Mexico - Spain

Gulls going hard at a drone flying around Greenwich. Good on 'em.

Regrettably, an error meant that I underpaid by $2 for my World Cup Stadia Toilet Pass subscription and am being renditioned to a FIFA penalty black-site in Death Valley

Hello FIFA - here's my idea: Fit the balls with audio equipment so that they can advertise brands to players in-game. Building a clear association between scoring the winner and a chicken sandwich from Popeye's in the striker's head would be - in sporting parlance - a home run.

You're on the international space station and the doorbell goes and there's an alien there. Wyd?

Hearing that each seat at the world cup is having a pole erected in front of it which spectators can pay to have lowered.

By the age of 30 Zoroaster had already met Vohu Manah and learnt about Asha and Druj - what have you done??

Four Nintendo 3DSs, Peter Murrell? That's insane.

[Disclosure Day spaceship bursts through the clouds and the aliens address mankind through an otherworldly PA system]: WE ARE LEGALLY REQUIRED TO TELL YOU THAT WE ARE A REGISTERED SEX OFFENDER

Lotus Eating With Tod

Ruin a movie by gargling throughout.