I see your sexy Lincoln statues and raise you Kermit the Frog

the brains are so broken on the bad site

I was on an escalator that stopped once. I almost died. I had to be rescued by the fire department and it made the local news. Never been so terrified in my life.

The rapture just came for a fruit fly that was bugging me all morning

Now that RFK Jr has discovered the true cause of autism is Tylenol, can we have our vaccines back?

Eating the whole bottle of Tylenol to prove it’s safe

Oooh, Bring a Trailer accepted my submission, looks like that’s probably how I’m gonna sell my car. Should be interesting

Go woke go broke right?

It worries me that I’m seeing so many tweets about the rapture, like... Did I miss it? Did it happen while I was watching football? I’m out of the loop

Honestly, if you do this at my funeral I won’t be upset

I hate being a football fan today

I hope he fights the pope. And I hope the pope gives him a good ol Chicago ass whoopin

We have a literal serial killer for a president

I was at a party last weekend and a guy showed up wearing these. I spent the rest of the night avoiding being in the same room with him, because god only knows what those glasses are doing to MY privacy let alone the wearer’s

If Trump runs for a third term, Obama should too

I didn’t realize it wasn’t just the lefties here with no concept of what jokes are

The first thing I think of when I see Kimmel getting shut down is all of his staff, who don’t have millions of dollars, and who are about to be suddenly stuck without a job in a shitty job market where the cost of living is too high

Getting fired from my job for tweeting “Charlie Kirk, more like Charlie Jerk”

when your death steals the news cycle from a nazi punk

Calling peoples' employers in a rage because their tributes to Robert Redford weren't horny enough

See also: any tweets I’ve made to the same effect about Minnesota

I hope nobody finds my tweets about how the Bears suck and sends them to my employer demanding my termination for speaking ill of the dead

The wedding I’m playing at tonight has a ranch dressing fountain. Midwestern small towns, man

Picking out a guitar and amp to bring before each gig takes me like half an hour, this is ridiculous

Not sure what’s worse, what he said, or how the other two didn’t gasp out loud when he said it

I will never understand how it came to be that “campus free speech crusader” is the moniker you get from the media if you keep a public enemies list of professors who say things you don’t like

That both of Turning Point USA’s founders are dead from public health crises their organization worked hard to enable is a parable for our time.

Personally I wouldn’t insinuate that most of my customers are murder people

I think the sun is flat

For many, the promise of woo is something you can’t argue with. Modern medicine is a way of managing your body’s decline. You face tradeoffs and side effects because you can’t really be fully fixed. Woo promises what medicine can’t - that if you make the right choices, you can fully be healed.

Our top halves will be AI, our legs will be normal? Ok I guess

Can’t wait until Trump decides we need to charge people in other countries tariffs to access American websites

Jesus Christ I was joking when I tweeted that

When they do the national anthem on tv I always stand up and take my hat off and sing along, with a tear in my eye

Discovered that Wife Swap is on Hulu, filed under “drama, romance” and wow I didn’t realize they let the husbands fuck their temporary new wives

But did he sign it with an autopen

An underrated effect of RFK Jr’s reign of terror at HHS is that a bunch people’s lives are going end like they’re in an Oregon Trail game. You might die of cholera, bet you weren’t worried about that before. Well you should be now.

I’ve missed football so much. The football gods took pity on me and gave my favorite team a blowout win vs their chief division rival, and then also saw fit to bless us all with Bills vs. Ravens tonight

WHAT is this game?! Wowie

Oh man this packers game is fun

good rule to live by on this site: if OP is one of those resistance accounts that follows ten thousand or more people, ignore the post

Humans are the natural predator of the Twinkie

Trump was Q all along

Normal people can’t even afford to do this crime

He finally found a mouse he won’t savagely kill and then eat

Someone should kill Kennedy. No, not that one. No, not that one.

Thanks to RFK Jr., I miss 100% of the shots I don't take.

I guess this is what it looks like when you get tired of winning