If your argument to defend the Trump policies that are ruining the country and affecting millions is "I'm doing fine"; then that about sums up all we need to know about your character.

Sometimes I see the people Facebook suggests I add as friends and it makes me feel like I need to smack Mark Zuckerberg on the snout.

Felt hideous, deleted immediately.

So long, Dick Cheney…

MULLIN: There was a sweetheart plea deal that was struck in 2009 under Obama TAPPER: No. It was 2008. The US attorney was Alex Acosta. He was a Bush appointee. He went on to become Trump's secretary of labor M: Who was in office at the time? T: Bush M: No. Obama was in office TAPPER: Not true

I dressed up as an ICE agent for the Halloween party. And by that I mean I was too much of a coward to even show my face.

Call me a dork but I think you should always, and I mean Always, wear a condom. Well, except when you're having sex, then it kinda ruins everything.

I can't believe we're wasting all this money on a stupid ballroom when we could be using it to send more bailout cash to Argentina.

Congratulations to Donald Trump for finally completing all of Al-Qaeda's 9/11 goals. Osama would be proud.

If at this point you still don't know that semi-trucks make wide right turns, then you deserve to smash your car into an 18-wheeler.

“Why are you protesting kings?? There’s no kings here!” These are the same people that constantly bitch and moan about Communism in America even though the USA has never even come close to being a Communist country. But god forbid you raise your voice against something that is actually happening.

For all those people that like to claim racial discrimination is a thing of the past in this country, think about this - it's been over 20 years since Old Dirty Bastard died and most states still refuse to recognize his birthday as a holiday. For shame, AmeriKKKa.

Apparently the Nobel Prize committee didn't hear about Donald Trump's groundbreaking Tylenol research.

Mark Sanchez would be a better QB option for the Cincinnati Bengals. And I'm talking about Right Now, At age 38, Stabbed. #NFL

I hate that they were being censored, but I miss the days when Pussy Riot was in the news, just because I loved hearing serious newscasters have to regularly say the words "Pussy Riot". It's too bad Anal Cunt was never on Putin's radar.

They're just like us.

Show idea for the next Riyadh Comedy Festival: An open-mic where everyone gets one minute to perform and if the host panel doesn't like the comic's set they get dismembered. It's called Kill Kashoggi. Where's my $500,000?

Not gonna lie, I'd probably do the Riyadh Comedy Festival in Saudi Arabia, but that's just because I heard the Taliban might be there and I really want to get into the JiHAHAd Comic Competition.

The term "Legend" is overused. To me the only true legend is the one that can tell you the meaning of every symbol on a map.

This is the first time Donald Trump and RFK Jr have given women pregnancy guidance that didn't involve cash and the address of an abortion clinic.

Women's Waterpolo might as well change its name to Competitive Come On Titty!

For everyone that keeps asking me who my favorite trampolinist is- it is, was, and always will be this guy. #TeamDongDong

Want to piss off a right-winger while exposing just how ignorant they are? Just repeat their hero’s own words.

What an unfortunately worth it thing to happen…

In times like this the best a nation can hope for is to be fortunate enough to have a wise level-headed leader with the calm sensibility to inspire serenity in times of extreme divisiveness. America is not that nation.

If you ever wondered what current comics would've done South Africa during Apartheid, now you know.

Regretfully I will not be able to attend the Riyadh Comedy Festival as I had already accepted an invitation to Kim Jong Un's Pyongyang Laughapalooza.

Step 1: Remove all Confederate memorial statues and gather them to be relocated at Confederate Heritage museums. Step 2: Designate every landfill in America as a Confederate Heritage museum.

Freed slaves are off the chain.

I don't think Sam Waterston gets enough credit for warning us about the dangers of robots attacks.

You ever see someone change their relationship status to "Engaged" and you have to hold yourself back from typing "LOL"?

Track 1 (Hitler Time Machine) from my (Carlos Valencia) first album (It Gets Worse). Full album on YouTube youtu.be/pf71UN6eOVo?... #Standup #standupcomedy #comedy

Nancy Grace is the worst person in the world. Track 10 from Carlos Valencia’s 2015 standup comedy album “It Gets Worse”. #Standup #comedy #standupcomedy #NancyGrace

If they just made a "No Readjustment of the Bikini" rule, Women's Beach Volleyball would be the most popular sport in the history of the world.

Due to all the backlash expressed after the official announcement I've decided to step down from my position with the Minnesota Vikings cheerleading squad. Way to crush a boy's dream. I hope you're happy.

From my first album (It Gets Worse) available in full on YouTube. (carlosvcomedy) #FoxNews #WWE

20 years ago this week I did standup comedy for the first time. For that reason, and others, I decided to rerelease my album on YouTube. Check it out if you feel so inclined… youtu.be/pf71UN6eOVo?...

The first acting gig I ever booked was portraying a character called "Church Patron". Needless to say, my acting skills were pushed to the limit.

Privacy breach lawsuit settlements have effectively become my most reliable secondary source of income.

If you need a place to hide your cash at home stash it inside a box of Lucky Charms. If your money gets stolen then at least you know that cereal is a fraud.

If doing a minute on Kill Tony counts as a comedy credit then I'm going to change my intro to "Once won $2 on a scratch-off".

Since Mario Paint is trending here’s a picture of my Mario Paint mouse pad I still own to this day.

Trump supporters, just know that every time you praise him, there's 1,000+ examples we could give you of how stupid he is. We just don't do it because we don't have that kind of time. Just because you decided to dedicate your life to worshipping a pedophile doesn't mean the rest of us have to too.

Not to get all nostalgic, but I was just thinking today about how much I loved watching Perfect Strangers when I was a kid. I think my favorite was when a bunch of bitches would show up at the apartment and cousin Larry would fuck the shit out of them while Balki recorded from the cuck chair.

I'm done with the tyranny of stand-up setlist shaming. If a band can bring a setlist on stage, so can I. "But, Carlos, a lot of musicians drink and do drugs before their concerts that's why they need a reminder so everyone can be on the same page..." Yeah, I KNOW. Same!

Hulkamaniac-Depressive Disorder: A mental illness characterized by extreme shifts in mood, ranging from manic highs where the subject wants to run in a ring and rip their shirt off, to depressive lows where they want to fuck their best friend's wife and say the N word.

Hey God, wrong Theo.

This is just the latest version of dummies duping themselves through technology. It's the AI equivalent of people who "Do their own research" by searching for YouTube videos that confirm their bias. At least this guy only hurt himself, Trumpedos are bringing down the whole country with their idiocy