My brother and his wife are scarecrow spotting in Goathland. I wasn’t jealous until I saw the photos

fuck fuck fuck fuck FUCK this government I hate them so fucking much and no I will not be their fucking toilet gestapo. fuck off. go and die. not even Reform are this fucking obsessed you US evangelical money-pilled fuck ups GO AWAY

I come back to the pub to discover the quiz team that won the Daewoo Foot Spa did NOT take it home. I may have underestimated the low appeal of a charity shop foot spa. Maybe I shouldn’t have said “they were probably found dead in that”. Lessons to be learned

I find myself in the mood less often these days, but sometimes the old urge overwhelms me

This is, as they say, the good stuff.

Seashore. Bird Tweet. Telephone Ring. Helicopter. Applause. Gunshot. They stopped thinking of instruments and started making a radio play at the end

Streeting’s face seems very robust. I wouldn’t be happy punching it. I feel like he’s just not vulnerable there

ME: i’ll have a martini BARTENDINATOR: come with me if you want olive ME: you can get them by yourself you know BARTENDINATOR: get out ME: no really it’s true BARTENDINATOR: …i’ll be back

This is one of my favourite things, someone liking a picture of a pet and drawing it. Your tiny idiot, a muse

Didn’t know how seriously the Sandy Lane Stables books would take their lore. I’m very pleased to discover the opening pages are given over to a map of the stables and surrounding fields, followed by a larger scale map putting the stables in the context of the nearby pig farm

Read the synopsis of Flashdance and it sounds less like “dancing for my life” and more like “dancing with the full support of my handsome boss Nick and mentor Hanna”

I know this ketchup is going to be cheap and tart as hell and I can’t wait to eat it all

Seems like a good day to remind people that Armando Iannucci co-hosts a podcast with Helen Lewis, making any opinion on him other than "Why hasn't he apologised to the trans community before disappearing from public life?" wholly irrelevant.

Going to a Pet Shop Boys gig of non-singles and obscurities tonight. Gonna whisper “whats this one called” until someone punches me

I still get angry that half of the Countdown Clock is never used They could have had a lovely semi-circle, made the second hand twice as big, and dangled leather tassels off it But no

Marco Rubio exits, with commentary from One Man and his Dog.

I have GOT to check out the award winning zoo at Flamingo Land

When Ubers detect an invader they clamber onto it and open and close their doors in unison to generate lethal heats of up to 46C

As a child, I thought “even educated fleas do it” seemed like a human acknowledgement of the value of a commonly devalued species Now I see the hidden emphasis on “educated”, implying that fleas live in a society where a libertine educated class live above a peasant class who are not allowed love

‘The word “spoonerism” comes from my preference for being the big spoon during this invigorating process’ Samuel Danks Waddy

Love that girl’s ambition

Bought my mum a walker from a local place that I later saw had a Reform poster in the window. That’s a punitive donation to the Greens then

When there was one set of footprints, that’s when you’d stopped to take a photo you’d never look at again, of some crap that’d caught your eye, and I was like “please, I just want to get home before it gets dark”

On my way to First Aid training. Can’t wait to break your ribs if you so much as blink slowly

Thinking about the Goodies' Trandem and discovered a nugget of old, good, beautiful internet www.goodiesinfoguide.com/trandem-guide

Every time I see Hamnet my failing brain thinks “haha, hamlet with pigs, lol” and then has to go through the process of realising, once again, that ham is already in hamlet. I know it came out ages ago. This is still happening to me

Have you tried Scampi Fry on a Red Leicester Mini Cheddar? Get back to me with how you went on, I love seeing your food pictures

Went to see Mother’s Pride with my mum because I’m a GOOD KID. The low stakes sense of decency and inevitable justice was nice, but I do think the script could have done with a few more c bombs coming in from broadside

I’m going around a friend’s house for cheese soup. I have kept myself in deliberate ignorance so I can enjoy it like I did From Dusk Til Dawn

Boyfriend just said “et al”, knowing I’d grab that low hanging fruit and say “who’s Al”. But the “et al” included a person called Al so he just told me who Al was. I am not safe in my own home this is an outrage

Married With Children but fish, hear me out

Gorton and Denton sound like two muppets in the box on the opposite side of the stage, being nice about all the acts “Statler and Waldorf’s relentless politics of negativity is turning voters off”

Fuck yeah Gorton Fuck yeah Denton

I want a Rocky for my home and I want Rockies everywhere I go. I want them in every cupboard I open. A Rocky in every room in every house, doing that face

Love to visit a town and download their parking app

I can’t say I like either of these, but I like the one on the left, a fuchsite, more than I like the phacups on the right

Can’t believe the disrespectful way Miss Finch is sitting in Higgins’ chair

Oh oh god damn it, I lived in London for like ten years, and I never stood in front of the war museum in a way that made it look like the sign might say warm cum

Listening to an audiobook series on the recommendation of a pub regular. By the second book the narrator appears to have run out of non problematic accents. Feels dead naughty

Chased her around my mum’s house trying to grab a block of butter out of her mouth and now I’M the arsehole

It’s been 16 million colours for decades now. That’s only 4,096 in real terms. The visible spectrum is over

I’m not sharing my seat with a baby dalek I don’t care if people tut

Winter Olympics giving me a new game dev fetish

omg everybody go draw a horse this is what the internet was made for gradient.horse

Another morning of “oh no so much to do, I literally cannot approach this logistical conundrum”, only to be asked by my boyfriend what it is I have to do, and it is two very easy things

D... D... Dr. Dr I- Dr I am- Dr I am sad... Dr I am sad. Aid me? Dr I am sad. Aid me? "See clown!" Dr I am sad. Aid me? "See clown!" That clown...is me! - The Pagliacci Sequence

If my mum doesn’t stop going on about Guy Martins cheeky smile, and how all the men on the lifeboats loved him, I swear I’m going to ask her who he is

Just realised I have been reading deskilling as desk-killing, and am very glad I realised before anyone asked me what I thought AI was doing to the workforce “You know. Sacking people. Killing their desks if you will”

Okay wow. We're SO CLOSE to 100 reviews. When we get 100, the algorithm sits up and PROPERLY takes notice of us, which will make a *world* of difference. The strongest way right now to support Size Five is to grab a copy and drop a review asap. Your help means everything to me, thank you ❤️

Is it really thirty years since I first thought CHANNEL 4 TOOK THE RISK WITH BIG NIGHT OUT YOU LYING GETS