Finally I understand why Ron Swanson laughed and cried at that strawberry, in The Last Of Us. I just had the same reaction. I laughed because it’s a stupid tiny strawberry for babies. And I cried because I wanted a bigger strawberry

Getting scab shamed by the whoo hoo guy

I’m going to Asda today, with a barcode I’ve been WhatsApped by a customer. He says “the immigrants are using it to get steak for 50p”. He used it to buy 16 steaks and I’m really curious as to how it all works, what the barcode is actually for. Hate to hear this garbage from people I like

I brought Buzzballs home, and it’s over for us bitches

Dawn Foster died five years ago on this date. I really miss her and I think about her every day. If you’re new to her work or want to introduce it to someone, this was the best tribute written about her: tribunemag.co.uk/2021/07/in-m... Dawn Foster Forever

Terrible news, but we’ll always have this

I post all my two calorie takes on Tik Tak

Just found out birds pant like dogs, after wondering why all the crows I saw today had their beaks open. Fuckin birds, man

No, large stuffed bear, I’m doing my Monday errands. I don’t have time for side quests

Spent hours feeling anxious and uncomfortable in bed, achieved three big noisy toilets between 1 and 2am, now passionately believes three big noisy night toilets can fix anyone

Reading this 1982 comedy book about gay masculinity and the phrase “someone has to maul your tits to the brink of disaster” has stopped me dead, imagining the narrowly avoided disaster

The urge to copy a Fighting Fantasy book into Twine, just to see, has needlessly arisen

Just lost a game of Yahtzee in which I rolled two Yahtzees, and now my enemy is singing about the inefficiency of my flamboyant style, and regaling me with the tale of The Tortoise and the Hare

Punched a lovely cat today

Great news for me! I have got a big lava lamp. I’m not interested in the classic bloopy wormballs stage so much, I’m mainly into the column of tortured souls effect when heated wax over-ambitiously launches itself into the still cool water. Check out this nasty brain! What a treat

Enjoying a Moth pre-mixed cocktail half way up a small Tenby cliff (the one on the toilet earlier didn’t touch touch the sides)

Enjoying a Moth pre-mixed cocktail on a Tenby hotel toilet

The Nottingham Campus of Oxford Business School have replaced their branded signs with these profoundly meaningless genAI billboards. Is Oxford Business School a scam? I never see anyone going in or out. But they’ve got adverts on busses. How does world work? Is anything real. Hello

I am currently £3,900 in credit with BT because I signed a 3 year contract for a £40/month service, they tried charging me £150/month, and the only resolution available to this very large company with big computers was to give me 36 lots of £110 back and ask if they could close the complaint

My brother and his wife are scarecrow spotting in Goathland. I wasn’t jealous until I saw the photos

fuck fuck fuck fuck FUCK this government I hate them so fucking much and no I will not be their fucking toilet gestapo. fuck off. go and die. not even Reform are this fucking obsessed you US evangelical money-pilled fuck ups GO AWAY

I come back to the pub to discover the quiz team that won the Daewoo Foot Spa did NOT take it home. I may have underestimated the low appeal of a charity shop foot spa. Maybe I shouldn’t have said “they were probably found dead in that”. Lessons to be learned

I find myself in the mood less often these days, but sometimes the old urge overwhelms me

This is, as they say, the good stuff.

Seashore. Bird Tweet. Telephone Ring. Helicopter. Applause. Gunshot. They stopped thinking of instruments and started making a radio play at the end

Streeting’s face seems very robust. I wouldn’t be happy punching it. I feel like he’s just not vulnerable there

ME: i’ll have a martini BARTENDINATOR: come with me if you want olive ME: you can get them by yourself you know BARTENDINATOR: get out ME: no really it’s true BARTENDINATOR: …i’ll be back

This is one of my favourite things, someone liking a picture of a pet and drawing it. Your tiny idiot, a muse

Didn’t know how seriously the Sandy Lane Stables books would take their lore. I’m very pleased to discover the opening pages are given over to a map of the stables and surrounding fields, followed by a larger scale map putting the stables in the context of the nearby pig farm

Read the synopsis of Flashdance and it sounds less like “dancing for my life” and more like “dancing with the full support of my handsome boss Nick and mentor Hanna”

I know this ketchup is going to be cheap and tart as hell and I can’t wait to eat it all

Seems like a good day to remind people that Armando Iannucci co-hosts a podcast with Helen Lewis, making any opinion on him other than "Why hasn't he apologised to the trans community before disappearing from public life?" wholly irrelevant.

Going to a Pet Shop Boys gig of non-singles and obscurities tonight. Gonna whisper “whats this one called” until someone punches me

I still get angry that half of the Countdown Clock is never used They could have had a lovely semi-circle, made the second hand twice as big, and dangled leather tassels off it But no

Marco Rubio exits, with commentary from One Man and his Dog.

I have GOT to check out the award winning zoo at Flamingo Land

When Ubers detect an invader they clamber onto it and open and close their doors in unison to generate lethal heats of up to 46C

As a child, I thought “even educated fleas do it” seemed like a human acknowledgement of the value of a commonly devalued species Now I see the hidden emphasis on “educated”, implying that fleas live in a society where a libertine educated class live above a peasant class who are not allowed love

‘The word “spoonerism” comes from my preference for being the big spoon during this invigorating process’ Samuel Danks Waddy

Love that girl’s ambition

Bought my mum a walker from a local place that I later saw had a Reform poster in the window. That’s a punitive donation to the Greens then

When there was one set of footprints, that’s when you’d stopped to take a photo you’d never look at again, of some crap that’d caught your eye, and I was like “please, I just want to get home before it gets dark”

On my way to First Aid training. Can’t wait to break your ribs if you so much as blink slowly

Thinking about the Goodies' Trandem and discovered a nugget of old, good, beautiful internet www.goodiesinfoguide.com/trandem-guide

Every time I see Hamnet my failing brain thinks “haha, hamlet with pigs, lol” and then has to go through the process of realising, once again, that ham is already in hamlet. I know it came out ages ago. This is still happening to me

Have you tried Scampi Fry on a Red Leicester Mini Cheddar? Get back to me with how you went on, I love seeing your food pictures

Went to see Mother’s Pride with my mum because I’m a GOOD KID. The low stakes sense of decency and inevitable justice was nice, but I do think the script could have done with a few more c bombs coming in from broadside

I’m going around a friend’s house for cheese soup. I have kept myself in deliberate ignorance so I can enjoy it like I did From Dusk Til Dawn

Boyfriend just said “et al”, knowing I’d grab that low hanging fruit and say “who’s Al”. But the “et al” included a person called Al so he just told me who Al was. I am not safe in my own home this is an outrage

Married With Children but fish, hear me out