I’m at a pub that’s doing carols. It’s quiet enough that every time I sing “virgins womb” or shit like that, it’s obvious to me that my voice is laughing, and that perception makes me snort and giggle. I think I’m gonna start a fight

They’re called whoopee pies because when the hungry workman took a bite out of one he would always say “who pee in my pie”

Thanks, I just had it stuffed

L’amour, c’est comme une cigarette You suck and then my butt gets wet youtu.be/2FRtX8ijU7s?...

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The Spectator is run by fascists. I was obsessed with Kylie Minogue and the fitness machines section of the Argos catalogue.

Replying to the council in judderingly formal language after they refused to cancel a parking ticket. My body is vibrating with the aggrieved and impotent frequency of a man who has been dumped by a building I sent two consecutive emails because something occurred to me. I do not remember dignity

Watched Kelly’s Shoes video again today, and I swear Sex Robot from Whitest Kids U Know was by the pool. Was that robot a jobbing actor in the mid aughts or what. Or is this a universe

Still thinking about the father son team on Lingo. They did crosswords together. The kid said his favourite word was defenestrate. Such a good choice. I would have said something try-hard like antidisestablishmentarianism at that age. He just exuded effortless cool

Watched Lion Witch Wardrobe this week, cos it’s Christmas. What a load of bollocks. Wanted to punch that dithering beaver. Quit pissing about with butter, so help me god. Aslan fuckin’ rates himself an all

Booker's website support desk has a 255 character limit, and after an initial wave of "how dare you disclose your form validation AFTER I click post", I realised exactly how much bullshit I write trying to be disarmingly sweet to people who just want to know what my goddamn problem is

Vape Madness is a real condition that tries to conceal itself by limiting its victims’ ability to type it

You’re feeling jaded, and then you see a driving instructor’s car emblazoned with sombreros and the name L-PASSO. And it feels like the world telling you there’s always something amazing you haven’t seen

It’s looking increasingly like the only way you can ensure your work wins an award is to ask me to do a voice for it

We’ve got to somehow get over this fear of dismissing tech bro philosophy as absolutely ignorant self-serving garbage

You like the A Team cos it’s cool, you hate the A Team cos you reckon you’re cool, you love the A Team again cos you get over yourself - CS Lewis, apparently

Play the man’s horse game what is wrong with you

Our local pub has started selling Roman Sourdoughs. They’re not allowed to call them pizzas. If you ask for a pizza, they are supposed to say “we don’t do pizza, but we do serve Roman Sourdoughs!” If you show them a pizza and say “what’s that” they point to a camera and hiss STOP IT

I’d go to the doctor with that

Just walked into a busy smoking area, said “chuffers galore” without thinking and immediately wanted to bully myself

This is true. The husband just found me having a little cry in my studio. He’s making me a hot Vimto and I’m having a word with myself. Have a look at my website and please repost. www.gailmyerscough.co.uk Thank you.

Had a first date dream that was going well until i saw a toilet in a garden and insisted on having a go on it. Unfortunately i started squirting out of my protruding coccyx and fell backwards into a hedge. My date walked off, tutting, so it probably wasn’t meant to be. Dodged a bullet there tbh

It’s taken hours, days! of jokes, but I’m finally ready to click that link and finding out what the pope’s four favourite films are

Trying to explain my observations on the behaviour of Daily Quests on your Duolingo multiplier to my boyfriend, fully aware that he does not care at all and just wants to learn a bit of welsh

The stir fry section in the big Sainsbury’s has gone! I had to go to five separate aisles to get everything. By the last ingredient, I was really getting into the gameplay loop

PSA for all trans girls, and I do mean all

Lost half a day to trying to place all the pubs around mine that were open in 1889, onto an 1881 map. Gonna put it up in my toilets to make my more dedicated drunks nostalgic for a time when booze was all there was

Does anyone repair disgusting dolls who look like they’ve left the door open on purpose, so you walk in on them naked

Magnum PI = 6.284

You know when you watch a movie with a horrible twist for a second time, and an irrational part of you thinks it might not happen this time? I get the same wild optimism whenever I walk past this pillar. God please let it just say it this time

Sharing a toastie at a National Trust and feeling middle-age wither into twilight

A hetero virus has made everyone straight, forcing us all to go on a voyage of self discovery to find the core of our queer identity. I am restored when I see a topless guy wearing two seatbelts

Had a dream about a website that was just photos of topless guys wearing two seatbelts. Captions like “sure you’re safe enough?!?” and “wait is that TWO seatbelts?” They looked like they were having a great time though. Made me want to try it

Cancelling a flexible rate hotel booking, and rebooking on the day for a cheaper fixed rate is so hot. The decadent moment when you have two rooms booked, like absolute monarchs. QUICKLY CANCEL IT HAHA hnng

My mum walked in on me playing Silksong. She said “what’s that awful noise?” I said “I’m playing my needolin to the barking fleas”, and she said “just don’t wipe it on the cushions”. That’s when a drawer slid open and a sock puppet started singing our theme tune

This shopping mall attraction was hollow. You could climb inside it and reach the head, only to find out that someone else was now inside. You were trapped, at the whim of a gurgling buffoon child, newly fed by their mother into the anus of a wooden caterpillar. Of course these days its all tiktoks

She’s so graceful when other dogs come up asking for an autograph

Is horsepower like body iq for horses. if you are a horse and you have 1.5 horsepower can you join horse body Mensa. Asking for a big horse

I’m going to paint a shed today. Can’t wait to pat that son of a gun on the roof and say “she’s ready to go”

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With all that stamping he does, he should be called Michael Philately!

Unless you’re some kind of puritanical fun-averse doofus, buy all of Size Five’s stuff and do everything else Dan says here. He’s mint, the games are funny and fantastic, and I’ve never been paid more promptly for any work I’ve done

I’ve stopped slamming my front door, because it makes a big spider pop down to check his web and I’m sick of apologising to him

Are they eating each others nails in Penge

I’m in the same game as Verso from Expedition 33?! This is the most erotic thing that’s happened to me since I slipped in that puddle of cum and fell into a pit of dicks

I cried with laughter and choked on my chocolate (not a euphemism)

You know when you see something and think oh my god that looks exactly the same as the dog from The Perishers but it turns out it doesn’t really

I don’t always look at who’s posting what so I can’t tell if everyone suddenly likes Prefab Sprout or one person if going through a prolonged episode of really liking Prefab Sprout

For every like this post gets I will be unnecessarily unpleasant about a song I don’t care for.