Why do I hate salad forks? Because they’re weak.

PSA: When you see Truck Nuts, kick them.

Ain’t no party like a cul de sac party cause a cul de sac party just stops.

I had a great dream last night. I was in school on my phone and a teacher told me to hang up and I said, “Shut up. This is a business call. I’m 46.” I woke up feeling like a million bucks.

“No,” said Frog.

BORN TO APPLY JOB MARKET IS A FUCK Apply For Em All 2026 I am job man 410,757,864,530 JOB APPLICATIONS

When was tickling invented. Did cavemen tickle each other?

The Strokes would have been a really great band no one had heard of. Alas.

It's a boring, horny, racist who just googles "white women"

Start naming kids Kermit again.

Straight Edge Dad doesn’t take his cholesterol medication because if you’re not now, you never were.

Charlotte's Web 2: When the farmer eats Wilbur, Charlotte spins a web saying 'Some Asshole'. Then the farmer wins an award for being an asshole.

You think of yourself as a good person, but deep down you know you’d laugh at Pee Wee for thinking there’s a basement at the Alamo.

Downloading the tor browser because you need to google, “Waldo Faldo”.

Think of your life. Now think of how much more pissed you’d be if at the beginning you had to break out of an egg.

Oh Yeah?! Well, the Jerk Store called and said they are discontinuing you and pivoting fully to A.I.

Happy Utepils!

The no-reply email address was created by cowards.

When I go there’ll be so many funny moments I forgot to tell you about.

Finally meeting Tom Hanks in real life after decades of loving his work: “What the fuck is a bosom buddy?”

None of this would have happened if you hadn't forgotten about Dre.

Birds fly. Bears don’t.

The thing about people at a Filter show is that at this point everyone knows their final show can only end one way, and they're all rolling the dice that THIS is going to be that show.

It's 2am on a Monday morning and the 24/7 A-Team youtube stream is just me and my 187 closest friends. We all love it when a plan comes together. www.youtube.com/watch?v=yUGO...

Hi. You don’t know me, but I am available to do your podcast.

My dad is the greatest.

Shout out to our friends in the postal service getting to enjoy the rare Sunday snow day with the rest of us for once.

When this is all over it's pop punk and new jack swing for everyone. Promise.

“I asked Chat GPT” Ok, well, I asked Dr. Bronner and he said: FAMILY SOAPMAKERS SINCE 1858. DR. BRONNER’S. 18-IN-1 HEMP TEA TREE. PURE-CASTILE SOAP. CERTIFIED FAIR TRADE. MADE WITH ORGANIC OILS. Ingredients: Water, Organic Coconut Oil*, Potassium Hydroxidet, Organic Palm Kernel Oil*, Organic Olive

If you threw a party And invited everyone you knew You would see the biggest gift would be from me And the card attached would say, “Why hasn’t it happened yet? Is it going to happen today? Why hasn’t someone done it? It has to happen soon, right? I mean, come on.”

ICE. They always get their mom.

Eh, close enough.

Not staying up to cheer on the new year like it’s already a hero. I’m going to sleep to give 2026 a seven hour head start at impressing me.

Damn.

That moment when you return from a lengthy time away and, just for a second, you can smell your house the way other people do. And then it’s gone, like a half remembered dream.

This is what you get when you follow this thread all the way down and that is because it is the right answer.

My father is peeling potatoes and I asked if I could help. “No I’m in zen right now.” I want to live in this moment forever.

HOME ALONE (2026): After Harry and Marv are released from prison they find Kevin’s house and burn it to the ground. His trademark “Waaauugh” is heard for miles.

So I can't stay on your bullshit island but you want me to get Santa, who hates me, to come here and save all those shitty toys?

Thanksgiving. The one day a year when Everything they say about Americans is true.

Wizard of Oz(1939) Dorothy immediately jumps to the conclusion she has traveled over the rainbow based on nothing. Zero evidence is given in the film to indicate that a rainbow is used in the measurement or orientation of the distance between Kansas and Oz.

I’m cool.

What I'm seeing every time someone is in the Criterion Closet.

As far as I'm aware, no superhero has a rogues gallery quite as consistently *bald* as Superman's ferocious flock of follicly-challenged foes. Dozens of chrome-domed criminals have made Superman the ire of their depilated deviousness over the decades, so let's meet SUPERMAN'S BALDEST FOES!

“Looks like tonight’s bath night.” [clicks shut down and restart]

June Squibb's Criterion Closet picks absolutely rule.

Holy crap. I made this happen with my mind!

Stop paying Jared Leto money.