I just got the best financial info: did you know money is cumulative? Like you don’t have to spend it all before you get the next money?

Every Seinfeld character would be voting Cuomo except Kramer who would be Sliwa’s campaign manager and forget to vote.

Every night I make a To Do list that hinges entirely on me waking up as a completely different person

CHICAGO! GLTS is finally coming on November 23 at The Den Theater with guests Nora Dunn, @katierich.bsky.social and @coltcabana.bsky.social ! Tag your Chicago Friends! Tickets are almost gone, grab them now before it’s sold out! georgelucastalkshow.com

@mollyknight.bsky.social I know there are more pressing things during this game for you but has anyone identified BlueJays Thor behind the plate? I’ll take my answer off air.

I JUST THINK THE WOMENS BASKETBALL IS SO WONDERFUL DOES THAT MAKE SENSE??!!

I guess the best thing about being a Bears fan is that dementia runs in my family so one day I’ll forget all this.

I didn’t even know they were dating

Thank you for your concern about the female NFL cheerleaders! I appreciate you also advocating for them to be properly compensated as the average NFL cheerleader salary is around $22,500 per year.

He meant so much to myself and my family. My nephew is named Ryne. Just devastating news. RIP Ryno. Thank you for all of it.

I’m actually Chicago Sober which is where you do NO drugs and ONLY drink alcohol

My Dead Mom came back for Mothers’ Day!

In Chicago, we don't say soda we say pope

A way for Chicagoans to tell Hollywood they are not forgotten...READ THE PREVIEW- @mptfund.bsky.social @thesecondcity.bsky.social @saturdaynightlive.bsky.social @katierich.bsky.social #MeganGailey #artistsfirst @marcellacomedy.bsky.social @kristentoomey.bsky.social @chrisbader.bsky.social #comedy

That line from Ivy is actually something that my husband said to me after our biggest fight. 🥰

No greater feeling than coming back to your phone and seeing a dozen or so voice memos in the group chat.

I lost my SAG health insurance this year but at least Belichick's girlfriend gets to be in a Super Bowl commercial

Border czar Tom Homan is on CNN complaining that Chicago is “very well educated” and people “know their rights” too well for ICE to be able to enforce mass deportations. Good work, neighbors.

When I was a kid we would play in the basement and every once in a while my dad would open the door and, without looking, just yell down "Cut it out!" And most of the time we were doing something wrong and would stop. Anyway, maybe Jesus should pop right in real quick and do that?

If news outlets aren’t making a huge fucking deal about this then it’s officially a wrap. I know you’re all complicit but this is another level.

We got Lion Gosling!!!!

FOR THOSE DISPLACED BY THE SOCAL FIRES WITH A PET!!! Email: [email protected], or contact @mocollins.bsky.social The Stand Up For Pits Foundation will fund three nights for you and your pet at a pet-friendly hotel. Please spread the word!

Occasional reminder that there’s no, “it’s too late, its over” for anthropogenic climate change. Every molecule of CO2 that doesn’t go into the atmosphere makes a difference. Preventing 0.1 degree of warming makes a difference. Every bit of climate resilience we build together makes a difference.

Fox sheepishly said Jimmy Carter died but we are showing Packers/Vikings anyway lmao

Nothing captures the absurdity and darkness of our times like the Pop Tart Bowl

Wow Netflix okay

It’s not too late to donate to www.letterscharity.org and be a part of a true Christmas miracle

We gotta cool it with the hot Santas

Eating Christmas cookies like a dog* *grabbing them and running to another room to enjoy them alone

We gotta cool it with the slowed down versions of Three Little Birds

We're baaaaack! See you 1/16!!!!

What I see on my computer screen after making my sixth healthcare shooter joke on a Zoom

We gotta cool it with the veneers.

Here’s what we are going to do. Donate so much to the charity Steve Albini ran with his beautiful wife Heather. The charity that changed lives and got people on their feet again countless times. Okay? When you don’t know what else to do, do good. www.letterscharity.org

Chicago!!! See you 11/30 at 8 PM for Mortified’s anniversary special!!!! At the Vic Theater wow okay yes

I’m thrilled to add my name to #ArtistsAgainstBookBans, an open letter from @MoveOn for those standing up for the right to express and access diverse ideas. Join me and #ReadBannedBooks at ArtistsAgainstBookBans.com!

I love Molly and this is very very worth it!

[sits backwards in folding chair] You know who else struggled to find the right app for his thoughts…