Omg do you like my new way of saying "Colfax and Logan" THANKS I just came up with it

Sticks and stones may break my bones which heal rather quickly But words will haunt my days and nights and make my spirit sickly.

It's an expression. Oh you've never heard it? Well, it's like they say: "Expressions are like trees in a forest; just because you haven't heard them all doesn't mean they're not real and made up" So

I know, but this is a crucial period of my tamagotchi's development, so I really just can't make it today. Thank you for understanding.

Me: -checking my transit app for the next bus- @maxonemillion.bsky.social: "are you on sniffies?!"

When I'm paying for my bang trim with my HSA card, do I tip cash? Or? 💳⚕️💇🏽‍♀️💁🏽‍♀️ (Wait weird, I don't have access to blonde emojis anymore‽ Should I get highlights?)

So here you are again experiencing Loss. 'This isn't your first time' you tell yourself 'And what, is that supposed to give me comfort?' you reply Then after a moment you realize with morbid coziness that it already does in fact. Human hearts can make a nest anywhere. It's familiar. Familiar.

...had Favorite Meal again tonight. Pray for me

it's unbelievable to me that someone could actually be a trillionaire. i think most of us have trouble internalizing how much money that truly is. let me put it in simple terms for you: a trillion dollars is three million dollars

Had my Favorite Meal last night, and I have been punished 4 times already.

The penjamin, like a crysknife, must be held close to the body (keep it from freezing, melting, clogging) and must be concealed. Taboo to reveal it in some places. When drawn, it must be used before it may be sheathed again.

2 whole minutes? Yeah I don't think so. I guess I'm just much more efficient than you other hoes, I've NEVER had to brush my teeth for two minutes.

God Emeritus

We've known each other for years. I'm so comfortable with you, you've seen the worst and darkest parts of me, and you're still always there for me when I need you. After spending time with you, I always feel like I can take on anything. You're like a douche-nozzle to me 🥹

Flat feet, tight fussy. High arches, fussy be gaping.

Remember the time before time, when all the world was still a riddle yet to be read from the page, blank beneath God's trembling and hesitating hand? Pepperidge farm remembers.

My aquarium is lit by a couple different colored lights that I move a little every day so my fish can add astrology to their belief system (I'm their God I assume)

Oh my god no that towering marble sculpture of me is so embarrassing! Destroy it immediately I'm being serious 🫣😝

*changes grindr profile to "Just Married" *

Bad Bunny got them bike messenger lesbian tattoos and that's even better than the overstuffed tightie whiteys FOR ME.

When I see a regular spider: momentary paralysis, verbal convulsions, adrenaline spike. "Omg omg pls don't be one of those spiders that jumps" When I see an actual jumping spider: 🥹aww heyy little buddy!!✨✨✨ *Leans in close* "can you see my face as clearly as I can see your face?" *Kisses forehead*

POKÉMON ARE MY SPECIAL INTEREST AND GREATEST PASSION AND I HAVE NEVER VISUALLY RECOGNIZED A SINGLE POKÉMON I'VE ENCOUNTERED. -Ash Ketchum

Gone Fishing

I have a Ninetales who gets hurt on purpose because she's addicted to hyperpotions.

People really act like slavery ended because a white president had a change of heart. Slavery didn't end because of Abraham Lincoln. Slavery didn't end.

To be clear this is not a Lorde fan account, this is a Worm fan account and I tweet a lot about Lorde bc i just so happen to believe that Lorde is who Taylor Hebert retired as in our reality. Worm ends and then Lorde's discography begins, and it's the same protagonist. I have evidence

Wait shit I was literally in the forest today and I was like DON'T FORGET but I was so into the majesty of the moment and all that shit that I forgot to record a really funny Lorde related video and nobody better steal my idea until I get to do it

It's called #damponing and what you do is you get a tampon and you get it damp...

It's like, Lorde did the drugs so that we don't have to.

My partner is drawing me a bath and it's going to be cold by the time I walk home from whatever parking spot I eventually find

Haven't any of you Neanderthals heard of Lyft or Uber? I've been looking for a parking spot for half a fucking hour a bitch wants to get home from work at some point

Popularize the opinion and spread the word that if you drive to a concert venue and park in front of somebody's fucking house you're a piece of shit and I hate you

Last night while I was riding my top said I was like something out of a hentai comic so. ✨

I'll punch God, I'm not afraid to hit a girl.

I don't like being sick but I do like getting to drink orange potion

Supermarket

King, if you're not using the #WetTamponHack, your Man-Cave is not getting a complete clean. Real Men have been using the Damp Tampon Method for centuries. It's about self-respect. A Warrior demands perfection and discipline.

I've never seen #Challengers but my Spotify AI DJ played the theme music during my last threesome, so

Me when I'm listening to Mayhem, track 11:

3 different straight boy co-workers have asked me where I got these pants, but then they look defeated when I say the women's department. Like, you couldn't tell, right? You liked them? Just go get them honey

Gotta be the truth or you'll be caramelized. #InspirationalQuotes

Just watched one construction worker bop another on the hard hat with a metal signboard, it was so silly and I'm glad they're having fun.

Out of curiosity I fed an ant🐜 a drop of my blood🩸, It seemed to get a small portion of my powers. I saw it build a great tower that stretched up almost to the height of my sandal's edge. I thought I heard it cry😢 and then it flew away, I assume into space 🌌 🚀 🔎 #antseason #naturefacts