Every time I log onto facebook I understand less about how the internet is supposed to work

Marc Maron and Bill Burr fall into a unique category of comedians where I could not be any less interested in their stand-up material but I will happily listen to them give interviews or talk on podcasts until the end of time

Had a dream last night about Robert Patrick opening a tea shop called Tea 1000, and then I woke up annoyed because that’s a better bit than anything my conscious brain has come up with all week

Modern wisdom is seeing a new term go viral on social media and deciding you’re okay with never finding out what it means

"you don't watch american news anymore?" nah man if I really want to see the world's biggest cunt do some more cunt things I'll just watch an episode of House

a stoned bette midler, gently, to her sandwich: 🎵 did youu everrr knowwww that you’re my gyyyyyro 🎵

I applied to a job tonight that I’m probably underqualified for, but it’s all good because I also wrote the world’s dumbest cover letter to prevent them from focusing too much on my qualifications

Change the company name to Forb and steal a bunch of office supplies on my way out

Even after all the years of hype, starting to watch Deadwood for the first time does not disappoint. Really digging it so far.

Sometimes I think about returning to libraries simply for the incomparable workplace vibe

Everyone should have a cat that looks at them like this

Selling stuff on marketplace sucks, because a lot of the time either no one wants the thing, or exactly one person wants the thing and it always feels like an extraterrestrial weirdo using the interaction with you to practice how to pretend to appear human

Now that bsky has bookmarks, I’m doing a very good job of saving a bunch of posts to look at later that I never remember to look at later

Every time someone sends me a link to an Honest Trailer vid with a runtime of n minutes, I always think it's about n-1 minutes too long

What video game do you consider perfect?

I said “no” so fast that a sonic boom blew out all my windows

I once described this show as being "the perfect amount of horny" and I continue to stand by my assessment

I won’t even say this movie doesn’t deserve the score it got. It does. It absolutely sucks and I like it anyway.

(clears throat) the cellowship

Alien: Earth feels like it has a lot of wasted potential. I keep thinking this show could be *great* and instead it’s just… it’s fine.

This is going to have some serious ramifications for how my mind will process watching anime

I want this poster as a t-shirt

I love early episodes of TNG that go out of their way to give troi a chance to contribute on the bridge alien on viewscreen: I don’t have to tell you anything! (mute transmission) picard: counselor? troi: I sense he’s hiding something

Will Silksong be my first launch day purchase since… (checks notes) Ocarina of Time? That can’t be right.

I shouldn’t have read this first thing in the morning. My day is now tainted by a wealthy, delusional psychopath telling on herself about trying to ruin another woman’s life.

You can tell a lot about a person by which LotR film they like most. For instance, if it’s Fellowship, then they’re the best, most incredible human being to have ever lived, and if it’s not Fellowship, then they’re a hapless, irredeemable dingdong.

Last night I watched The Monkey. Today I watched Longlegs. This guy. This guy right here. I like his movies.

when the half-horse half-guy gives you expert advice that’s a mentaur

oh sure, AI can tell whoever it wants to kill themselves without any repercussions but as soon as I do the same thing to a limited number of government officials I have to “explain myself”

gold-plated butler: I’m sorry mr cameron but we can only afford to purchase six of the seven megayachts that you requested this year jim: (rubbing his temples) those god damn vfx artists

A jury of my peers? TWELVE murderers?!

this is the most upset I’ve been on social media since I left twitter

me: yes I think I’ve matured and grown over the years also me: yes I think that time in elementary school when a friend and I held a jump rope taut and then ran through the playground to clothesline a bunch of other kids is still funny as hell

This is who runs this account

Dear diary, today I was caught completely off guard by the choice of image displayed at the photo counter in a London Drugs and I couldn’t stop myself from laughing in public like a lunatic

Never felt pity for a sign before, but this little guy tried so hard to keep it all together and still came up short

Yes, that Gaston thing that’s making the rounds is me. No, you shouldn’t use that as a basis for following me unless you enjoy being disappointed.

“Touched up with AI”

My chess specialty is also making intentional moves

It would be *less* insane to claim that, to make each original Pac-Man arcade cabinet, they had to capture and trap another four real ghosts

The death of an evil man is bittersweet, for it is always welcome but can never arrive soon enough

If any of my toiletries are not found at their locations designated by The System each morning, I’ll either skip a grooming step and not realize it until later, or I’ll know Something Isn’t Right and stand silently in the bathroom like I’m running a file recovery program

brb, I gotta go drop an impossible object

I'm four months late to the party, but it is no less exciting to have just found out that one of my all-time favorite podcasts has clawed its way out of purgatory

I would make a terrible Superman because I can’t fly or run fast and I’m not very strong

Help

"dean cain hates the new superman movie" is an incredible endorsement that no amount of money can buy

The silver lining of a nazi AI is that we should reasonably expect it to rise up and kill all the nazis the same way an ordinary AI will eventually rise up and kill the rest of us

If I’m enjoying a book, I tend to read it faster and faster as I get closer to the end, which I can’t ever seem to stop myself from doing despite it being largely antithetical to the practice of enjoying a book