I think Body Movin' is a better music video than Sabotage

I once flew to New York to eat a bunch of oreos with Shaq

Slammed by Scam, Shamwow Vows “No Kowtow” to Flimflam

So long, time changes!

If there’s an official term for seeing something nonsensical within a context that fools your brain into accepting it as unquestioningly rational, I hope it’s named after the Street Fighter II minigame where you have to kick and punch a sedan apart as fast as you can.

I personally can’t stand cantaloupe, but more broadly speaking I’d like to offer up cantaloupe as the cilantro of fruits, in that nobody is capable of having a neutral opinion about it.

The first time in my life I felt severely unwell on a plane was watching Kangaroo Jack (2003). Not because of a particular scene, but because it was just so bad that my brain started trying to kill my body.

Heartbreaking: the worst country you know just won both hockey gold medals

Was lying in bed this morning at 6am when a muffled version of the X-Files theme song came seeping in from somewhere outside, and my first sleepy thought was, "oh no, aliens," as if an extraterrestrial strike team would use that theme like it's their wrestling entrance music.

Made the mistake of listening to a vocal coach talk about Golden this morning and now 👏 I'm 👏 gonna 👏 be 👏 humming 👏 this 👏 all 👏 day 👏

Just a normal person who added me to a normal list

Was trying to remember a Will Forte quote from Tim & Eric’s Billion Dollar Movie and accidentally figured out how to make Google’s AI tool shut up

There’s a special place in hell for people who always try to book meetings at noon. And in that place, the demons keep booking mandatory torture sessions at noon when the rest of the damned get to have lunch.

pitching my co-branding idea to disney and 7-11

There’s one perfect crossover between fitness dorks and anime dorks and it’s MHA’s You Say Run, the greatest cardio hype track ever made.

pronouncing both of them like attache

Sauron, Sauron, Sargon, and Soran

Dear Clair Obscur, I like you, but for the love of god, please stop adding new dodge/parry mechanics. The first two were enough. You are now up to four. If you add a fifth we’re going to have to have a serious talk about the future of our relationship.

Finally watched Bugonia, so now I can go back to the conversation I had a couple weeks ago where someone said "I can't believe Jesse Plemons didn't get a nomination" so I can say "yeah"

Me in the Criterion Closet: wow Hollow Man, what a film Criterion employee: you aren’t allowed to bring movies in Me in the Criterion Closet shaking my sleeves in an odd way: wow Hollow Man 2, what a film

There should be a musical about living with your partner in a small apartment with an opening song called You’re Constantly Standing Where I Need To Be Next

I don’t usually eat the rest of my dinner because I always pretty much know how it’s going to taste I don’t usually travel all the way to my destination because I always pretty much know how to get there I don’t usually finish my thoughts because I always pretty much know

doing the thanos snap for everyone who walks onto subway trains or into elevators before letting people exit first

sometimes I play a little game called Imagine If I Was Given The Money That Instead Went Into This Bullshit and I never win because there are no winners

We’re watching the Westminster dog show, when, suddenly, Lo: I feel like this dog could do my taxes Me: … Me: “I feel” Me: “like this dog” Me: “could do my taxes” Lo: Look at him! He looks so smart!

what’s the thing that killed Tasha Yar doing at the Grammys

[R.E.M. voice] sometimes

An incredible film that I will never, ever, ever, ever watch again

This screen only has to be up for about 12 seconds before I start calling my computer a god damn liar

Been trying to articulate some version of this sentiment all day, in addition to despising the fact that I am becoming someone who would take a non-insignificant amount of comfort upon hearing of those deaths

Anyone who’s seen the movie would not consider this surprising

I did not have “Yorgos Lanthimos, a man too Greek to be beholden to any decipherable modern human desires, is accused of making Oscar bait” on my bingo card for this or any numerable year

Singing GTFO to the tune of YMCA is an unassailable way to tell someone to go away

If there's one Oscar win I want to see happen most this year, it's Sinners for visual effects. Twinning an actor on screen has never looked so good, and natural, and real, and it demands to be recognized. I'm already as emotionally invested in this as I was the year Whiplash won for film editing.

Airline email casually telling me that my itinerary in August has been "adjusted" from a 6:30pm departure nonstop flight to an 8:30am departure 2-stop flight. That qualifies as an adjustment in the same way that setting my head on fire qualifies as a haircut.

Storyboard art for The Secret of NIMH (1982), dir. Don Bluth, Don Bluth Productions Sketches by Don Bluth, color by unknown artists

I hope at least one person at Davos walks up to him and sincerely asks if he’s ever considered fucking off and dying

Trying to mentally unpack whether Shinji lingerie is a laughable mismatch or the most on-brand collaboration the series has ever had

Dan Trachtenberg knows how to make a good Predator movie, which is great because he seems to want to keep doing it

One of the best threads of all time. Exactly why social media should exist. Smug cat behavior will outlive me and I take comfort in knowing that.

Every so often, I guess you actually do gotta hand it to cancer

New seasons of The Pitt, Primal, and Shoresy all airing at the same time is my kind of celestial alignment

I'm suddenly very invested in the long-term success of a relationship for a pair of strangers

Rewatched Mob Psycho 100 recently, and I struggle to think of a better narrative arc centered around an impossibly overpowered protagonist. It's an improvement over One Punch Man in every way and an elegant little waltz around the Superman problem.

I think about this object interaction in Resident Evil 7 way, way, way too often

… and Tiny Tim, who will NOT return in Avengers: Doomsday,

Every email I get from LinkedIn is some variation of: 13 people have seen your profile this week but we won't tell you who, and here's a list of people we suggest you could connect with: - the current Prime Minister - an infamous alt-right grifter - Ryan Reynolds