What do you call Santa without a GPS? A lost Claus.

What did the retired sailor say? Long time, no sea.

The just named the president of IKEA as the Leader of Sweden. Right now he's putting together his Cabinet.

I thought I would be proud of sealing all the Christmas cards myself. But the whole ordeal just left me with a bad taste in my mouth.

Today, I bought an old used car that was made in Prague. The Czech engine light keeps coming on.

I didn't get married till I was 42. I was looking for a woman with the same likes as me--drinking beer and chasing women.

Arizona, the model for voucher programs across the country, spent so much money paying private schoolers’ tuition that it faced hundreds of millions in budget cuts to critical state programs and projects last year. (Published July 2024)

I was teaching my dyslexic friend how mistletoe works. I don’t think he stoodunder it

My dog thinks he’s a cheerleader. He’s a pompomeranian.

Jose Barco a Purple Heart Veteran was deported to a border state in Mexico & his family can’t find him! Jose enlisted at age 17 & did two tours in Iraq when a IED blew up causing him to have a TBI & burns all over his body.He saved his fellow soldiers & tried to become a Citizen

Why is the man that miraculously regrew an ear having so much trouble with “hand-shaking” injuries?

Feeling amused 🤣🤣🤣

How do you get Trump to change a lightbulb? Tell him Obama put it in.

"Tincher has marks on her neck and wrist from where agents restrained her. Agents cut off her wedding ring and held her in leg shackles at Whipple Federal Building for about five hours, where she saw about seven other detainees. " #Wisconsin #wipolitics #wisdems #wisgop #ICE #Minneapolis #Minnesota

I accidentally drank a whole bottle of invisible ink today. I'm at the emergency room waiting to be seen.

GM & TY, Amy! 💙 @bluebird4us.bsky.social @wisewonders.bsky.social @fireeyebooks.bsky.social @packers1.bsky.social @boldsea.bsky.social @cheryldogmom.bsky.social @hopeful66.bsky.social @kathyc2222.bsky.social @allie-froglegs.bsky.social @bluestormcomin1.bsky.social @raykwong.bsky.social

What do you call a mouse in a toga? Julius Cheeser.

What do you call a woman who won’t stop singing Christmas songs? Carolyn.

📌Last year, Trump inherited an economy that according to the British magazine "The Economist" was "the envy of the world" coming off Covid. It has taken him less than a year to completely wreck it.

“We are targeting Venezuela because of DRUGS, not OIL, which is why we are blowing up boats without any drugs and stealing a tanker full of oil.”

Did you know that the only American sport mentioned in the Bible is baseball? The book of Genesis starts with "In the big inning".

What is the cost to the American taxpayer for each ship sinking as far as weaponry, bombs, planes, fuel, etc.

I just accidentally hit a truck loaded with electric guitars. Luckily, it was just a fender bender.

Somebody left an unlabeled box of random parts from IKEA at my door, with no instructions. I’m not quite sure what to make of it.

Why is it that if a ball carrier has a short run, they say he is "bottled up"?

Must have been fun 😁

I have a friend who writes music about sewing machines. He's a singer/songwriter or sew it seams.

I had a job making plastic Draculas in an assembly line. There were only 2 of us. I had to make every second Count.

I went to the doctor's office. I said, "I have a 10:00 appointment." The nurse said, "Which doctor?" I said, "No. I want a regular doctor."

Watched the press conference where Bondi, Patel, Pirro, etc. took turns praising each other and criticizing Biden and the FBI that did all the work. You KNOW none of these people actually worked daily on the case. And they still have to prove it in court. They haven't been too successful lately.

I applied for a job extracting coal but they said I didn’t have the right experience. Never mined.

What's a plumber's least favorite vegetable? Leeks.

I was wondering what soap I should use to clean my pet dolphin. Then I realised an all porpoise cleaner was the best.

A Mexican magician said he could disappear at the count of 3. He says "Uno, dos, and poof, he was gone without a tres.

Noem says if anyone else is involved with the shooting in Washington, we will come after you and "persecute" you. Doesn't she mean prosecute?

What do you call an envious ocean? A jealousea.

Real photo.

This came from the 2021 infrastructure bill signed by Biden. Mace voted against it.

When geese fly south or north, they're in a V formation. One side always is longer than the other. Do you know why? There are more geese on that side.

The definition of a farmer: A man outstanding in his field.

I asked the librarian if the library had books on paranoia. She whispered, “They’re right behind you.”

Don't you hate tee shirts with the year of the team's championship on it? I have a Super Bowl tee from XLV. It's 14 years old and in great shape.

Two American National Guardsmen are murdered in Washington. They were doing their duty. I pray for their souls. Why were they there? That's the answer Trump must give. What exactly did they die for?

What do you call an apology written in dots and dashes? Re-Morse code.

Just found out my parents left me an entire parcel of land. That means a whole lot.

A priest in a mask just threw some holy water at me. A bit odd I know, but I think it’s a blessing in disguise.

I took the batteries out of my carbon monoxide detector, because the loud beeping was making me dizzy and giving me a headache.

Not real obviously, just play acting.

This week we learned that many of the most active Twitter accounts are foreigners, most likely Russian influence agents, operating in the guise of Red State Americans.

This kid is brilliant. Voice of a generation.