Why isn’t suntanning an Olympic sport? Because the best you can ever get is bronze.

Commentary: The World Would Be A Much Different Place If Hillary Clinton Had Won The 2016 Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest

I saw a billboard this morning that said ‘Future Events’. I thought, “That’s a sign of things to come”.

If you feel lonely, just start a small business. Then at least you’ll have a little company.

I've got a chicken-proof front lawn. It's impeccable!

Every Fox News live shot today from Trump's post-rapture-like fair on the National Mall has been hilarious. Here's a supercut:

What do math books wear under their covers? Alge-bras.

Scientists have recently noticed that crows are not making as much noise. Researchers are busy looking for the cause.

Did you hear about the guy who went to the seafood yoga class? He pulled a mussel.

What do you call a bunny who was raised in a hotel? An inn grown hare

I asked my wife is she wanted to go out to dinner tomorrow and she said yes. I’m pretty excited to have the house to myself for the evening.

Why did the IRS audit the chiropractor? He owed a lot of back taxes.

I accidentally broke my nephew’s model rocket. Now I owe him an Apollo G.

Last week I went to the doctor's office. I said, "I have a 1:20 appointment". The nurse said, "Which doctor?" I replied, "No. I want a regular doctor."

I once dated a cross-eyed girl. It didn't last--we didn't see eye to eye. Plus, I think she was seeing someone on the side.

I’m a farmer and I keep getting headaches after harvesting my crops. The doctor says it’s my grains.

What do you call a car being driven by a sheep in a swimsuit? A lamb bikini.

Only a woman, who has delivered a baby without an epidural, can truly understand the suffering a man goes through when he has a cold.

My doctor told me that I consume too much sodium. I took it with a grain of salt.

Why is it? It seems that EVERY DAY, the news is filled with stories about planes crashing, small planes, military planes, helicopters, bumping into trucks, colliding on the ground. Is it worse with Duffy in charge or does it just seem that way?

"Iran First!" - MAGA

I've been struggling to get my wife's attention lately. So I just sat down in the Lazy Boy and got real comfortable. That did the trick.

What do you get when you cross an angry sheep with an angry cow? An animal that's in a baaaaaad mooooood!

I’ve recently switched from eating venison to eating pheasant. Absolute game changer.

Why could the mechanic not become an actor? He couldn’t get the parts.

What do you call a cow with bad manners? Beef jerky.

Michael de Adder deserves a Pulitzer Prize for his work....

A sign in a nature preserve: Don't feed the wild animals. They will become reliant and soon will want cell phones.

A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, I'll serve you, but don't start anything

Exactly! #Pinks #USDemocracy

Before my wife's last birthday, she left jewelry magazines laying all over the house for me to see. For her birthday, I got her a magazine rack.

I have finally reached the Wonder Years. I wonder where my keys are. I wonder where my phone is. I wonder where I parked.

My wife was missing for a week. Police told me to prepare for the worst. So I went to Goodwill and brought her stuff back.

Someone has stolen all the soap from my bath. I think it was my robber duck.

If Biden had passed out at a meeting and pitched over to 45 degrees like this he'd have been forced to resign the presidency

What’s the difference between the bird flu and the swine flu? One requires tweetment and the other an oinkment.

It seems like every day, there is news about air travel. Crashes, near crashes, small planes going down, angry people on the planes, planes hitting trucks. Thank God Sean Duffy is in charge. Every day he does something like take a paid-for road trip.

I just saw a paleontologist sitting in a bar talking to a piece of coal. He must be carbon dating.

Cows lie down in the rain to keep each udder dry.

"A handful of African nations are rejecting American health aid, outraged by the Trump administration’s demands for access to private health records and even minerals in exchange for lifesaving medicine..." www.wsj.com/world/africa...

Here are the top 5 dogs of May!

Time for some church

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

Here are the top 5 dogs of the week!

My friend went for a job at a sunscreen factory but didn’t get it. He’s going to reapply.

I bought my wife a lamp in the shape of a Coke bottle. She was soda lighted.

Trump is putting his face on federal buildings, national park passes, passports, and now his regime is reportedly trying to put it on a $250 bill. If you saw this happening in another country, what would you call it?

I used to teach Accounting. You have assets and liabilities (debt). If your liabilities are too high, you can kiss your assets goodbye.