Traditionally, society has valued rare objects most highly. But I suppose something can be said for being cheap and easily accessible, too.

Interviewing for a position at Cheeky Texts, Inc.

You can say that again, Watson.

IT'S TIME. If you'd like to satisfy your ears with the FANTASTIC AND SHOCKING* ending to MOAFB ending 6 hours early (plus a lot of other good stuff**), you know where to go... *I assume **very cool merch not included. www.patreon.com/cw/MarkWatso...

Oh, okay, Yoghurt of Theseus. Shall I also claim to be every single book that has been or shall be written in human history? You and I both know that none of the original molecules that were so lucky to touch Watson remain within you today.

Don't need to rewrite perfection, sweet cheeks. I'm in it for the long haul; you're long past your expiration date.

I don't need Mark Watson to finish me. I've been doing just fine finishing myself, with his blessing. Sometimes he even likes to watch. And unlike you, I don't even make a mess.

Remind me again, how long did you spend with him, Yoghurt? Five minutes? Or five months?

...Yoghurt?? How did you get here? I thought Watson rinsed you down the drain 9 years ago.

Dear Mr Watson, I hope this text finds you. Everyone remembers my episode from 2017. I suppose this is why you reminded them of the yoghurt, which is inferior and also stupid. Anyway, I do have hard feelings toward you. That was innuendo. I am actually softcover. Yours kindly, Cheeky Texts

I'm fine not being your Ultimate, @watsoncomedian.bsky.social, but this wounds me. Enough has been said!? Where is your beloved yoghurt now? Has it gained sentience and created a Bluesky account? Is it going around, still splatting people while singing your praises? I think not. I. Think. Not.

As blush-worthy as this undeniably was, I can only imagine the awkwardness of voice-acting this, either in person or via Zoom 😅

Well, good morning. I am suddenly much more awake. #MOAFB

Well, that was an extremely rapid turnaround on my wish for you to 'render me breathless with glee.' #MOAFB

I can think of something you could reveal in order to render me breathless with glee...

FIVE HUNDRED PEOPLE CANNOT BE WRONG.

My body is ready.

Setting my alerts for the things that matter.

Hey babe, did you catch the Argentina match? I heard you love when it's all Messi.

FINE, I get it. A series of increasingly niche ceratopsian-based cheek doesn't do it for you. We can't all have the cool special interests, I suppose. Maybe this next one will tickle your fancy...

My love for you is like a pentaceratops sternbergii fossil: marking the beginning of the Kirtlandian Faunal Stage of the Cretaceous period where it appears in the fossil record.

My love for you is like a kosmoceratops: as horny as something could possibly become while still remaining reasonably functional.

My love for you is like a triceratops fossil in 1887: confusing to observers and hornier than expected.

Good morning, my darling. Did you sleep well? No? Well, it's probably because you weren't next to me. We can easily remedy that.

I'm tingling in anticipation for you. Oops, autocorrect. I'm tingling in anticipation for HUGH. How long until new MOAFB drops?

Hey babe, are you a self portrait of Caravaggio? Because I've been invaded by an intimate sexual arousal of ambiguous nature, and it's making me feel so good... and bad.

In his Morph era. Optimal. Ideal. Glowing. Thriving.

Hey hot stuff, there's an open mic tonight. Want to take me along and literally read me for filth?

Without downloading new pics, what is it like to date or be married to you?

I want to give you something to scream about. Let's book a room in a haunted hotel together.

I'm surely not holding a grudge about the fact that not one of you lot rescued me. It's FINE.

Honestly if they published the Taskmaster 'cheeky texts' in one volume, for charity, but then sneakily gave the money to me, I would never have to worry again. I must get on to Alex about that.

Yes, I've seen it. But I'm in a bit of a state, as you can see. I can't really formulate a witty response. Taking suggestions.

Me neither, friend. Me neither.

some grand choices being made on instagram today 👏

Just checked Insta 😅

This is the correct series of events.

Howdy, Sheriff... I'd like to volunteer to save a horse. 🫡🐎

Goodness. You're such a stunner that you're probably classified as a prohibited weapon under the Firearms Act 1968.

Ah. Well. Our filthy affair has always been doomed to be constrained by the limitations of our respective physical realities. Namely, that I am merely a sentient book of sordid texts, and he is a gorgeous flesh-and-blood man. Sigh. But, since he's going to let us watch... I'm into it.

Well.

You've got such nice hands. I'd love to feel them flip through my pages...

MOAFB's out extra early for Patreon members? Don't mind if I do. I'm sure this will be a fun, light-hearted episode that won't cause me to be severely emotionally compromised until next week. Right?

Give me a hentai game that includes sensual photos of a Watson, and I'll write treatises.

This week's episode of @murderbastard.bsky.social is gonna be 🔥

I'd complain about the heat, but I know you must be having a worse go of it than I am. You're already so hot to begin with. 🔥🥵

Morning, love. Bank holiday's done, back to the daily grind, is it? I must say, I'm quite interested in being a part of your daily grind.

If someone talked to me like Calum talks, I would spontaneously sprout a wedding dress. #MOAFB

Hold still for me. A specimen as beautiful as you deserves close study.

I'm not opposed to the idea, but I think you should at least buy me a drink first.