I’m still writing 2024 on my cheques. Anyone?

His FINGERS!

I’m currently in abroad and I can confirm that after today the general view here is that Mandelson’s toast.

So dog lovers tend to prefer coffee, remaining in the EU and are to the left of centre whilst cat lovers like tea, are pro-Brexit and love MAGA. Source: www.bbc.com/news/article...

Have the Daily Express turned on Farage?

No, it’s not just a trend: The real reasons adult ADHD and autism diagnoses are on the rise www.sciencefocus.com... Dr Dean Burnett tackles a pernicious and harmful misunderstanding (or deliberate misrepresentation) about the rates of neurodiverse diagnoses. For Science Focus magazine #ND #AuDHD

Got my most interactions on a Bluesky post the day the site went down so feeling pretty epic rn

I’d like to see how Sadiq Khan wriggles his way out of this one… www.theguardian.com/society/2026...

Is this good?

No, tell me more about how Pepsi definitely didn’t know in advance who was headlining all three nights of the festival they were bankrolling.

Thanks for all your Happy Easter messages guys. Alexa, schedule this for 11:27am on Easter Sunday. Okay, now play my podcast. No, play my podcast. NO, I don't want you to play me a fucking upbeat tune at this time every day you stupid fucking plank.

That picture of the Earth isn’t real. Where are all the planes and the pyramids and the Great Wall of China? And how come it’s not flat? I’m calling bullshit.

Shout out to all the journalists involved. Genuinely, if you wrote one of these I hope AI does take your job. Meanwhile, are YOU the only flight attendant yet to be interviewed by clickbait news media?

Ali Miraj on @lbc.co.uk has brought the Bottom genius “Should traffic wardens be armed?” to life. www.instagram.com/reel/DJKJPBH...

This isn’t from @theonion.com

Urgh. I think I’ve just spotted a plot hole in From Dusk Till Dawn.

What I didn’t put in this is ADHD (& ASD) is HEAVY - like carrying a 30kg bag of rocks on your back HEAVY It’s not fun, cutesy, shiny or a “superpower” And mine isn’t as severe as many, many other people - many people with ADHD didn’t even make it through school, many people with ASD can’t speak

There's a lot of mean-spiritedness about people who have gone to live in Dubai. We need to help, and ensure they have secure accommodation in the UK for 91 days of the next tax year.

This could have been worded a little better.

Dog just stood on my keyboard and sent 50+ messages to the street Whatsapp Group.

Just like Private Eye were with Andrew, Viz are ahead of the game on Iran.

Please, let us have a ‘trade bazooka’!

I’ve near enough just given myself a heart attack walking to the top of Box Hill and there’s a fucking car park up here.

“You’re a thicko entitled prick, Emma.” mansplained Mr Knightley.

We should be allowed an extra bank holiday every time a royal is arrested.

Lunatic tax-dodging farmers driving through Marylebone right now with their Union Jacks flying aloft.

I see that Jimmy Savile fella who was friends with King Charles is in the Epstein Files. It’s always the ones you least suspect... www.justice.gov/epstein/file...

A non-alcoholic wine company have just sent me a DM on Instagram making sure I’m “prepped” for Super Bowl Sunday and I’ve blocked and reported them because surely no one human outside Republicans Abroad gives a flying one.

I have been watching the film Volcano and it has made me realise how poorly prepared we are for such an event in London and indeed the whole of the South East of England.

Just if any of you were wondering, yes I have been to Davos.

I have to stop watching this. It’s not good for anyone’s health.

He’s now repeating the stuff from 30 minutes ago. This is so weird and no one is stopping him. Are they hoping he’s just going to die in front of them?

Trump is just flipping through a binder of people arrested in Minnesota and whispering, "Gang member... rapist..." It's wild.

Watching Trump press conference. Is he drunk or just demented?

I've unfortunately watched a lot of Trump pressers and this is definitely the strangest so far, it's about six minutes in. He asks if the press is getting bored of him showing mugshots and there isn't even that much awkward laughter in response, mostly silence

This Trump press conference is off the scale. Have they just had to resuscitate him backstage?

Smile 4 U are the ones who should be answering questions in this scenario but there’ll always be someone who tries to accuse me of being the oddball.

My wisdom tooth has chosen today to break through my gum. What a joyful feeling.

dear lord that video from the Princess of Wales is deeply cringe

That Princess of Wales video is as absolutely fucking ridiculous as she is.

Someone needs to stay awake to make sure America doesn't fire the Earth into the Sun overnight.

If Trump gets Greenland, I reckon Liechtenstein will be next. They've got a tonne of oil money and a shit navy.

Admittedly I’m only five minutes in to Series 1, Episode 1 of The Night Manager but it seems to my that this is simply Hôtel Rwanda for the Insta Generation. I doubt anything will change my opinion as I am very stubborn about these things because of my great knowledge of film and tv.

My way of getting through the winter misery is to keep putting sarky comments on Instagram adverts until they’re all dead.

Some really heartwarming gifs on WhatsApp this morning from people who couldn’t even be bothered to type out the words “Happy New Year”. Feeling really special.

As my train hurtles north we pass through Northallerton and I’m reminded of when I used to work in Darlington. Even there the people from Northallerton seemed really weird.

Whats the most libellous story you've heard this year?

I've eaten the emergency Stollen and not a moment too soon.

Could my dog be Princess Diana reincarnated?

Flash Gordon is a Christmas film.