It takes a lot to impress me, but this is fucking impressive.

Andrew’s punishment is for him to be made our equal. That’ll teach him.

As you may be aware I’m not much of a music fan (how do people concentrate with all that noise?). However, this evening I’m going to a gig at Brixton Academy.

Anything advertised for sale through a link in a video on Instagram is dogshit. No exceptions.

My PIN which is 4769 and my password which I use for all my accounts and is d1nkypr!nc3s5

“How many names does your pet have?” is today’s AI password generator.

Hello. I’m AI. Please tell me all about your family so I can improve my ability to crack your passwords using this sentimental bullshit.

Algebra was never my strongest subject but I’m pretty sure this can’t be right. Banksy is really starting to slip.

Delete all your old photo albums says Government spunking £2 billion on AI.

I tried Fentanyl today and now I understand.

So does this mean that they won't be able to appeal their convictions? So British people can appeal but if you dare to be foreign you cannot? Feels like they've decided to embrace the Two Tier Keir memes. Anything to get that Reform vote...

Let’s not forget how well aligning with Trump worked out for Tesla...

I think I’m overtired. And sick of the fucking beeping.

Idea: Lime Bikes but they’re wheelie bins.

Every beeping Lime bike is a stolen motor vehicle. Should we, as responsible citizens, immediately detain the offender and march them to a police station, or just call 999 and report a crime in progress? I wonder if Crimestoppers offer a reward if we do it anonymously…

Seems an absolute charmer…

People who use their actual face as their avatar complaining about using facial recognition for age verification on here is my new favourite thing.

I’m quite enjoying the thought that all those claims companies have spent their entire budgets on this and should hopefully now go bust.

Want to use the crossing at Oval Station? Good luck with that.

He’s the Lord Lucan of the Gala Bingo generation.

I’m watching A Nightmare on Elm Street for the first time and just over half an hour in I already have a lot of questions. Everything about it is dreadful. How did people get paid to make this?

Can confirm my face was old enough to post.

It’s war!

9. A 'Life Coach' is a ridiculous proposition. Taking fundamental life advice from someone who's own life is has amounted to them being a Life Coach is not a sensible move.

Imagine how shocked the delivery companies must have been to discover that they were exploiting vulnerable workers for several years. I bet they’re very grateful to be given the chance to help protect them now.

I suspect if she tries really hard she'll be able to find a few minutes to provide them with whatever they want her to say in exchange for a pardon. Then she'll be in an awful accident a couple of months after being released, just in case.

If they put the propellers on helicopters a foot higher then people wouldn’t have to duck their heads down when they got out of them. I’m sharing that patent-free with the whole world. You’re welcome.

You have to admit that is a pretty weird reaction to an attempt on a head of state.…

The humidity in London today is genuinely making it feel more unpleasant than it has at any time previously and I include in that the Black Death, Cholera, the Great Fire, the Blitz, the Pokemon years and Secret Cinema.

@lbc.co.uk have a “financial journalist” on who says “Bitcoin is a safe-haven asset” and “Bitcoin is not bad for the environment” and goes entirely unchallenged.

I'm old enough to remember when Vision Express made glasses in about an hour.

Early lip sweat. Doesn’t bode well.

Benny Hill (d.1992) must be shitting himself right now. #Masterchef

Ralf Little has had a remarkably successful career when you think about it.

I’ve just read the comments under an FT article. Terrifying. The contributors are more right wing than the Daily Mail lot.

I've run out of dishwasher tablets which kind of puts the whole famine thing into perspective.

Typical woke, liberal elite, mining community.

I've had a Giggly Pig sausage sandwich and now I'm sipping a Coconut Iced Coffee. Cancel my winter fuel allowance.

To the middle-class farmers market!

Hope my ADHD doesn’t make me get my cock out at unsuspecting middle-class women of a certain age today.

What if they scan my face and it ends up on a porn site? Will I get money?

In an almost sarcastic reminder of how well Sir Brian's Big Ideas work in practice, Common Platform users are being met with this message right now.

Deeply embarrassed for everyone involved in Amazon’s Heads of State.

What is it with famous English people wearing baseball caps to disguise their identity when the only English people who wear baseball caps are famous ones trying to hide their identity?

I struggle to think of anything more vile than being stuck amongst a crowd of tennis fans.

Will leaving made-up stories in newspaper online comment sections mess up AI even more? If so can we start doing it please? Worst case scenario is they close down the comments section and I think that's a reasonable sacrifice.

Putting a new bed together today. Should take no more than 8 hours.

Back on Twitter, whenever you complained about the noise made by a police helicopter, some cunt would pop up defending them and the amazing work they do. They never lived in London.

The helicopter that's been directly overhead for the last 15 minutes is almost certainly more irritating than the crime being investigated and definitely annoying more people given no one here can close their windows because of the heat. Nice one, rozzers.