You can call me Don Juan. As in I Don Juanna go to work tomorrow.

Show me that smile again

"Today, on 'Rick Steves' Europe', I take a massive rip from this artisanally crafted alphorn stuffed full of mountain-grown cannabis in an alpine village in Switzerland."

I continue to be amazed at the amount of abuse these football players are able to take on each play and then get back in the huddle for the next as if it were no big thing. I took a child's noggin straight to the forearm at the park this afternoon and I still think this could be a fatal injury.

HONK 'EM

K-Pop Lehman Brothers

Shout out to everyone who still smells like whatever meats y'all's Thanksgiving hosts smoked yesterday

RESET THE NUMBER OF DAYS WITHOUT A KID BARFING CALENDAR And, as is tradition, we are three hours away from home and won't be back until tomorrow afternoon. These kids sure do know how to pick when to ralph. 😐

Hell yeah, gobble gobble time! Time to dig into that turkussy, y'all!

"Sorry, my dyslexia kicked in and I thought we were eating at Longsteak Hornhouse."

Getting kicked out of Longhorn Steakhouse for talking too loud about mpreg

Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale A tale of a fateful trip— That started from this tropic port Aboard this tiny ship. - Herman Melville

Angry seven-year-old already complaining about the shitty quality of my parenting at a thirteen-year-old level. Not even a teenager yet. I'd better start preparing myself now.

Are You There, Margaritas? It's Me, Goddammit

There's a path we take and the path not taken— The choice is up to you, my friend: Nights are long, but you might awaken To a brand-new life around the bend. - Robert Frost

She Eiffel on my tower until I ooh la la

Tom Dempsey is smiling from heaven.

There's a rink next door to the boozeatorium and it is absolutely lousy with hockey MILFs in here today (Moms I'd Like to Forecheck).

Doth thou not think that thou needst somebody? Doth thou not think that thou needst someone? Everybody needeth somebody: Thou art not the only one. - Wm. Shakespeare

I would have loved to see Bob Dylan cover "November Rain".

I need two weeks to myself in isolation and an ounce of weed.

I'm built like this if you even care

"Here's what I think the earth really is. It's a giant man playing with us like toys. And his brothers and sisters have remote control cars." -7, future cult leader

This month's socks from The Good Store's Awesome Socks Club subscription may just be my favorite yet!

Costco Cognac is my street name

Gretzky: The Great One Me: The Great Value One

Cool, so I won't even be able to get my bullshit delta-8 or 5 mg THC sodas anymore. Fucking love that for me.

I'll go down in history, if you know what I mean

Looking forward to a full evening of tears and frustration over results and numbers, punctuated by cries of "I can't handle this" and "I don't understand how any of this works". Elections? What? No. The seven-year-old is doing math homework.

Am I having some kind of stroke, or am I actually seeing posts from folks I don't follow in my Bluesky "Following" tab? Because that shit will NOT fly.

I am the world's worst father when the Bills are on TV. But I make up for it when they win. Extra candy rations for everyone! Go Bills.

Oops! All Nut November

The kids are playing their favorite Nintendo Switch game. I wish I'd known they'd enjoy the built-in software more than the myriad games they don't seem to enjoy quite as much.

I keep hearing a lot about this "Donut November" and I am HERE for it! Whether yeast, cake, or holes covered in sweet, creamy glaze, I'm committing to as much as I can handle this month. 🍩🫡

Only one (1) copy of "The C Programming Language" per child

oh my god

You're telling me this shirt is made of sweat?!

Post a picture of the energy you bring to Bluesky

Free child, barely used. Inquire within.

I still can't believe Skattebo is the last name of a human being. It is a name you'd give to a cat.

Getting in trouble because I keep singing "choke me poke me" instead of "hokey pokey"

Every time I watch the Horns now, it seems to end up with me doing my awful Edith Bunker impression. "Oh, Archie." *shakes head despondently*

May I just remind you all that there is a 100% correlation between the Blue Jays making the World Series and the Buffalo Bills going to the Superbowl in the same year.

Roses are red, AI is inaccurate,

I think it's high time that we non-Nazis banded together to take the nipple back! I'm urging everyone to fight authoritarianism by posting pictures of your beautiful, freedom-loving nipples on Bluesky with the hashtag #NoNaziNips.