Acab includes…. Robot dogs. Lmfaoooo what the hell

Okay but why is GOOGLE maps the default navigation in APPLE car play?

I told my son’s dad “you may be able to talk to those two like this but I have a father a job and a house” ….. Aries season

“Great, can’t wait to make up some shit to tell my family why you’re in jail instead of the party” “Just tell them whatever you used to say about Rory” Ok touché but also fuck off

If you are the type of “christian” to claim Catholicism is a “false religion” and go around asking random people if they “have been saved”, congrats! You’re fucking weird.

You little unmitigated piece of shit Jay has gotten people out of ICE custody in LA, got fired from UCLA for speaking out about Charlie Kirk, received death threats about it because right wing assholes posted it to Twitter and you have the unmitigated gall to call him a clown?

My neighbor has cranked his leaf blower to 12 for no reason for the last time

Joe Exotic shouldn't be funny but he is. ITS ALL CORRUPT GIRL 🤣

What if I ran for Ohio governor as like an independent but I’d talk a lot about libertarianism and small government and states rights and don’t step on my snake and shit

I have serious concerns about the way my employer is leaning in on travel right now and I’m really hoping someone with a brain steps in

🧊 is at Cleveland Hopkins fyi

23 ☠️ years later my son’s new favorite album is get rich or die trying. Proud millennial mom

Seeing your little kid in a room full of people light up when they see you and sprint full speed towards you >>>>>

This would really piss MAGA off if they could read it

Well mom since you’ve been gone we’re doing another dumb war in the Middle East, we have another dumb president, and I’m back in low rise denim

The Hounds and I were in a major crash yesterday. ✨Miraculously✨ only bruised and sore—zero broken bones. Tammy the Audi 🖤 is totaled; her final gift, keeping us safe in what could’ve been a fatal crash. Now carless, jobless—I could use your help now more than ever: www.gofundme.com/f/support-jo...

Can it? I’m tired

It is time ♈️

A random older man in the waiting room where the J’s and I were waiting for their mom/grandma to be done: “your son is very Irish isn’t he” 😭💚 yes sir. Both sides!

My supervisors are not behaving at this conference and it’s a little embarrassing but whatever I have 1 child

Two of my childhood BFF girlies are doctors and iirc they both did Doctors Without Borders and it’s just so impressive cause like bitch remember when we were in the GhostHunters Club

☘️

This is the most Ohio ass response lmao I hate myself

Meanwhile they were outbid in spite of coming in *high* over asking. Point proven

POV I’m your boss

I don't want to hear what anyone thinks about tattoos making people look like criminals when most of the people in the epstein files look like a ken doll you put in the microwave on high for five minutes.

Millennial brother: just offered on a house in a high demand metro area Boomer dad: how much less than asking did you offer

I am laughing so hard at the clusterfuck that is my organization scheduling a “strongly suggested in-person” conference in (checks calendar) mid March when half of our population has to fly from the north.

In retrospect, there were signs that this janky off brand treadmill was not going to last long

I was a $200-500/month target shopper until they bent over on DEI I know I’m just one person but I haven’t been in that store or done an order since January 2025

You’re not very, um, experienced at not taking bribes. Loser

“Mama, can I watch this? It isn’t AI or brain rot” - a sentence my almost five year old just said

My kid is just whispering creepily in his room and it’s getting a little too paranormal activity in here

Kid’s dad: so … why did we even get in the Iraq war with George W? Me (cracks knuckles): I’m so glad you asked!

In case you want kids & are worried about fertility here are the ages of everyone I know who is pregnant rn: -42 -40 * -39 -40 * -36 * only these two needed IVF due to endo/PCOS

It’s happened I walked into the room whilst 4 yr old son was listening to the cha cha slide He was *shook* when I knew all the moves and what the next part was 😭🤣

This war is so horrifying but giving it the most cringe millennial name possible is just salt in the wound

My kid’s dad: idk I feel like Kurt cobain might have been kind of a jerk. Didn’t he not let his drummer write any s- Me, a PhD in Nirvana: actually Joe Dave did write several songs and even sang lead on the B side for the Heart Shaped Box single called Marigold

My son’s dad: why do I have all this gray hair in my beard now Me: maybe everytime you get someone pregnant a hair follicle dies Him: if only everytime I got someone pregnant a baby mama died 🤣😭 damn man

“Abolish ICE” was the top vote-getter in the city’s “You Name a Snowplow” contest.” Chicago. 🫡

My counterpart at work is highly organized & can run a meeting great. But for whatever reason she can’t end it. So she always tosses it to me 🤣

🤣🤣💚

“Patsy. You’re a good citizen” - my four year old to the dog

J’s dad got snowed out of work so he’s hanging out here with me and so far all I can hear from the other room is that the TRON movie involves whomever TRON is constantly yelling in a robotic jigsaw voice

I was just looking at my stretch marks in the mirror and said “look at my STRIPES” to my 4 yr old He said “oooh, I like them. You’re beautiful mama.” 😭 one thing having a kid will do is reconsider how you talk to and about yourself. Because they’re part you.

I am not too old! I’m asking. www.mdanderson.org/cancerwise/h...

Millennials with this equipment : schedule your Paps. I did. 🙄