Note to anyone in the service industry: please don’t ever call me “Bossman.” It’s…gross.

He beat the wrap.

Hiked Mt. Pinnacle, just west of Little Rock with a friend this morning. Matt and Pete (four legs)

I saw “Bugonia” today. I won’t say anything about it here. But I saw it.

I wrote a sonnet about scaring my kid about Zohran Mamdani:

Can’t feel great when one of the worst people dies and all anyone can say was that they wish it was you instead.

VP Cheney will be honoured with a 21 gun salute accidentally aimed directly at 21 of his friends

America 2025

Whenever you watch a movie that’s a sequel, do you feel compelled to watch the original movie first or am I just a weirdo? Or does it depend on the sequel?

Just for you, dear.

My son Milo is sixteen. He decided TODAY to make his own costume. He is a character from “Adventure Time”?

“Guess how many candies to get a prize!” The first kid to shout “Six-Seven!” gets a full sized bar. I’m determined to make this trend completely corny and thereby kill it. For all of you parents.

It's not a costume, just my everyday wear

I didn't do this one, but I can't stop laughing. Look at it! 😅🤣😂🤣

Request: if you dress for Halloween today, shoot me a flippy for my collection. Thanks in advance!

Request: if you dress for Halloween today, shoot me a flippy for my collection. Thanks in advance!

I went to my mom’s assisted living this morning and my cousin and his wife were there. He was Richard Simmons and she was Barbie and they led an exercise and stretch class.

First thing, Tulane’s a very competitive school so congrats to the monkeys for getting in there in the first place.

I know it’s too much to expect them to know their history, but if the American Revolution had a motto, it definitely would not have been “immigrants go home.” It would have been “get your fucking soldiers out of our cities.”

The trick 'r treaters are getting something special this year.

The next president should just use the ballroom to hold all the trials.

Today I learned: “This is Spinal Tap” is the only movie on IMDB that’s rated on a scale from one to eleven.

Wait. The destruction of the East Wing of the White House included the movie theater?! Fuuuuuck that.

Went to check my mail and found that I had received a check for $130 million made out to "War peopel." Should I just deposit it?

Stop what you’re doing and give this a listen.

I remember Fox News spending days on the scandal that was Michelle Obama’s modest little veggie garden. It was discussed and berated non-stop with the general theme being ‘how dare she desecrate those hallowed grounds.

Coming soon.

This is just to say I have bulldozed the East Wing that you were probably hoping to pass down to future generations Well, fuck you it was in the way so inconvenient and so old

Why does America need a giant ballroom? Are there that many galas?

Unfortunately this one can't be made into prints for blatant violence (my work usually skirts it; not today), but I can likely get them made elsewhere if there's demand. Did you know lionesses will sometimes take out their males when the pride is under intense pressure? That's pretty cool. #art

Don’t stop there. Tear down the entire White House. It’s a toxic site now. Smash it to the ground, dismantle the government, pack up all the weapons, call it a day.

Billionaires in America take from the working class the equivalent of 75 Louvre heists every single day. Or probably something like that.

My 14-year-old self would never have guessed that, in 50 years' time, all the world's music would be available at the click of a button, you'd navigate the globe by carrying a tiny computer around in your pocket, and the US President would post a video of himself shitting over American citizens.

#NoKings Manhattan ARROOOOOOOO

We have friends everywhere.

In Philadelphia, #nokings goes back a long way.

She gets all the flowers. I mean ALL of them. If we see her, we immediately have to give her flowers.

Women don’t like the vehicle.

okay okay OKAY here are all 50 Ways to Leave Your Lover 1. Slip out the back, Jack 2. Make a new plan, Stan 3. Hop on the bus, Gus 4. Drop off the key, Lee 5. Shit in the bed, Fred

Some bigoted piece of shit Amazon delivery driver stole my trans rights sign—one I designed myself!—right out of my yard. I have footage of it and everything. However: I joke’s on you, chucklefuck, because not only did I get cash compensation from Amazon, I used that to order two more. 🏳️‍⚧️ 🏳️‍⚧️

"The past is ugly," said Reverend Abraham Mosley, the first Black chairman of Stone Mountain Park's governing board, referring to the links between the Confederacy, slavery and the South's legacy of racism, which the museum currently obscures. www.reuters.com/world/us/bat...

This truly depends on the definition of “okay” as well as “polite company.” Since it’s a peanut butter cup, allowing you to neatly lift it and it helps it maintain its shape, wouldn’t it be more apt as a bra?

I need a ruling: Is it okay to call the paper ring under peanut butter cups their “panties?” My reasoning is that they’re ruffled and cover the bottom. My wife says I am too twisted to be in polite company. Who is right? (It’s me.)

John Candy>John Belushi Better performer. More generous. Kinder. Funnier. A better man.

Ensconce Goldie Hawn in bubble wrap.

On the bright side, we’re spared from ever hearing Diane Keaton eulogize Woody.

Get you a friend like @jenleepa.bsky.social who will find an antique dagger at a New Orleans estate sale for you to use as a letter opener/murder weapon.

If "never leave your drink unattended" were a person.

NN: Dems say you won't swear in Grijalva bc you don't want her vote on Epstein JOHNSON: No. It's scheduling NN: But there have been Rs sworn in during pro forma sessions MJ: Only reason was bc they flew in their family NN: So if she flies in her family you'd do it? MJ: Again, it's a distraction